Hello From Jen

[StressyJen]

Hi all, I don't have a lot of time today but I've been thinking about everything written and I'm happy for the conversation and understanding :) I woke up today much better than usual, I think it might be related. I'm sorry for all the awful things that brought us to this forum, I wish none of us were here but at the same time thankful for you being here.

With a few minutes I'll comment on just a few things :)

Kate I'm really thankful for you and I also feel connected to you, I spent so long scouring for anyone that might have anything similar to me (years). We can start a clingy duck club.

I also have uncontrollable pity for orphans, old people who are alone etc. I worked with a lady when I was around 20 whose son was adopted, multiple foster homes before, they were horrible parents and that lady and her husband died before Mike (my friend) was 17 and he has been off and on homeless all since then but I befriended him and we are like family. He's like the only family I have and what's weird is we lived in another state and later in life we both moved 1500 miles from where we met and ended up in the same city eventually and he's been in prison and out (nothing too serious) but is really messed up but we are still connected and we go to church together and see each other twice a month and we are family to each other. If I had been "normal" I don't think that would have happened and Mike would have no-one. We have 5 cats so we are a household of 7 orphans (my fiance is adopted). I think this is all good.

Re: turning to drugs etc., from 16-20 I did every drug, was promiscuous, drank, I had a seisure while freebasing and a month after found I was 2 months pregnant, I spent the next 7 months terrified and with dreams every night of a deformed child being born. This stuff is part of " Theres a lot more scarey parts to my story in these years from 16-20" I said in my original post, and there is more but that phase of my life is over and I try not to verbalize it too much. haha. If nothing else, I am living proof that whatever hell you're in, you might not be in it forever. :) Also, time DOES blur a lot of the memories which helps.

I am also in some ways stuck as a child like you said, one T helped me understand that and it was a huge revalation. Since you mentioned Jesus, remember that he said we are to come to him like a little child, with child-like faith. So me and you are able to do that better than average people, I try to capitalize on that "plus" to my arrested development! haha.

Running out of time, but will write more later... you brought up a lot of other thoughts.

Thanks Blue and Poke and Anni (hug). Anni, despite the trying it seems impossible to not try to find the WHYS. I know you are right and it's still impossible, it's hard to explain. Maybe it is common for PTSD to try to make sense of things even though they know there is no sense to be made, despite all the things I've overcome, it seems like I should be doing fine, but this thing keeps me in prison and I can't will it away or logic it away. I've been trying for 25 years and I'm pretty smart. It's still good to hear from people that in fact it makes no sense tho, so thank you :) It's like theres some switch in my brain that's stuck and I can't flip it and I know what would happen if I DID flip it, and I want to, and I can feel that way sometimes, but I still can't flip it permanently.

I hope everyone has a good day, talk more later or tomorrow (hug)

 

[StressyJen]

One more thing to clarify, I am 41 years old, my Dad passed when I was 13, and I say "for 25 years" a lot but actually it's been 28 years, although for 3-4 years I think I was just in total shock, I didn't even try to process anything in any coherent way for the first few years.

 

[anni]

You're very quick, you know. Yes,heck yes, I do know it's almost impossible to not try to understand THAT. Even as I wrote that yesterday was thinking 'yes but... :)' because there's this need to understand then maybe contain/control the imcomprehensible. It's what I do, anyway. Plus, in order to be able to just STOP trying to understand your mother, it feels like there would have to be a certain amount of perhaps anger involved. That seems to go both extremes with this stupid PTSD-I just don't have much or didn't, directed at the correct people, or anyone in point of fact! Maybe just try not to take on the responsibilty for your mother's behaviour, or get frustrated because it is so completely incomprehensible.

I hope this forum is helpful. I know when others with things SO similar to me come on here it's both awful ( because they exist at all as survivors-none of us should be here) and comforting. I see you have company and some comfort and will shush on your thread. :) Your original post just plain got to me-not pitiful just terribly painful, plainly told by a hugely likable person so couldn't help but write.

 

[StressyJen]

I see you have company and some comfort and will shush on your thread.

You are always welcome in my thread so don't say stuff like that please! (hug) You honor me with your kind words.

Maybe just try not to take on the responsibilty for your mother's behaviour, or get frustrated because it is so completely incomprehensible.

