InvisibleSun
Silver Member
Hello all..my name is InvisibleSun! I've been cruising the forum for a couple weeks now..trying to get a feel for the community before i finally made the leap. I've never done anything like this before, but I feel as though I have come to the right place. This board seems to provide a safe, mature, and nuturing enviroment for all of those that suffer at the hands of this demon..and I thank all of those involved for striving to provide such a wonderful outlet..I'm hoping that my time here can provide me the same comfort and strength that it has seemed to provide for so many others. I think that it will.
So I feel I should share my story and a little bit of why I'm here..I'm 27 years old and I was diagnosed with CPTSD 6 years ago, however, i suffered for many years prior to an actual diagnosis. My condition is a result of severe medical trauma as a child, as well as domestic abuse and several rapes. I was born premature at 26 weeks and spent the first 3.5 months of life in a neonatal intensive care unit. Major surgeries, hundereds of blood transfusions and thousands of medical procedures were all that allowed my survival. And even then, I wasn't safe. I spent the next 12 years in and out of hospitals..collapsed lungs, pnemonia several times a year, staff infections, asthma attacks..it never seemed to end. By the time I was 3, it all became too much. I became quite the fiesty little patient..and I began fighting back. I became beligerant and violent with the hospital staff..I ripped IV's out of my arms on many occasions. I spent most of my time in a straight jacket or some form of a restraint. I will never forget the straight jacket..it's where I learned to dissociate.
Being the child of a single mother didn't make matters easier. My mother needed help. Men floated in and out of my life..and most of them I liked. But there was one that was physially abusive to us and that really stuck with me. I knew everytime I hid in a closet, or cleaned the blood off my moms face..I knew, that these were the moments that would haunt me for the rest of my life. At 6 years old, the nightmares began, and haven't left me alone since. Eventually my mother met my stepfather and settled down, but life was far from perfect. I spent the rest of my childhood with a cold, emotionally abusive stepfather..but at least i wasn't getting punched in the face. At 16, I was brutally raped at knifepoint and would be raped 2 more times in the next 6 years. The last rape, is what triggered my PTSD, and I've been on somewhat of a downward spiral ever sice. I tried the drug thing for awhile...hoping that maybe one more hit or one more line would somehow make the pain go away. It never did.
I can say things are better now than they have ever been, though. I have a wonderful boyfriend with whom I have a great life with. And it is because of him that I am now in treatment. My PTSD has really taken a toll on our relationship and I've put him through the ringer. PTSD has totally f*cked up my entire life, actually. I am a complete hot mess. I honestly don't even feel human most of the time. If I'm not completely flooded with negative emotions, then I'm completely numb. There is no in between. I am either ridiculously angry and tense or I completely shut down. Every time I close my eyes, I go to hell and back again..so I don't sleep anymore. It's just easier that way. I'm on meds now..which are really helping..but I still have such a long way to go.
So I guess that's why I'm here...because I have nothing else to lose. Because I want my life back..because I want to be free. Thanks for reading and I look forward to meeting everyone. Bless you all!
So I feel I should share my story and a little bit of why I'm here..I'm 27 years old and I was diagnosed with CPTSD 6 years ago, however, i suffered for many years prior to an actual diagnosis. My condition is a result of severe medical trauma as a child, as well as domestic abuse and several rapes. I was born premature at 26 weeks and spent the first 3.5 months of life in a neonatal intensive care unit. Major surgeries, hundereds of blood transfusions and thousands of medical procedures were all that allowed my survival. And even then, I wasn't safe. I spent the next 12 years in and out of hospitals..collapsed lungs, pnemonia several times a year, staff infections, asthma attacks..it never seemed to end. By the time I was 3, it all became too much. I became quite the fiesty little patient..and I began fighting back. I became beligerant and violent with the hospital staff..I ripped IV's out of my arms on many occasions. I spent most of my time in a straight jacket or some form of a restraint. I will never forget the straight jacket..it's where I learned to dissociate.
Being the child of a single mother didn't make matters easier. My mother needed help. Men floated in and out of my life..and most of them I liked. But there was one that was physially abusive to us and that really stuck with me. I knew everytime I hid in a closet, or cleaned the blood off my moms face..I knew, that these were the moments that would haunt me for the rest of my life. At 6 years old, the nightmares began, and haven't left me alone since. Eventually my mother met my stepfather and settled down, but life was far from perfect. I spent the rest of my childhood with a cold, emotionally abusive stepfather..but at least i wasn't getting punched in the face. At 16, I was brutally raped at knifepoint and would be raped 2 more times in the next 6 years. The last rape, is what triggered my PTSD, and I've been on somewhat of a downward spiral ever sice. I tried the drug thing for awhile...hoping that maybe one more hit or one more line would somehow make the pain go away. It never did.
I can say things are better now than they have ever been, though. I have a wonderful boyfriend with whom I have a great life with. And it is because of him that I am now in treatment. My PTSD has really taken a toll on our relationship and I've put him through the ringer. PTSD has totally f*cked up my entire life, actually. I am a complete hot mess. I honestly don't even feel human most of the time. If I'm not completely flooded with negative emotions, then I'm completely numb. There is no in between. I am either ridiculously angry and tense or I completely shut down. Every time I close my eyes, I go to hell and back again..so I don't sleep anymore. It's just easier that way. I'm on meds now..which are really helping..but I still have such a long way to go.
So I guess that's why I'm here...because I have nothing else to lose. Because I want my life back..because I want to be free. Thanks for reading and I look forward to meeting everyone. Bless you all!
