Undiagnosed Hello All

[Lagatha]

Hi,
I am new to this forum. I don't know if I have PTSD, not looking for a diagnosis or to diagnose myself but this is what popped up on my search for "trauma after suicide". It's a heavy topic to start but don't know where to turn.
Been diagnosed with dysthymia, major depression and general anxiety disorder ten years ago, that is when I attempted suicide. Still get flashbacks and feel emotionally numb presently, and that's how I felt before the attempt and this scares me. I don't know what would help.. :(

 

[Deleted member 37085]

Hi,
I am new to this forum. I don't know if I have PTSD, not looking for a diagnosis or to diagnose m...

Lagatha, Hi welcome to this forum; you are flashing and being triggered, so you have experienced some high octane psychological event? Curious why you believe you may have ptsd? I was diagnosed with ptsd and major dep. disorder; after being misdiagnosed since 1992 with bipolar (which I never, EVER had; it was/is prolonged complex ptsd. You are right; no one here is able to diagnose you; by what you have shared you have many of the hallmarks of ptsd. Grateful that you posted your inquiry into ptsd. Feeling emotinally numb is my daily experience (it's like trying to fight myself out of an inflated parachute as it has hit the ground and I am all tangled up in it. Do you relate? I was sexually molested (me and sis) by step-father at very young age; then dad tortured me mentally, physically, etc. Step-monster (mutha) physically and violently tortured me and my sis. Instead of just going on live feed and listening to those there, I highly recommend that you do what you already did and also go into threads where other members are discussing their symptoms, how they are trying to cope, and respond to their posts, as I have to yours, here, Lagatha. Then you will get a more clearer discerning about your symptomology of ptsd; and I highly recommend you find a highly respected and regarded psychologist and allow expert to diagnose. I am in E.M.D.R. (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy. Next session is tomorrow, and I am NOT looking forward to next session; draining, and crying, and remembering in order to desensitize the extreme violent trauma from my past. Must in E.M.D.R. go back in order to allow this modality to allow my brain to calm down from horrific memories and be able to not flash and trigger as much, some that undergo this technique stop flashing; we shall see. Sorry about trauma that you have endured, as me and my sis have survived the un-survivable and are still here. Much cutting, many attempts to check out; still deal with suicidal ideation, however, I tell my brain to SHUT UP! constantly when thoughts of suicide come out of nowhere; for I truly do not want to check out; brain is so adversely effected through long-time experienced sexual, physical, emotional, mental, and psychological trauma (tore out my soul/core) and now I must do the work to try to build an inner soul and self-esteem. I am a Christian, and I am not ashamed to say this. I hope this helps you. Message me anytime.

 

[Lionheart]

@Lagatha ,

Are you presently seeing a counselor/therapist? I highly recommend it. A psych doctor can diagnose you and a therapist help you to work through the symptoms etc., whether it be PTSD or not.

I think that would be a good place for you to start, but please do ask questions and post your thoughts here, so that maybe we may be of some help.

I am not qualified to diagnose, so that question is mute, but any others you have will be welcomed.

Are you thinking about suicide now or have you been? If so, I recommend you get professional help right away and do not be ashamed to accept help from others. there is no shame in reaching out for help.

 

[Glo809]

Greetings

I was going to say that there are members here with a wealth of knowledge on how we feel and why.

I am the new guy, and Welcome, listen to the comments, I have not detected any bs here at all.

Take care
G

 

[Sideways]

Feelings. The ones that drive our suicidal ideation are never ever welcome. They are awful. Life is black and meaningless. Hope is a word for other people. A lot of us here know that place really well.

Your feelings are what drove you here. Even though the feelings you're living with right now are awful, they are also helpful. You recognise these feelings, you remember where they took you 10 years ago. You've just powered your way through a whole lot of therapy work all on your own: you were feeling something, you recognised it, learned from it, and used those awful feelings in a really constructive way, to change the outcome to something better this time.

That's exactly why we have feelings. They're awful right now, but they've done their job. Even when they're awful, they're telling us something. As awful as your feelings are, they've just motivated you to do one of the best things you could possibly to do for yourself right now. You've responded differently to the way you did 10 years ago, you've reached out.

And there's a whole lot of us listening. You've been heard by people who know what you're feeling, who know what that's like. And that it will pass. It will. It's been 10 years without this, so it will pass, and it's so worth it.

