Heartbreak Hotel

[JimmyJames902]

Greetings to All:

I'm a total newbie to this forum, but I've had PTSD for about 14 years. There have been periods of a few months when it has gone into a kind of "remission" but, sadly, that is not the case lately. I've been in pretty serious isolation for the past few months, and I've been feel incredibly lonely and frightened.

The origin of my illness goes back to childhood. My family of origin was not healthy: both my mother and father were high-functioning alcoholics who fought like cats and dogs all the time. I see myself as a survivor, but my younger sister did not; she took her own life at the age of 31.

I was fairly successful in my life until a second traumatic event in my mid 30s triggered the PTSD full-bore. I see my life's time-line in two broad catagories: BEFORE PTSD & AFTER PTSD. I have more or less come to terms with the fact that I have this illness (or rather, it has me), and recognize that I will probably have it for the rest of my life.

My goal is to learn how to better manage the disorder so it doesn't totally run the show, and share my experiences and insights into this debilitating disorder. I am grateful for the existence of this forum, as there are no support groups in my area.

James

 

[anthony]

Hey James, welcome to the forum and glad to have you here.

 

[Pixie]

Hi James and as Anthony said, welcome!

I am so sorry for the loss of your sister and I can't imagine how that must feel but I am glad that you are here and have come to the very place where you can get support, understanding and the ability to share and have input also.

Rell

 

[JimmyJames902]

Thank you for the welcome, Anthony & Rell.

I really appreciate the screening process for newbies, because this is deeply personal stuff to be discussing. It provides a degree of safety to speak my mind here. I have lost a couple of friends over the years when they hear that I have PTSD, so I have learned to be very careful about whom I share this information with.

Also, practically no one among my friends truly understands what PTSD really is. On one level, I understand this because there are times when I don't understand it myself. Sometimes I feel embarrassed/ashamed about having this illness, as though it was my fault that I got this condition. While my rational mind tells me that others are sometimes going to be uncomfortable or frightened by the term, "PTSD," it still hurts alot and re-inforces my concerns about telling others about the PTSD.

I haven't been outside in almost two weeks, so I'm going to try again today... If at first you don't succeed,...

James

 

[CCurry]

Hi James,

Welcome to the forum. I don't have ptsd, it's my bf who has it and I'm here to learn as much as I can so that I can better understand what he is going through. One thing that really gets me is when the people in your life who you thought would be a big support to you have quietly slipped away. That has happened to us as well and I'm so bothered by this but I suppose you get to know who your true friends are in a crisis....the ones that are walking through the door while the rest are walking right out the door.

I am sure you will find here that everyone understands what you're going through.....I hope that you can make it outside today!

C.

 

[onebravegirl]

Hi and welcome
It sounds like you have come to the right place and with the right attitude.
I am looking forward to learning moe about you.
You need not ever feel alone here!
O

 

[JimmyJames902]

Hi C & O:

I did make it outside today !! I went to the post office, paid some bills, and went grocery-shopping. Like the old Chinese proverb says, "the longest journey begins with a single step."

onebravegirl: Are there any PTSD support groups in the GTA ??

 

[onebravegirl]

I really do not know. There are may be day teatment programs offered through CAMH, but I am not sure how you could go about getting refered to one.
One advantage on this forum is that 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week you can be in contact as needed with support.
We are not Pro councilors here but there is a great deal of peer couciling and literature.
I am happy that you got out today. For me it always made the world seem bigger and my problems a little smaller if I managed to go out for a bit. Kinda made me take my mind off of me for a while. Sounds like you have had a very productive day!
O

 

[JimmyJames902]

For me it always made the world seem bigger and my problems a little smaller if I managed to go out for a bit. Kinda made me take my mind off of me for a while.

Absolutely !! Well said !!

 

[Johnnyboy]

I like to go bicycling in the countryside and hiking. The mountains are the best with all their corners.

 

[Clydiechick]

Welcome to the forum. Congrats on getting outside, that's a huge effort. How did you go at the supermarket? I always find that an extremely intense time. I can assure you that you will get lots of good advise here. Everyone here is genuine and non judgemental. You are among friends.

Take care
Clydie

 

[JimmyJames902]

Thanks for the encouragement, Clydie. I did OK at the grocery store, but I did notice I started sweating profusely (stress reaction) when I was standing in the checkout line. Since I live in a small town (about 3,000) where everyone knows everyone else, one of my biggest concerns is not to have a feak-out in public. Anything even remotely resembling "mental illness" is highly stygmatized.

Over the years, I have lost a few friends when I told them of my condition, which hurts like heck. I am deeply concerned that I will continue to lose friends, gradually shrinking my social circle over time. I sometimes feel like the village hermit. The human need to feel a sense of belonging and "connectedness" is very powerful, and over the past two years I have been feeling inceasingly seperated from my fellow man (and women). Most of this is probably just in my head, I tell myself; but then I'll pass someone on the street and say "hi" to an aquaintance and they will ignore me as if I wasn't there. Like I said, it hurts like heck. Part of me wants to lash-out and tell them how mean-spirited their attitude towards me is. So far I have kept that impulse in-check.