This post will be admittedly a little choppy and cliche. I’m currently feeling like a mix of a wise adult, angry teen boy and a hurt & confused little girl. These feelings are actually not very current as they have been a norm since I came out to myself several months back. The joy is I feel confident in adding “he/him” to my “they/them” and it didn’t surprise me it took 42 years, based on my experiences & what I gathered from life.
My background is my dad & I were the “mentally ill” folks in my immediate family, with the exact same diagnoses of Major Depression, General Anxiety and Panic Attacks. We also look almost exactly alike, like to joke around & show off a little as well as tend to be sensitive & observant types. A main difference is my dad is very into being in charge in some ways, was a manager as a career and also seems to get a lot of esteem from providing — example: we have a family plan for phones and my brother in laws are even on it under him, etc.
If you couldn’t already gather — I also looked up to my dad. A lot. Many of my stories as a kid were around the funny things he would do and just his dry “dad jokes” still get me.
However. As I got older, and still identified as a woman, I saw hidden misogyny, a “pay attention to me!” also seemingly hidden agenda, especially when it came to women (I also suspect cheating either before their marriage and/or emotional cheating) and very passive aggressive comments. Talking with him, even in texts, I can feel darkness and I was so good at turning darkness into light due to my own “stuff” that I think I ignored & excused the hell out of it. I also dated men and identified straight —- the cliche comes in with primarily going for egotistical and/or passive aggressive men. I now identify as non-binary, pansexual with a preference for women I think but still removing a ton of walls that formed / religion & shame run rampant.
Most recently — I decided to get help for my alcohol use after pushing away everyone I know essentially, at various times, due to be a “sharp tongued drunk”. I repressed everything and also wasn’t yet myself so I forgive myself for it.
And. The only two people in my life, aside from my amazing coworkers and peers in my IOP, are my mom & dad. My mom has been incredible, knows exactly what to say and listens deeply. I’ve also been open with her, apologized with intention for my behavior when I wasn’t well and she’s also on her own healing journey, unrelated to my dad (at least on the surface).
I 100% realize there’s assumptions in the above and my intuition has been screaming at me so much that I also feel I’m not too far off from my feelings & observations.
I’m already at the “distancing” stage and I’m only in week 1 of 8 with my IOP, already feeling & seeing an impact so I look forward to how I’ll be after it and it feels good to know that I haven’t once doubted my ability to heal. Don’t know exactly where that comes from but I’ll take it.
My background is my dad & I were the “mentally ill” folks in my immediate family, with the exact same diagnoses of Major Depression, General Anxiety and Panic Attacks. We also look almost exactly alike, like to joke around & show off a little as well as tend to be sensitive & observant types. A main difference is my dad is very into being in charge in some ways, was a manager as a career and also seems to get a lot of esteem from providing — example: we have a family plan for phones and my brother in laws are even on it under him, etc.
If you couldn’t already gather — I also looked up to my dad. A lot. Many of my stories as a kid were around the funny things he would do and just his dry “dad jokes” still get me.
However. As I got older, and still identified as a woman, I saw hidden misogyny, a “pay attention to me!” also seemingly hidden agenda, especially when it came to women (I also suspect cheating either before their marriage and/or emotional cheating) and very passive aggressive comments. Talking with him, even in texts, I can feel darkness and I was so good at turning darkness into light due to my own “stuff” that I think I ignored & excused the hell out of it. I also dated men and identified straight —- the cliche comes in with primarily going for egotistical and/or passive aggressive men. I now identify as non-binary, pansexual with a preference for women I think but still removing a ton of walls that formed / religion & shame run rampant.
Most recently — I decided to get help for my alcohol use after pushing away everyone I know essentially, at various times, due to be a “sharp tongued drunk”. I repressed everything and also wasn’t yet myself so I forgive myself for it.
And. The only two people in my life, aside from my amazing coworkers and peers in my IOP, are my mom & dad. My mom has been incredible, knows exactly what to say and listens deeply. I’ve also been open with her, apologized with intention for my behavior when I wasn’t well and she’s also on her own healing journey, unrelated to my dad (at least on the surface).
I 100% realize there’s assumptions in the above and my intuition has been screaming at me so much that I also feel I’m not too far off from my feelings & observations.
I’m already at the “distancing” stage and I’m only in week 1 of 8 with my IOP, already feeling & seeing an impact so I look forward to how I’ll be after it and it feels good to know that I haven’t once doubted my ability to heal. Don’t know exactly where that comes from but I’ll take it.