So keep doing what you're doing. Engage here on the forum, reach out to your supports, call a crisis line if you're isolated, go to the Emergency if you need help getting through the night. Whatever it takes. Your feelings do not dictate what you do from here. All they do is give you information: you're in a place you don't want to be in again, and it's a place that, with time and support, will pass.

Trauma in the background? That's an issue, but it's not an issue for today. Deal with right now, getting support, making this time different than it was 10 years ago.

Sitting with you till it passes, however long it takes.

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome! :)

 

[Deleted member 37085]

Welcome! :)

Welcome!

 

[Lagatha]

Thank you all for your support and wealth of information! I have had some therapy throughout the years, CBT, meditation, mindfulness, but apparently not enough. As soon as I think the nightmare is over- it starts again-reminding me I have more work to do..it's ongoing I suppose. I have been prescribed anti-depressant medication, and I sit with mixed feelings on those as well (I have not taken any medication thus far- just sort of plowed through it). I am not familiar with EMDR therapy, will look into it. It is tough to find a GOOD psychologist, but I am determined to do so now. And in terms of trauma, I really feel for those of you having been through any sort of trauma, my heart is truly with you.

With me, it's sort of vague, I cannot point my finger on a specific psychological event, however, I remember being blamed a lot by my parents in childhood, emotional neglect/abuse, being thrown into the middle of arguments, being isolated from people, friends, even some extended family, as 'no one can be trusted', doom and gloom messages about the world pretty consistently, being shamed into believing all these things, beaten down with insults pretty consistently. I have had to sacrifice my own needs and feelings..be passive in a way, swallow my anger, always scared of physical repercussions. Honestly this left me feeling empty and void, and always stressed especially when opening up or having to be vulnerable- so obviously my relationship is a stressor in and of itself, and work, being dependent on people, but I understand that is how the world works, I have my own view now, and it's a much more positive one, and have made positive changes. That is why I am so deeply disturbed by my brain telling me to shut down, to stop existing, more so as of late. I understand these are only feelings and urges I can fight. And I will continue to fight. And definitely there are 'triggers', I specifically feel the flood of stress, guilt, shame, anger, sadness, that cause me to shut down and feel numb.Have not done the deep introspective work to identify them yet, they always just sort of happen in the moment. Have used helplines in those times. Anyways, thank you all who shed some light on this, I will go back to a psychologist/psychiatrist, and seek some more professional help. It will get better. Will take up on your advice for professional therapy, and to look at other similar threads, and continue to support others as well.

Thank you all SO SO much, I wish you all continued health, clarity and wellness! <3

 

[Deleted member 37085]

Hi,
I am new to this forum. I don't know if I have PTSD, not looking for a diagnosis or to diagnose m...

Thank you all for your support and wealth of information! I have had some therapy throughout the years,...

I do have some horrific and violent abusive memories, however, most came back to me in nightmares after a dr. sex. assaulted me in his exam room. My sister remembers it ALL. And my family labeled me horrible names, and as I got older, I then acted them (labels) out and became my abusers' labels and denigrating names they gave me; I became what they told me I was, etc. No more. I too have had to grow up and educate self on becoming me, not what they labeled me as; and yes, I also have a brain w/ptsd that has a direction (to hell if I allow it) all of it's own. And I had to very recently go into emdr therapy in order to try and desensitize the triggers/flashbacks, or I just cannot live like this for the rest of my life. My brain wants me dead, it just randomly gives the most hate-filled, derogatory feedback to me, like get a gun and blow your brains out, etc. it is like I am two different people, although I am one because of my brain's trying so hard w/rogue messages telling me to kill myself. From all of the past abuse and because of the ptsd my brain has developed the ability to by rote to whenever it wants to bring up whatever historical traumatic memory that is triggered and I flashback to the sickening event. I have no control over these insidious, and intrusive debilitating mental pictures and memories that continue to prevent me from developing self-love, etc. I hate this! EMDR hopefully will lower my brain's ability to control the dark and deadly memories/thoughts and emdr will hopefully allow me to begin to develop core love, values, and self-worth, etc. I appreciate your honesty and openness, for here I do not find many willing to open up and talk about why we are actually on this site. So I am grateful. I do not feel so different and dehumanized because of your post. Jade.