This seems a more potentially obtainable goal than totally understanding the WHY. But like 15 years ago, I couldn't even wrap my head around the thought of trying to know WHY so maybe in 15 years in the future I will be able to conceive of understanding/hoping for/living with things I can't conceive of now? I hope so.

(hug) Jennie

 

[anni]

I just don't like to interrupt other's flow, you know? People here are so kind, plus genuine, that one doesn't know always if oneself is being intrusive if you're on some thread slightly off the same experience, if I managed to write that and make sense. It's doubtful today- have allowed just that 'understanding' point to overwhelm lately, and should know better. :) You're right, too, who knows how far we'll heal in the future, and be able to intuit all this incomprehensible. painful stuff. I do know facts do help make sense of SOMETHING in all this chaos, thank God. I hadn't actually thought of that- where one would be with that 15 years more down the road. It is a good thing to have in one's head, instead of assuming it just flat-out cannot ever, ever be managed. New thought, and one I like! :)

 

[bluecat]

despite the trying it seems impossible to not try to find the WHYS. I know you are right and it's still impossible, it's hard to explain. Maybe it is common for PTSD to try to make sense of things even though they know there is no sense to be made, despite all the things I've overcome, it seems like I should be doing fine, but this thing keeps me in prison and I can't will it away or logic it away. I've been trying for 25 years and I'm pretty smart. It's still good to hear from people that in fact it makes no sense tho, so thank you :) It's like theres some switch in my brain that's stuck and I can't flip it and I know what would happen if I DID flip it, and I want to, and I can feel that way sometimes, but I still can't flip it permanently.
QUOTE]

Hi Jenny,

I know what you mean with how hard it is to stop trying to figure out why. In college (I started in my mid twenties, a bit behind the curve ; ) I majored in neuroscience, because I wanted to figure out what was wrong with my father, learn about the brain and find out how he could be helped. And in the end I had my scientific explanation, but in a way was exactly where I started. Just wasting more of my precious time on this planet doing what my father should be doing.

I am not saying the following to patronize (ummm, matronize?) you, I know how hard it is and that its a process. I am saying it because its something I am trying to do, so I won't waste another minute of my life.

Its not our responsibility to figure out the how and why of our abusers, its their responsibility. Our job is to take care of ourselves and get better and live our own lives : )

 

[bluecat]

I just don't like to interrupt other's flow, you know? People here are so kind, plus genuine, that one doesn't know always if oneself is being intrusive if you're on some thread slightly off the same experience, if I managed to write that and make sense. It's doubtful today- have allowed just that 'understanding' point to overwhelm lately, and should know better. :)

Hi Anni,

I read your posts in different threads and find them very compassionate, insightful and helpful. Don't stop posting ; )!!!

Peace,
Bluecat

 

[Nishkaa]

Hi Jennie,

I am so glad you mustered up the courage "to take the plunge" here and share with us. I identify a lot with pieces of your history. I also think others here will continue to be valuable allies in healing, we are all affected by PTSD in our lives, and I find the people here are so able to bring fresh perspectives on to things.

I'm also really glad that you were able to find a trauma counsellor for yourself-- a very smart move and it took a lot of courage to reach out-- that in itself is a great accomplishment!

I don't even know where to begin, my head is in a bit of whirl, I'm really blown away. I am so glad you spoke up. I haven't encountered another person who's described things like you have, it's a 'wow' for me.

I lost my dad, suddenly when I was 10. It was a suicide, but I really identify with the losses you experienced around the time you lost your father. That your family didn't give you the heads up on your dad's illness, you also experienced it as a very sudden loss. No time to say good-bye, no time to prepare for it at all. And that's a hard part of the loss, in and of itself.

I wonder if your mom had a lot of anger and hate for your dad? What's with not having a funeral about. It seems selfish to me, to not honour your rights to have at least that time to mourn, to accept comfort from others, to be able to have some formalized marker to say good-bye, even though you didn't have that chance to do that when he was living.

