Sufferer Healing From Ptsd While Married

[SunShining]

Hi All -

Glad to find this site. Been lurking for a while and just joined today.

I wanted to introduce myself, but not by sharing my trauma story as I thought I might. Right now, I'm too sensitive to see all my instances of trauma laid out in front of me. I'm acutely aware of them, but the more I think/talk about them and bring them into the light, the more I freak out and can't function lately.

I have a new therapist that I am taking it slow with and trying to build a nice foundation with to start, so I feel hopeful about not feeling worse every time I leave her office, but in general, I don't know what is going to work for me in terms of healing -- especially because I'm married.

My PTSD really flares up when I'm in a relationship because something always winds up triggering me, whether it's related to sex or trust, and then I totally lose myself in my pain and don't know what to do.

I thought it was going to be different with my husband because I was in such an amazing place in my life and had done a lot of important healing, but it wasn't long before my "stuff" started coming up again and now I'm a mess again with nightmares where I wake up crying, not wanting to see him naked, making him sleep in the other room, going into freeze mode re: sexuality, self-hatred, withdrawing from my friends and activities, can barely work...and basically I just feel unsafe again.

Ativan is helping me sleep at night sometimes, and I went back on an anti-depressant to prevent myself from being a totally exposed nerve and puddle of panicky tears everyday. I'm more functional, but not in a sustainable way. Plus I feel so dull.

So, how in the heck am I supposed to heal when I keep being retriggered by my husband? He's being respectful and wearing boxers around the house and we're not having sex right now, but even that is triggering me because I feel incredibly guilty about disappointing him. He says not to worry about that, but I still do because it's part of my old childhood trauma. I'm trying to be open with him about where I'm at with things, but then I also get caught in my traumatized thinking that says I shouldn't be doing that because he's a man and he really only cares about himself and his needs. So I wind up just feeling stupid, scared, and alone even when he's there and wants to put my fears at ease.

Words from the wise from people with PTSD related to sexual trauma who have recovered (or whatever the term is) while maintaining their marriage? How is it possible!?

Thank you.

 

[Nam]

It's possible. Very possible. I have many things in common with you. I understand where you are and it's a painful stage. Everything just feels like it's raw and open. What I did differently is that I made sure it didn't come into the bedroom. I made sure to do it. I kept my eyes open so I could see MY body. I kept telling myself that I was an adult. My hubs told me over and over "You are safe." This worked. Was it easy? Oh hell no. It was a shaking disaster. But over time, the pain should ease. But this doesn't have to be you. I knew that I couldn't loose him. No way. And I know that sex could be a deal breaker for us. So I tried with all my might to fulfill that. Your situation might be completely different.

My hubs became my safe place. Most of my memories that pop up happen when I'm with him because my mind feels it's safe now to put it out there. I'm supported. I just told him today that I still don't know why he stayed. It makes me feel like I owe him something big. He doesn't see it that way. He just thinks that I can't have anyone be nice to me even if I deserve it.

It took months. It was worth it. We are closer than ever. Almost eighteen years we have known each other now. About 10 years since I had my first memories.

PTSD is something you can't suffer alone. Try to take care of the support around you. Try really hard not to push. Help them understand by writing to them (you did a beautiful job above). Big :hug: . Hang in there.

 

[Sandstone]

I feel incredibly guilty about disappointing him.

Men need love too, not just sex. I know that if I did as Nam describes I'd destroy myself and my marriage. But I can still hold his hand (most of the time), care for him, listen to him, try to explain, try to stay open. I can tell him how brilliant he is at caring. I can tell him bits about working to recover for us.

 

[GWhizz]

Hi @SunShining welcome to the forum.

Firstly, well done for signing up and bravely posting this.

I also have a similar experience with you (not married but in a longterm committed relationship with a young child together). My partner's actions (to differentiate from him on a personal level) have been the source of a lot of triggers for me too. Whatever it was a question of trust, safety or something intimately related. But thankfully, and as your hubby seems supportive in this regard too, he never pressures me about sexual stuff. Something similar to what @Nam said about keeping the eyes open - I HAVE to do this, otherwise I definitely lose control and dissociate. My partner used to tell me I needed to let go to enjoy it and close my eyes to 'get in the moment', however, that would only cause the other stuff to come up or throw me right back into it.

I know it is possible though for a long time I refused to believe it or to allow myself to have a healthy relationship, not ruled by ptsd.

I don't have much time right now to write a long reply but I'm here for any further questions or discussion on it.

:hug:

 

[intothelight]

@SunShining Welcome and I hope you find this site and the support beneficial.

 

[SunShining]

Thank you -- I really appreciate the welcome and your feedback.

I've been thinking about things a lot and I've realized that this whole situation I'm in, with all this pain and suffering, is really an invitation for me to become more intimate and familiar with myself. Listening to myself. Honoring myself. Loving myself.

For so long I have not done those things -- especially in situations that are related to my trauma, i.e., relationships with men. But there have also been a few instances where betrayal came from other types of relationships because as long as my wounds are there, they're going to be triggered sometimes.

I am doing some inner child work that has really been feeling good to me. It's helping me reconnect to myself in a way that I need right now. It's helping me get in touch with that part of me that needs caring and also knows how to care. Those two parts are meeting again, so there's more wholeness. I'm grateful for that. I also like that it lifts my spirits and makes me feel child-like and happy and positive. That I can appreciate my cat more, and the bright blue skies outside.

I am sleeping through the night better, and it's been a handful of days since I had a nightmare. I see this as progress. I hope that the inner child work I do before bed is also helping my little girl inside to feel safer and more secure. That's the intention anyway. I do it when I wake up, also, so she feels tended to in the morning. Maybe I'll look up some other threads about inner child work here so I can learn more.

Right now, I'm not as concerned about healing from PTSD within the context of my marriage. I'm just going to focus more on listening to myself and honoring myself and loving myself...and if that happens to happen while my husband is in the same room as me, then so be it!

Thanks again - glad to be here with you in pursuit of our collective well-being.

 

[garden]

@SunShining Welcome.

There's a book by Staci Haines called The Survivors Guide to Sex: How to Have an Empowered Sex Life After Childhood Sexual Abuse. It is good for anyone whose sexuality has been impacted by trauma, so it's not just for those whose trauma was in childhood (despite the title). This book helped me to understand why my body would freeze up, and why I was unable to be intimate with my trusted partner. It was a process, but I was able to heal and eventually have a healthy sex life. I was able to go from avoidance to experiencing a deep intimacy during sex. It's no magic bullet, but it's a tool that you can add to everything else that you're already doing for yourself.