Supporter Hello Please Help

[Lou Moone]

My girlfriend of 8 years has just left me because I don't know how to deal with her P.T.S.D. I really thought she could get help and the problems would go away. I see how wrong I was. She says she still loves me and will come back if I can learn to be more sensitive to her issues. I really want to learn. My first question is "How do I keep from feeling rejected when she jumps away when I touch her?" I know it's not directed at me but I always react wrong when she flinches. I can go into more detail if someone can help.

 

[bitterfight_]

I think you need to understand that PTSD is a very long, hard process, first. She can get help, and continue to work hard, but let me be clear: it won't make what happened to her disappear. Don't let this ruin the fact that there is hope. She can still continue to work towards being as symptom-free as possible. If you don't mind me asking, what do you mean by react wrong? If you're blaming her for her reaction, or asking her why she's reacting such a way with you, you have to realize that PTSD is very complex, and it has nothing to do with you. She clearly loves you tremendously, and I know it's hard to ask yourself "but I'm a safe person, why is she flinching away from me?", it's because she has been through a lot. If you feel rejected, talk to her about it (not when or if she's triggered - but later). Don't try to push the "why", but just listen to her. If she needs to talk, she will. Remind her that you're there for her, and remind yourself of all the things she does that proves her love for you.

You said you want to learn. Read. Read all you can, and this website is a great tool for that too. Understand her symptoms, her triggers (you don't always have to ask, just be observant), and you can learn through her. Learn by being gentle as you possibly can with her, and maybe ask her before you touch her, even if it's just a slight brush of your fingers on her arm, or holding her hand. In my last relationship, I made it clear to my boyfriend that I didn't like being touched near my neck for specific reasons, and told him to warn me before he approached that area so that I was prepared mentally for his touch. I have no doubt that she loves you, and you seem to love her just as deeply from your concern, which is a great foundation of support for her to get better. I think that right now, she is probably just as scared of hurting your feelings as she is of her own feelings. Have you talked to her about this? When you say she jumps away when you touch her, is it in specific places - or is it just general intimacy (eg, holding hands?). If you're touching her in a place that's triggering for her, then it might be easiest to ask her about which places to be more careful when touching her. If it's a general thing, I would ask her if it would be okay to work on little things with intimacy.

I know this is confusing, but I'll use my neck as an example again. I HATE people touching my neck, leaning near it, anything. I'm constantly afraid of having someone try to choke me there (from a previous trauma), so with my ex boyfriend, we worked on that a lot. He would touch my arms at first, or lean his head against my arms, and then he would kiss my shoulder. After I felt comfortable with that, I'd let him put his hand on the top of my shoulder, and then once I was comfortable with that, I let him massage my shoulders. After awhile and I was comfortable enough, I was okay with him touching my neck, kissing my neck, etc. Honestly, it's a long hard road, and you need to be very gradual with her so that she realizes that she is in a safe environment with you, and you can build trust with her.

There will always be "those days", but you seem like a truly supportive boyfriend to reach out and look for help so that you can help her. Good luck, and I hope you two work everything out. You both seem very much in love with each other, so I'm sending good vibes. Also, if she isn't already on this website, she should definitely sign up. I find this website helps me tremendously.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Lou,

Welcome to the forum!

There is an entire section for Supporters where you will find a lot of information. Learn all that you can about PTSD and also find some support for yourself. PTSD puts a lot of stress on relationships, but it is not something that has to necessarily destroy or end a relationship. It sounds like the door is open for communication so take it one step at a time. You may also want to check out enlisting the help of a therapist.

Debbie

 

[Lou Moone]

Thank you for your advice. When I say that I reacted wrong I mean that I would feel rejected when she would pull away.Alot of times it would cause a fight. My way of thinking was "an abuser touched your neck, I'm not him. You're safe with me so why can't I touch your neck?" I see now that eay of thinking

 

[Lou Moone]

sorry i hit the wrong button and posted a partial. That way of thinking just made her feel pressured causing her to pull away even more. I should have been talking to someone for a long time about these things.It took her leaving for me to realize what a serious issue PTSD is. Our first few years together were great but then her PTSD was aggravated and I am starting to see that I may have made things worse. I feel terrible. She is talking to me and we are going to seek therapy together and individually to try to work things out.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Hi Lou, welcome to the forum! You're doing a great thing by reaching out, it's a very good first step to working things out with your girlfriend.