It doesn't sound like your mother was there for you at all, after your father died. That happened to me as well. My mom went nuts into her own grief, it was all about her grief, there was no room for the children to express their own grief safely. We were attacked and threatened (even physically) to bring it up. My mom had major anger and rage following my dad's death (and it was definitely there before his death too) and I also to, for some reason, became the the 'scapegoat' as well, the 'receptacle' for her to dump her rage on to me. I had some closeness with my dad, not much (because he wasn't around that much and was a drunk, etc.), but I remember important moments, have been able to recall some peices of those memories again (after getting my ptsd years later-- I somehow shut down my memories of before he died, discovered that there is a part within me that sort of holds those memories-- kind of weird, I know), part of me definitely died, when my dad died and it has been hidden from me until more recently. I think one of the reasons my mom targetted me, might have been out of some jealousy of the attachment I had with my dad, I'm similar to my dad in some aspects of my personality. Also, my mom sometimes fuses me with her 'twin sister', which is also a bit weird, somesort of pscyho-drama there, her dark side she's kept in and saved just for me ;-) (I have some sarcasm which helps me cope). The other thing, and one of the main things that angered my mom was the big loss of income, that was not what she planned for in her life. This was the time when poor women, like my mom, pretty much had to marry to be able to have a stable place to live, have kids, to keep a hold on the marriage. It sounds cold and calculating, but my mom is actually very honest about that, but yes, it hurt me to learn that when I was younger. It was clear, there was no love, there was no attachment with my mom. I didn't trust her.

Though there is the fact of no-strong attachment, nor bond with my mom, that hasn't stopped a 'wishful' side of mine, wishing and wanting to believe that there could be an attachment, a relationship, a bond. My mom was not a safe person to be around when I was vulnerable. I had to build up a lot more strength and I needed time away from her, she needed time away from me. For a long time, I kept setting myself up for more rejection and abuse from her, just maybe from an 'idea' of what a mother should be, a kind of sentimentality, maybe something very natural to want for myself. But I had to square with the reality of her very real limitations.

I, like you, also have compassion for my mom, I can see how she was hurt; I can imagine and see things from her perspective and more so now as an adult. There has been some salvaging of a relationship, but there are no illusions either. But we've managed to keep the past in the past.

My mom was so angry at my dad, at her plans for more stable finances blown and she would have to learn to fend for herself again out there in the world. I can understand her anger, my dad did put us all through hell, and he was I think extra-sadistic with my mom and that's probably all she could see, was his sadistic abuse to her. I do have empathy as well for her, but I have to also be realistic about our relationship and I've accepted that it won't be a mother-daughter one, nor was it ever like that-- she had no grounding in a parental self, that was just gone, there was too much chaos going on for her to even be able to focus that way. What has been salvaged with my mom, is that we can now talk about things, but we needed a lot of physical space, some time and years for this to be so, she had to heal some, and I needed to heal some. If your mom is not getting help and is still stuck in anger and treating you as an object to attack, that's really not worth it, IMO, not a healthy influence in your recovery, it can put your recovery behind actually.

My mom also never got a marker for my dad's grave-- I mean not for a very long time (and it was my uncle who stepped in to take care of that). It's sad, that there isn't a place for you to go to grieve, but you can make one for yourself, something to work out with your therapist, so that you can have some peaceful space to contemplate, honour, express feelings whatever comes up-- grief comes with a mix of emotions, some don't feel so 'virtuous' but they are okay. I had really bad nightmares by the time highschool came around, really aweful ones connected to this, but I won't discuss here atm. Those repeated nightmares went away, when my uncle stepped in to take care of things on that particular issue. Strange how it all goes.

This is as much as I can say right now, without going into another gear-shift.

I am really glad that you find comfort through prayer and that you practice daily and formally each morning. That's something I ought to do as well. I pray, often, daily, but not with an alloted special regular time for it-- I think I could benefit more if I did that. It gives me a good space to touch compassion within, to express gratitude, I often forget to ask for help, but when I have, I've noticed some good coming from that. I just forget to care about my self at times, but I'm trying to work with not forgetting to-- I'm very active on myself on that, teach myself new habits of caring for myself, having compassion for my self. I do feel prayerful when I come here and take moments with myself to express that, entering in my own silence and on behalf of healing for everyone I meet here. I can see so much healing going on, it's an underlying flow to everything, I think. And it is a big comfort for me.

Thank you so much for taking the risks, for coming here. When you are helping yourself in healing, it also has ripple effects on others healing here, and in me right now, I feel I've been healing because from what you have said, has helped me reach some connections to within and here even.

