Hello, I'm New Here, But Feeling A Bit Stuck?

[Millie F]

Apologies, for coming on here with a problem but....I feel a bit stuck.

I am a carer, and have been for the last 17 years.

Three years or so ago, things came to a great big head, when I thought my husband might have a complete breakdown, but we weathered it. I got him help and a therapist, and we discussed everything, with our son too - my husband had been having some really angry outbursts and had frightened us all for a while. But bit by bit, it all got better. The main problem being that as far as my husband was concerned it was 'all behind him'. I have tried to get him to monitor his feelings, and I make sure he does his relaxation tape daily, which really seems to help.

Now today it's just all blown up into big time drama again - he's away from home, and has had a panic attack, and has convinced himself that he's going to die.....but, instead of just coming home, he has told all and sundry that 'I' am having some kind of crisis and he has to come home to look after me! This is not the first time this has happened, most of his company - who are unaware of his problems - think I am a complete bitch/head case/horrible woman. I don't really care what these unknown people think of me, but why does he always make it out that I am some horror?

It sounds daft as I write it, but I just don't know how much more of this I can stand. It has been just year after year of chipping away at my self confidence. I know he has problems, we never do anything else but make allowances for his problems! My son and I tipptoe around his psyche like it may shatter at any moment. When he went through the really bad patch and was nasty, and angry and got involved in nasty pornography, I was angry, and I wanted the nice man back who I married, and I was willing to fight for my marriage and 'our' sanity. Now I just feel sad and put upon and I'm sick of lying to the world and making excuses for his behaviour.

That's really a novel form of introducing myself heh?

Apologies, Millie

<Paragraph breaks inserted by Amethist>

 

[amethist]

Hi Millie

Welcome to the forum.

Yes you should be here, you need help, understanding, support and advice, just as much as your husband does.

A quick answer to why he does the "My wife is having a crisis I have to go home" thing, is probably because he does not want his work colleagues to know anything about his PTSD. This is not unusual, so if you can understand why he does this, and get past it, it will help both of you.

Tip toeing round him, is basically walking on egg shells, which is not good for any of you.

I won't type it all up here, but if you come down the supporters area, you will find a lot of helpful information, to try and put some things right, before they get any worse. It will not be easy and you both struggle to get some kind of balance back, but it can be done, as long as you both work together, including your son in this too.

Take good care of yourself, you are important too.

Amethist

 

[Millie F]

Amethist,

Many thanks for your kind response, and I'm sorry about the page breaks - just put fingers to paper and went!!

All this morning I read the Supporters posts, and there are some wonderful people on there, and some very sound advice - very inspirational.

I think it's just been all a bit of a shock, I knew things were going downhill a bit, but didn't realise they were going to hell in quite such a runaway handcart! We will get through this again. I am just not sure quite how, or indeed, if, we should be doing this as a family. For the last two years, all has been quiet - not normal, but no massive anger attacks, or scary outbursts, that being said, I have anticipated any stress that may be coming up on the horizon and headed it off at the pass, or just kept it all to myself, and our son seeks me out and tells me if his father is behaving oddly again - so far from the average family life (whatever that might be). I have gone from being a wife to some kind of hypervigilant nanny.

Last time all this went nuclear I found another, excellent, forum, that helped me tremendously - it does when you realise you aren't in it all by yourself, and I corresponded with them for the 18 months it was really bad, but then I stopped as life got better. They have since, sadly, closed, but I am not sure whether I should say I am delighted to have found my way to you, or if I should regret that you have so many members including me?

Thank you for being a port in a storm. I shall take myself off the the Supporters group and wait it out.

 

[Paranoid10]

Dear Millie F,
Welcome to the forum! There is nothing to apologize about regarding being on this site with a problem. That is what it's designed for, to help people.

I also want to tell you what a wonderful person you are to do everything you have done to help your husband. I, unfortunately am a sufferer. However, I do understand clearly what you are going through. My wife and I have been through a very similar situation to yours years ago. It took me time to get treatment, get back on my feet again and start recognizing things as they were. I still have issues to date, but they are not as severe in intensity and frequency as they were 8 years ago.

I wish you the best of luck getting the answers you need. You really picked a great site to reference from. Respectfully, Paranoid10.

 

[Sandra]

Welcome to the forum.