She is talking to me and we are going to seek therapy together and individually to try to work things out.

Good for you. I hope therapy will give you the support you both need. It's obvious that you really do care about her and that you want to change for her, which is a very good beginning. Give it time (a lot of it), and hold on to your motivation to work things out. Then I'm sure you can both accomplish great things, or at the very least you can both learn and grow a lot as people.

I wish you both the best and hope you'll manage to find a way to have your happily ever after together.

 

[Lou Moone]

Thank you all for your advice. When I said I may have made things worse that was an understatement I'm starting to see that I was entirely wrong in the way I acted towards her a lot of times. I took her actions to be a personal rejection and being hurt I would say things that hurt her. I also at times witheld affection because I thought she was pushing me away. I really feel like a total jerk. A lot of my actions weren't intentional but that doesn't make them any less wrong. I was never abusive towards her in any way but I was wrong in a lot of ways towards her. I'll try to get her to signup on this website too. I don't expect a quick fix but hope to keep moving in the right direction.I do love her and hope she still loves me enough to give me a chance to become a better man. I'm going to buy the book "the PTSD relationship" is anyone familiar with it? Is it a good place to start? I'm also looking for a local support group to join.Would like for her to join one too.

 

[bitterfight_]

I am SO glad you've recognized certain attitudes you used. Do not feel like a jerk! It is a common thing for supporters to do, and be confused about. Again, past boyfriends of mine have had very similar reactions at first. I would start by explaining to her that you're confused about PTSD and you would like to understand it with her. Understand her triggers, her reactions, whatever you can (without pushing her about it). This website is a great resource. I am glad she is going to start therapy - that's a great place to start. I'm also glad to hear you picked up a book to read on PTSD and relationships. I actually haven't read that one, so I can't give my standpoint on that, but it's a good move for you to do! Learning is always a good place to start. I haven't read too many books on PTSD from the supporter standpoint, but I have two from the survivor's standpoint (my favourite being "Life After Trauma"). They've really helped me a lot. I would ask her about what options she is comfortable about you being involved with in therapy and/or any group therapy you two could join. Just be as open and honest with her as possible while respecting any decisions she chooses to make. You're really proving you care about her, and I'm very glad you're so actively involved in supporting her. You will make a good support system for her. Sending good vibes!!

 

[Lou Moone]

I'm just afraid I may be to late. We're seperated right now and I am having a hard time with the split. Especially since I feel it was my fault. While being seperate how do I walk that line between being there enough to show that I care and being there too much and making her feel pressured? I don't want to push her away but also don't want her to feel abandoned. Thank you everyone for your kind words and advice.

 

[Lou Moone]

She told me that she wants me to stay in touch but when she feels pressured it brings up times in her past when someone wouldn't take no for an answer. I don't want my lack of undrstanding of PTSD to be the thing that drives us apart.

 

[bitterfight_]

If you're separated right now, you need to give her as much space as she needs. Pushing her back into a relationship while she's trying to take a break to take care of herself or asking her when you can get back together is probably a big no-no at this point. It is not your fault, but you have to understand that making her feel pressured into making a choice will probably push her further away from you. She needs space and time. You won't be pushing her away if you remind her that you're always there for her and that you care about her. Just give her the space she needs, and don't bombard her or pressure her into answers or choices. I don't think it's entirely the lack of understanding PTSD, but listening to what she says. Take her requests seriously, and when she's ready, she will make her choices from there. Good luck!

 

[Lou Moone]

Thank you very much bitterfight. I will back away and just let her know that I'm here for her. I will continue to learn all I can about PTSD. So that if she calls I will be able to be better with her. If she doesn't call I will still have learned a lot.