Peace be with you,
~N

 

[StressyJen]

Hi N, Thank you for your post :) :)

The last few days I've been feeling like taking a rest from all the analysis, but today I log in to find this post from you and thank you so much for responding, and I'm thrilled honestly that something in my past is able to help someone else. It's weird, I think just talking with the people on this forum is so different and makes it easier to think about things without freaking out. I think because you, and others, experienced all this CRAZY CRAP too, that it makes my past seem like one of many bad pasts, and helps me keep it in perspective. Not sure if that makes sense, but perspective is like a precious jewel to me when I think about these things.

Seems you experience this also --- the thing about loosing one parent to death, and the other to "insanity" or whatever you want to call it, is that you have to stay with the crazy parent and it's hard when you're so young that no one can really step in and help you and now you've lost one and the other is in control of you. It sounds bad (and I don't wish death on my mother believe me!!) but I've often thought it would have been better perhaps to loose them both. Someone would have taken custody of us, an aunt or grandparents or the state --- and we (all the children) would have gotten some sort of counseling etc., it would have been terribly hard but better. Being around my mom was like walking on eggshells for everyone who knew her, and even if extended family wanted to step in or help (I guess some of them might have) they really couldn't because she was busy trying to cope with her own grief and trying to hold it all together, but she was totally failing but what could anyone do?

As someone who truly understands, let me just say my heart totally breaks for you, I'm so sorry you lost both of your parents, as you knew them, at the same time while only TEN! It's very sad and traumatic. I think it's amazing that you've maintained some relationship with her and it probably means a lot to her even if she doesn't know it. (big hug)

My mom idealized my Dad, she had a bad history herself and I think in her mind my dad "saved" her from a miserable existence. She dropped everything to care for him while he was sick, as I understood later she spent sometimes weeks with him sleeping in his hospital room, etc. In retrospect I think she had/has post-trauma issues herself, I've often chalked up my anxiety and black/white nature to "being like my Mom". Now I'm starting to see that learning the behaviors from her just makes it all the easier for me to fall into the same pattern of feelings and dealing with the feelings. I think the no-funeral thing was just because she was in too much strife to deal with it. I'm not sure but that has been how I've viewed it for a very long time.

You mentioned you think there is some sort of strange jealousy factor. I have a similar factor but I never thought of it as "jealousy" before. I always felt, and I can't say exactly why, that there was this aspect: she felt that I was the oldest child, I knew my dad, so therefore was inherently "blessed" and had everything I could ever want in life, but my younger brother and sister were pathetic orphans to be pitied. I've mentioned this before to people and they think I'm crazy. But I know there is something strange like that here... even my sister blurted out something to this effect in an argument once with me, that I was very lucky to have had so much time with my Dad and I should be thankful. Now you have me thinking, maybe it is more something like, she (mom) was a heartbroken widow, and sister & brother were so young and pitiful, it is easy for her to feel sorry and care for them and love them because they are helpless, but I wasn't even around (was in boarding school) and I'm practically grownup and doing grown up things (not long after was drinking, drugs, avoiding home and staying out with friends, [was raped goes here maybe??!]) and that helped her develop her hatred/jealousy of me over the following years.

The WHY of the difference in treatment between me and my siblings is the core WHY that always haunts me. Another slight change that would have made this better, I think, is if I were an only child, or if all 3 of us had experienced the same thing. The whole thing screams in my head: GUILT GUILT YOU ARE DIFFERENT AND YOU MUST HAVE BEEN THE ONE TO BLAME, or else sister & brother would have had the same problem! I'm sort of babbling my thoughts, thanks for listening and I hope they're somewhat coherent.

I honestly don't feel the need to mourn my father, or process the rape, I never have. I think the mother loss overshadows it all and just the idea that maybe I need to do these things sort of scares me, like maybe I have all these big huge issues underneath the "missing mommy" problem. But maybe I do, and I'm going to think about it. I think this T so far is good and this might take a long time but I'm going to let him guide me through all these things rather than try to do everything all at once. But I'm filing that back in my brain to slowly process while I think about other things, I have a feeling it's going to start making some sense. Thanks :)

My morning prayers are definitely more desperation than discipline. I seriously wake every morning in a horrendous panic state. I would like to make them discipline though!!! Even though my emotions and coping mechanisms might not reflect it, in my logical head I know I can't rely on anyone, in the tiniest moment everything can change and be the opposite of what I thought it was vs. God never changes, and He's always there, and I've pretty much decided He's the only one I can trust 100%. Of course I have to learn to get in and take some risks with other people, which I pretty much don't do, but I want to do more.

Thanks for the friendship
Jennie