 

[Lagatha]

Hi Jade,
I am truly sorry for what you've been through. It's hard to wrap our head around the negative messages we receive from loved ones,much harder to heal from abuse. I guess as children/young people we internalize those messages kind of counter intuitively ..but whatever happened whatever messages we received, at the end of the day, we are all worthy of core love, self compassion, etc. as human beings.
I am just starting to find that out..as an adult! Of course it is more complicated and messy and we had to try first what we were labelled as because I believe when we are younger, our identity is sort of imprinted into us, be it constructive or destructive..that is how I make sense of it.
Keep on keeping on, you seem to have a lot of insight and awareness and are working on positive changes, and that in itself is incredible! and I appreciate Your understanding and support

 

[Deleted member 37085]

Hi Jade,
I am truly sorry for what you've been through. It's hard to wrap our head around the negativ...

Understood. For me as well, to have the most important older and supposedly (NOT) responsible parents, step-father (monster), step-mother (monster); dr., ad infinitum destroying over a extended period of time starting as a very little girl my precious brain and disallowing the development of core (soul) and spirit sickens me to my very core. The extreme abuse and torture tore fully and completely apart not only both sides of an already extremely dysfunctional family unit - father's side and mother's side, abuse also nearly took me out of here. Internalizing I agree these horrific physical and sexual torturous memories/traumas to our precious innocent little bodies, then later denying all occurred I have so much rage inside of me that at times I become so sick. Going into hospital never worked for me always being plied with mind-altering and numbing Rx's that had side-effects that were so debilitating, that I could barely function. Misdiagnosed for roughly over (?) two decades, then finally in 2012 dx'd correctly w/prolonged complex ptsd and maj. dep. disorder, I have so much rage that rage takes most of my energy, hopes, and dreams and puts me down mentally and physically (up and down) throughout a 24/7 period. I struggle to complete simple daily tasks and activities, and I isolate myself from further abuse and harm that others who seemingly are hurting - hurt others to prevent themselves from looking and dealing w/their own issues. "Parents", "caregivers" and "stranger dangers" did this, and now as I encounter others - those whom I run into (brush) in my daily life do this as well. So good to be able to recognize that other peoples' corrosive and covert at times destructive behaviors that they try and glob onto me, and others - has ABSOLUTELY notta to do with me and that I am not responsible for others' lack of self-respect and whom refuse to respect ALL others that share and deserve respect with them. I will not tolerate being disrespected, and refuse to interact with those who disrespect others. Been there, done that. As far as those who either unconsciously or evilly imprinted their sicknesses onto me, I briefly read and have not fully grasped yet I believe what I read said that our brains can only take so much trauma then some as I have dissociated over and over again during the abuse. I did it as an adult in dr.'s office while he sex. assaulted me, and after bike crash in '12 I dissociated before impact. This is how I learned that my brain shuts off to try and protect me when impending danger is eminent and unavoidable and unwanted. Brain after significant trauma (I've read) creates imprints/mapping which in turn causes the rote repetitive flashbacks and triggers until our brain and bodies are able to assimilate the trauma and our core begins to fill with powerful positive feedback about ourselves, instead of the crippling messages from trauma. I know little about this, and yet I know our brain is so powerfully capable of trying to protect me from the long-term violent abuse and torture. I understand about the passivity and the numbing out of your own feelings and opinions, and desires in order to avoid physical repercussions. I was beaten while playing, so having fun was something as an adult I use to could only do when drinking, and or smoking weed, or other (taken way over the limit of casual recreational) mind-altering and numbing behaviors to self in order to try and "have fun" until I looked back (must look back) at the correlation of the beatings while trying to have fun, etc. Some who have suffered trauma cannot look back and thus (they become bitter and controlling and disrespectful of not only self but also others especially those they "perceive" to be vulnerable to their caustic again covert verbal abuse (silence can be a form of abusive behavior) and they stay stuck and never develop self-love and core (foundation). And I relate to feeling so frustrated when brain overrides my positive and hopeful thoughts and goals and dreams. The shame, guilt, and remorse from extreme abuse has left me feeling like an alien on a planet full of people that may or may not have good coping skills themselves, and I can't fix myself, let alone anyone else, therefore, I certainly tend to curse in the kitchen something I am definitely not proud of - yet beats cutting, suicide attempts. Baby steps - no longer cutting (severely) to cursing again I must incrementally grow into my own self-worth and my own self-love, and dependency on others cripples them and myself, and kills relationships dead. Appreciate your openness and willingness to share and grow for my personal experience of hiding and keeping it all inside has proven to be toxic and near lethal. Jade