I am in hell. I have been hospitalized at 38 weeks pregnant due to complications. Yesterday they performed surgery on my kidney with no anaesthesia. I was left completely naked on the operating table while more than a dozen people gathered to watch the operation. I asked why there were so many people watching and was told it's because it's such a rare case. They then began with no anaesthesia. It was excruciating. I thought i was going into labor. I screamed and had to be held down. Cried the whole time. Now stuck in hospital room with five other women who never shut up. Haven't slept, can't sleep with so much chaos around me. Women screaming, nurses screaming, no doors on the rooms, a tv blaring. I have a tube jutting out of me and can barely move. Another month of this. I can't do it. I do not want this baby anymore. I feel nothing for it now. I just lay here and cry, staring at the wall. Lost my new job because i'm in here. Not getting maternity pay now either, so no money for after birth, because everything i had saved now went to kidney surgery. I do not want this baby. I am a terrible person but i do not want this baby and have no warmth or love.
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Hell
- Post starter Casey_03
- Start date
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Friday
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That's what extreme pain & the need to survive does before your baby is born.
I was tortured while I was pregnant. I hated it. It made me weaker. A parasite sucking my energy from me. It needed to be gone.
Nearly every woman I met, at any stage of pregnancy, on the run from oncoming forces, in a different time & place? With children in arms they'd die for without thinking twice loathed their unborn child. Hated it. Wanted it out of them. Most miscarried. Extreme stress whilst pregnant does that. It severs connections. Physical, emotional, mental.
When I was released I was about 6 months pregnant. Within hours of massive doses of pain meds and the worst of my injuries dealt with, and IVs sticking out of me like pincushions? Fluids, sugars, salts, nutrients of all types being flooded into my system. The hate stopped. The desperation started. Save my baby. It was too late by then. I'd already been miscarrying for about a month they said. And every bone, every flexible little bone, had been broken. I sometimes wish I'd lost the baby before that. While I still hated them. While I was still trying to survive. I'm sometimes glad I loved them for a moment. If only for a moment.
It's a difficult thing. And nothing is wrong.
I was tortured while I was pregnant. I hated it. It made me weaker. A parasite sucking my energy from me. It needed to be gone.
Nearly every woman I met, at any stage of pregnancy, on the run from oncoming forces, in a different time & place? With children in arms they'd die for without thinking twice loathed their unborn child. Hated it. Wanted it out of them. Most miscarried. Extreme stress whilst pregnant does that. It severs connections. Physical, emotional, mental.
When I was released I was about 6 months pregnant. Within hours of massive doses of pain meds and the worst of my injuries dealt with, and IVs sticking out of me like pincushions? Fluids, sugars, salts, nutrients of all types being flooded into my system. The hate stopped. The desperation started. Save my baby. It was too late by then. I'd already been miscarrying for about a month they said. And every bone, every flexible little bone, had been broken. I sometimes wish I'd lost the baby before that. While I still hated them. While I was still trying to survive. I'm sometimes glad I loved them for a moment. If only for a moment.
It's a difficult thing. And nothing is wrong.
When I first read this post, I had to step away from the computer, because it was so angry for what has happened to you. You are not a terrible person. What is horrible is your circumstances. You are in the midst of experiencing another trauma. I wish there was a way to help you out.
I believe that even though this was terrifying and scary and painful, that you and the baby will actually be okay.
I am praying for you right now, even though I have no traditional faith.
Many of us have been following your situation by reading your posts. It seems like there is a message here about trying to be strong and putting yourself through too much to prove that to yourself. (PS. I don't mean this in any kind of judgmental way. More a "wondering if" and throwing it out there to think about in life, kind of reflection.)
Please survive and bring your baby to your home country, be safe.
It would be nice if those of us who want to help you can pool some funds and do so through the Mods to buy you a ticket or whatever you will need. :hug:
I am praying for you right now, even though I have no traditional faith.
Many of us have been following your situation by reading your posts. It seems like there is a message here about trying to be strong and putting yourself through too much to prove that to yourself. (PS. I don't mean this in any kind of judgmental way. More a "wondering if" and throwing it out there to think about in life, kind of reflection.)
Please survive and bring your baby to your home country, be safe.
It would be nice if those of us who want to help you can pool some funds and do so through the Mods to buy you a ticket or whatever you will need. :hug:
Last edited:
- Post starter
- #6
There's nowhere to live if i came back, though i appreciate your desire to help. I most likely will give up the baby because i certainly won't be able to take care of him. I'm not trying to be strong by being here, i'm here out of necessity. I would have come back if i had a savings to pay for rent or a job back home. But at the same time, home isn't really home after ten years away.
- Post starter
- #7
I want to jump out the window of this hospital. Day three of panic attacks and sleep deprivation. I can't even move from my side cause the tube sticking out of my kidney is screwed up and bleeding. I don't care about the physical pain but for f*ck's sake at least let me sleep.
.
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- Post starter
- #8
scout86
VIP Member
"Fault" isn't even a part of the equation. One problem at a time. Deal with the kidney issues (and sleep issues) now. The rest can wait and be sorted out when it actually shows up.
Seconded.
Casey, leave past in the past, it doesn't even matter if anything 'is your fault'. Focus on keeping you alive, getting through it.
Focus on finding relief, wherever you can get it. However small portion of it, is good.
Is there anywhere you could get pain medication? Can the not shutting up ladies chat up somewhere f*cking useful around the hospital and grab you a few pills?
Casey, leave past in the past, it doesn't even matter if anything 'is your fault'. Focus on keeping you alive, getting through it.
Focus on finding relief, wherever you can get it. However small portion of it, is good.
Is there anywhere you could get pain medication? Can the not shutting up ladies chat up somewhere f*cking useful around the hospital and grab you a few pills?
- Post starter
- #11
- Status
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