Sufferer Hello I Need Support

[Deleted member 28942]

Hello,

I am 30 year old male doing a PhD in Computer Science. Until a year ago I thought my family was picture perfect. However, our relationships were very strained and distant. In addition, throughout life I would feel anxious or depressed at times and I have never been able to be in a stable relationship although I consider myself attractive and social person. Most of my friendships have been with people who are very dysfunctional.
About a year ago I started remembering what it was like growing up. One day I just broke down and started crying and remembering things. I grew up in a family with a lot of physical, verbal, and emotional abuse. There might have been sexual abuse but I am not sure of that yet. My parents are both narcissist and incapable of love. I was the scapegoat of the family. I ended my relationship with them temporary while I am going through therapy.

I have a C-PTDS or developmental trauma. I am out of touch with my feelings. I started working with a therapist on somatic experiencing to get in touch with my feelings. I am hoping to move on to EMDR.

I am here to discuss my experience through the healing journey and connect with people who are going through the same process. I hope to get support because besides my therapist, I have no one else to talk about it.

Sincerely,
Universal Being

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi @UniversalBeing, and welcome to the forum!

I think you're in a good place to connect with others. Many of us don't know anyone else in real life who have PTSD. (I only know one other person, but she is in a very different place in healing and isn't someone I can talk to about our shared disorder, sadly enough.)

I have a narcissistic mother (daughter of my narcissistic grandfather, and from what I hear, my great-grandmother was narcissistic, too). I think that my siblings and I have escaped this fate, fortunately. It is quite hard to recover from, as I've processed my sexual and physical abuse. The only thing I could do in regards to the emotional abuse at the hands of my narcissistic mother was go no contact with her. Its been a little over a month now, and overall I'm going much better.

I hope you're able to find the support you're looking for!

 

[joeylittle]

Welcome to the forum, @UniversalBeing. We are a big place with lots to read and discover, as well as ample space to write about anything you'd like. Glad you're here.

 

[WillyKat]

A big welcome to the forum!

My experience was similar to yours. I recovered my memories at age 21 and cried like I've never cried before and maybe only twice since then. Point being that you are not alone; there are many folks on this forum that can relate to your story.

 

[Seasounds]

Welcome, to this forum, Link Removed! :) I think you are in a good place, to receive intelligent and sincere support.

To be able to experience and talk about feelings, reach out to others, and explore treatment options, are good signs. Truly, congratulations on your hard work!

Things broke down for me when I was in grad school, too.
Whew, a lot, all at once, came at me. At first I without the tools I needed. Slowly, I got my feet on the ground. And here I am typing (a corny joke-i.e. I lived to tell the tale) :rolleyes:.

Enjoy this wonderful place!

 

[Powder]

Welcome to the forum, UniversalBeing,

I avoided thinking about my developmental traumas until I was 33 and done with grad school. So that sounds familiar. I hope to one day earn my Ph.D. and believe that even with chronic PTSD, this goal is attainable under the right conditions. I look forward to reading your posts here.

 

[Nam]

Welcome! It's a great community here.

 

[Mr Man]

Hello,

I am 30 year old male doing a PhD in Computer Science. Until a year ago I thought my family was picture perfect. However, our relationships were very strained and distant.

I've just joined up , on the back of reading your post. My story is similar to yours, I have a Borderline (BPD) mom and a NPD bro. Both pretty aggressive, and abusive. I realise around a year ago and have been NC since. There are a couple of other forums you make like BPDfamily is very busy and great for validating all the bizarre behaviour BPD/NPD display. Best of Luck. Here in the UK, I've waited almost a year and just got access to therapy. The only reason being, NPD is in the news with high profile child abusers being ousted (many of whom died before it got out in the open - how convenient). Do you have any tips ?

 

[Deleted member 28942]

Thank you @Solara for sharing your experience. I agree the emotional abuse is the worst part. I went temporary no contact a week ago when I realized how negative their influence is on me. I am glad you went no contact and it really helps hearing from other people who have gone through similar situations. Btw, I like your quote from the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind or Alexander Pope.

Hi @Saetva, can you share how you got your feet back on the ground for me that is still difficult. I obsess about it throughout the day and worry. Memories are flooding my brain all day long and I have nightmares.

Hi @Muse I am glad you finished grad school. Somedays, when memories start pouring, it is really hard to focus on the work but I keep pushing. One day at a time.

Hi @Vampire victum, I am sorry to hear about your mother and brother. I am glad you stopped contact with them. I had to do the same for my own sake. I am quite new in the healing process and I can't give you many tips. However, I think you did the right thing to end the communication with them. Also for me reading about NPD made me feel worse. Recently, I stopped reading about it and that helped me somewhat. I will share tips as I move along the way.

 

[ghotiff]

Welcome :)

how you got your feet back on the ground for me that is still difficult.

Self soothing is important. Do you have a set of self soothing tools to use. It took me ages to learn what mine where as they were criticized if I did them when I was a child.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

@ghotiff at the moment I don't have self soothing tools. I go to yoga and I am starting weight training class next week. That helps me relax and sleep better. A lot of the self soothing techniques from childhood are very triggering at the moment because they bring a lot of memories. As a child I liked drawing, painting, listening to music, crafts, etc. Now, when I try to do them I get very frustrated and I start remembering the insults and the put downs. How did you overcome the criticism? I still have the inner voices of my parents in my head.

 

[WillyKat]

I've heard good things about Yoga. Tried it myself, but there was something about it that didn't work for me. I'm glad it's working for you.

That damn inner narrative. I think many of us deal with that. Of course, you'll hear things like "that inner narrative is wrong" and that's true. But, for me (and your mileage may vary), that didn't work until I started developing my own narrative. I began re-evaluating everything I remembered about my life and looked at it with fresh eyes, compassionate eyes (as if it was someone else), and worked with my therapist to see all those glasses as half full instead of half empty. That may work for you too.