My name is Scott, 42. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, and just recently in the last month with ADHD.
I have suffered from physical, emotional and sexual abuse. I have had a very awful childhood, and I could not remember any of it until like 2-1/2 years ago. It has I can say turned my life and my families relationship upside down.
I was always a Hitler in my kids eyes, always telling them yes or no, and not listening at all. I gave them no place to prove themselves nor talk with me about things I completely disagreed with. I believe they really truly hated me or scared because of this. I was unapproachable, when I believed for myself that this was only and the only correct course of action. I could not be talked with. This was also very hard on my wife, she tried her best to reason with me and also deal with the girls, she tried to be understanding but at the same time understanding to the girls. My wife had issues with them but I tried my best to be her rock which I should have. This really created problems with my oldest Samantha, she found herself leaning more towards my wife due to my inability to be more sensitive to her. More willing to be passionate and caring, I lacked these abilities and did say many times, if this hurts you than oh well, just deal with it. I was sarcastic and emotionless.
Then about a year or so ago, I made a pact with myself that I was going to treat the youngest with more passion, this was my last chance out of 5 kids to do something a little different. Listen more and be there, needless to say this change in myself created a completely new host or slew of problems.
My uncle died and I was confronted with my mother again, that devastated me, she could care less about me or the problems my dad and her had done to me. I then tried to get back with my sister, that turned into a complete mess, I felt like there was no hope. I lost everybody which I called my original family. My immediate family stood by me, but I think it was to late, I was in a downward spiral from there. I talked to myself all the time, I paced, I thought of suicide all the time. I was receiving flashbacks of things from the past, things I didn't know and things I did. But the things I did now, were of the worst nature, it constantly reminded me of the feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness. It filled my head full of emotions which I couldn't process, couldn't file away. So my best response was to hunker up and push it back to the back of my mind. This became very dangerous for me, I felt like a ticking time bomb, anger filling me up. I needed to find a happy place something to keep me out of that state.
Here comes the youngest girl, she gave me that feeling of escaping, of having fun, she can be a blast, but again that came with a new set of problems. Because of this my wife became then a third wheel in the house, she sunk back into the shadows, she felt really left out. I couldn't see past my own inability to process anything other than surviving myself. She talked with me, she pleaded with me, she cried and begged me to come forward. She had lost the person she knew, I was someone else. I told her she was wrong, but my god, she was so right. I was this husk of a man I use to be, tearing myself from the inside out. I dearly loved my wife and she is usually always right, she had tried in all her wisdom to get me see what she saw, hoping I would come back. But instead I fell deeper into my own nothingness. I had made my youngest daughter a monster, always giving her what she wanted, buying her things hoping that it would make her happier, I needed to know I was making someone happy. When in myself, I was so unhappy, I was trying to mask one with the other.
I lied, broke trust, and made my once so loving lady a living wreck in herself. I made attempts to take my own life thinking that it would stop the pain, I would find happiness in it. I knew I was screwed up, I thought maybe I could find the strength to one day confront and eradicate it. I was so wrong, it was swallowing me whole, my wife and I were fighting over the youngest, I was allowing things without her permission, I was being a monster myself. My wife no longer could stand this and she made the right decision, she needed to control her environment, she was losing herself in this whole thing as well.
I had enrolled myself into a hospital knowing that I really didn't want to take my life but was scared of even myself. I am receiving help right now, but I can't seem to get past problems which are still plaguing me. Most of all my best friend in the world, my wife. She stood by me even in the darkest of moments, I have hurt her so much....I never wanted too, during my warped sense of reality, I have dragged her relentlessly through it. Even when she should of just walked away, she came back even stronger in caring and loving. She is my lover, my life and my willingness to move on. I wish I could have an ounce of what she has, she had hope and the ability to see the future beyond this.
I'm staying in an apartment and her at the house, we were doing great, never felt so close to her, her heart was open to me, she slept with her cellphone just in case I needed her. Then after just two therapy sessions, we was making plans for me to move back in, getting rid of the apartment. I was so happy to be a part of her life again, I got struck with the same problems I was trying to fix, my daughter started getting with me, constantly asking me to do things for her, calling me in some cases every five minutes to change her mothers mind or get her cellphone back, "well you need to talk with her everyday until I get it back." Making demands being relentless, truthfully I couldn't handle this, I tried my best to rid the conversations, but then it happened, I fell right back into my problems. I moved too quick to be there, my therapist was upset I didn't try to work on tools and get myself correct in the head, before facing that again. I once again upset my wife.
Why am I being so open here? Well the answer is, I know I have an Illness, I know I have problems....I'm not in denial, I am committed in to find the answers or how to try and be that person I want to be for both myself and my wife. I only lasted this long was because I asked for forgiveness and a chance. But when given that chance and no way to eliminate that problem with true help, I'm lying to myself and to my wife. My words mean nothing now, I've said the same thing over and over, "like a broken record" been told and yes when you don't prove yourself that is exactly what you sound like.
I need actions, I need a soul search, I need to know when I mean something it is as such a truthful answer. I need to earn trust back, my wife has been so open with me and me not with her. I'm not a bad person, I'm just a screwed up soul who at this point has made a complete mess out of what he called his own (a family).....please help!!!!
I don't know that much about my illness, just getting into it. But I need to save myself from my own demons, and save that little lady I love so much.
Thank you for listening
I have suffered from physical, emotional and sexual abuse. I have had a very awful childhood, and I could not remember any of it until like 2-1/2 years ago. It has I can say turned my life and my families relationship upside down.
I was always a Hitler in my kids eyes, always telling them yes or no, and not listening at all. I gave them no place to prove themselves nor talk with me about things I completely disagreed with. I believe they really truly hated me or scared because of this. I was unapproachable, when I believed for myself that this was only and the only correct course of action. I could not be talked with. This was also very hard on my wife, she tried her best to reason with me and also deal with the girls, she tried to be understanding but at the same time understanding to the girls. My wife had issues with them but I tried my best to be her rock which I should have. This really created problems with my oldest Samantha, she found herself leaning more towards my wife due to my inability to be more sensitive to her. More willing to be passionate and caring, I lacked these abilities and did say many times, if this hurts you than oh well, just deal with it. I was sarcastic and emotionless.
Then about a year or so ago, I made a pact with myself that I was going to treat the youngest with more passion, this was my last chance out of 5 kids to do something a little different. Listen more and be there, needless to say this change in myself created a completely new host or slew of problems.
My uncle died and I was confronted with my mother again, that devastated me, she could care less about me or the problems my dad and her had done to me. I then tried to get back with my sister, that turned into a complete mess, I felt like there was no hope. I lost everybody which I called my original family. My immediate family stood by me, but I think it was to late, I was in a downward spiral from there. I talked to myself all the time, I paced, I thought of suicide all the time. I was receiving flashbacks of things from the past, things I didn't know and things I did. But the things I did now, were of the worst nature, it constantly reminded me of the feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness. It filled my head full of emotions which I couldn't process, couldn't file away. So my best response was to hunker up and push it back to the back of my mind. This became very dangerous for me, I felt like a ticking time bomb, anger filling me up. I needed to find a happy place something to keep me out of that state.
Here comes the youngest girl, she gave me that feeling of escaping, of having fun, she can be a blast, but again that came with a new set of problems. Because of this my wife became then a third wheel in the house, she sunk back into the shadows, she felt really left out. I couldn't see past my own inability to process anything other than surviving myself. She talked with me, she pleaded with me, she cried and begged me to come forward. She had lost the person she knew, I was someone else. I told her she was wrong, but my god, she was so right. I was this husk of a man I use to be, tearing myself from the inside out. I dearly loved my wife and she is usually always right, she had tried in all her wisdom to get me see what she saw, hoping I would come back. But instead I fell deeper into my own nothingness. I had made my youngest daughter a monster, always giving her what she wanted, buying her things hoping that it would make her happier, I needed to know I was making someone happy. When in myself, I was so unhappy, I was trying to mask one with the other.
I lied, broke trust, and made my once so loving lady a living wreck in herself. I made attempts to take my own life thinking that it would stop the pain, I would find happiness in it. I knew I was screwed up, I thought maybe I could find the strength to one day confront and eradicate it. I was so wrong, it was swallowing me whole, my wife and I were fighting over the youngest, I was allowing things without her permission, I was being a monster myself. My wife no longer could stand this and she made the right decision, she needed to control her environment, she was losing herself in this whole thing as well.
I had enrolled myself into a hospital knowing that I really didn't want to take my life but was scared of even myself. I am receiving help right now, but I can't seem to get past problems which are still plaguing me. Most of all my best friend in the world, my wife. She stood by me even in the darkest of moments, I have hurt her so much....I never wanted too, during my warped sense of reality, I have dragged her relentlessly through it. Even when she should of just walked away, she came back even stronger in caring and loving. She is my lover, my life and my willingness to move on. I wish I could have an ounce of what she has, she had hope and the ability to see the future beyond this.
I'm staying in an apartment and her at the house, we were doing great, never felt so close to her, her heart was open to me, she slept with her cellphone just in case I needed her. Then after just two therapy sessions, we was making plans for me to move back in, getting rid of the apartment. I was so happy to be a part of her life again, I got struck with the same problems I was trying to fix, my daughter started getting with me, constantly asking me to do things for her, calling me in some cases every five minutes to change her mothers mind or get her cellphone back, "well you need to talk with her everyday until I get it back." Making demands being relentless, truthfully I couldn't handle this, I tried my best to rid the conversations, but then it happened, I fell right back into my problems. I moved too quick to be there, my therapist was upset I didn't try to work on tools and get myself correct in the head, before facing that again. I once again upset my wife.
Why am I being so open here? Well the answer is, I know I have an Illness, I know I have problems....I'm not in denial, I am committed in to find the answers or how to try and be that person I want to be for both myself and my wife. I only lasted this long was because I asked for forgiveness and a chance. But when given that chance and no way to eliminate that problem with true help, I'm lying to myself and to my wife. My words mean nothing now, I've said the same thing over and over, "like a broken record" been told and yes when you don't prove yourself that is exactly what you sound like.
I need actions, I need a soul search, I need to know when I mean something it is as such a truthful answer. I need to earn trust back, my wife has been so open with me and me not with her. I'm not a bad person, I'm just a screwed up soul who at this point has made a complete mess out of what he called his own (a family).....please help!!!!
I don't know that much about my illness, just getting into it. But I need to save myself from my own demons, and save that little lady I love so much.
Thank you for listening
