Hi,
Very new to PTSD (or at least recognizing that this is what I am dealing with) and feeling incredibly overwhelmed and hopeless. Just looking to connect with some other people who understand what I am going through.
I´m in my late twenties. I was raped multiple times by two coworkers when I was 18. The first time was the most violent, and he had another one of our coworkers in the room to guard the door. He told everyone we worked with and my boss (late 50s) asked if he could get him a date with me. I was humiliated. A few days later I was kicked out of my house after a physical fight with my parents, and they took my phone, house keys, car keys, etc. Another coworker who was about 15 years older than me offered me a place to live. I went to stay there, having nowhere else to go. I was asleep on his bed and he assaulted me while I was sleeping, and I pretended to stay asleep. This continued for a week until finally my mom emailed me and said I could come home, but I ended up leaving the state and moving in with a friend. I only told my two closest friends. Nobody else knew but them, and I brushed it off and thought I had dealt with it. Since then I have told the three long term partners Ive been with, but none of them have ever brought it up with me again after I told them.
Fast forward and my partner of nearly 4 years and I have been having issues with our sex life. He keeps doing some things that I have repeatedly told him don´t feel good, and he continues to do them. Itś become a vicious cycle where he is nervous about performing, and I am dreading having sex with him because I know I will have to tell him not to do something, and get upset. I didnt realize how angry this was making me.
For the past ten years I have always been irritable. I have a short fuse, bad temper, and am constantly irritated by the smallest things. Ive recreated some of what has happened to me with past partners, telling myself that this is what I liked (in what I now realize was an attempt to gain some control over what happened). This past weekend I had a conversation with one of the friends I told about my partner and I´s sex life and I just broke down. She asked me why it made me cry so much, and it was suddenly like all of the pieces fit together. The best way I could describe it was like in a movie when you finally figure out who the killer is, and all the scenes start flashing on the screen and everything starts to make sense.
It has been a brutal week. I can´t stop crying. My partner has not been what I need at all. I broke down and had a panic attack after telling him what I thought was happening (that his behavior was triggering me and that I was 99% sure I have PTSD). He didnt apologize, didnt offer a hug, nothing. We just got up and went out to our friends house as we had planned. On the way he got annoyed at me for something stupid and screamed why the f*ck are you acting like this. I can´t deal with how little he seems to understand what I am going through right now. It doesnt help that a woman just got sexually assaulted where I walk my dog, and have always had paranoid fears about someone attacking me there. My friends have been great but I can tell already they are growing tired of it. I am getting angry with them for stupid things, like not asking what I am up to tonight to make sure I get out of bed. I just dont know what to do. I am terrified I will feel this way forever and I am shocked at the power this has over me right now. I think not dealing with it for ten years really messed me up. I found a therapist who has experience with trauma and saw her for the first time last week. I feel completely alone in this. Any words of encouragement, or anything really, would help right now.
Very new to PTSD (or at least recognizing that this is what I am dealing with) and feeling incredibly overwhelmed and hopeless. Just looking to connect with some other people who understand what I am going through.
I´m in my late twenties. I was raped multiple times by two coworkers when I was 18. The first time was the most violent, and he had another one of our coworkers in the room to guard the door. He told everyone we worked with and my boss (late 50s) asked if he could get him a date with me. I was humiliated. A few days later I was kicked out of my house after a physical fight with my parents, and they took my phone, house keys, car keys, etc. Another coworker who was about 15 years older than me offered me a place to live. I went to stay there, having nowhere else to go. I was asleep on his bed and he assaulted me while I was sleeping, and I pretended to stay asleep. This continued for a week until finally my mom emailed me and said I could come home, but I ended up leaving the state and moving in with a friend. I only told my two closest friends. Nobody else knew but them, and I brushed it off and thought I had dealt with it. Since then I have told the three long term partners Ive been with, but none of them have ever brought it up with me again after I told them.
Fast forward and my partner of nearly 4 years and I have been having issues with our sex life. He keeps doing some things that I have repeatedly told him don´t feel good, and he continues to do them. Itś become a vicious cycle where he is nervous about performing, and I am dreading having sex with him because I know I will have to tell him not to do something, and get upset. I didnt realize how angry this was making me.
For the past ten years I have always been irritable. I have a short fuse, bad temper, and am constantly irritated by the smallest things. Ive recreated some of what has happened to me with past partners, telling myself that this is what I liked (in what I now realize was an attempt to gain some control over what happened). This past weekend I had a conversation with one of the friends I told about my partner and I´s sex life and I just broke down. She asked me why it made me cry so much, and it was suddenly like all of the pieces fit together. The best way I could describe it was like in a movie when you finally figure out who the killer is, and all the scenes start flashing on the screen and everything starts to make sense.
It has been a brutal week. I can´t stop crying. My partner has not been what I need at all. I broke down and had a panic attack after telling him what I thought was happening (that his behavior was triggering me and that I was 99% sure I have PTSD). He didnt apologize, didnt offer a hug, nothing. We just got up and went out to our friends house as we had planned. On the way he got annoyed at me for something stupid and screamed why the f*ck are you acting like this. I can´t deal with how little he seems to understand what I am going through right now. It doesnt help that a woman just got sexually assaulted where I walk my dog, and have always had paranoid fears about someone attacking me there. My friends have been great but I can tell already they are growing tired of it. I am getting angry with them for stupid things, like not asking what I am up to tonight to make sure I get out of bed. I just dont know what to do. I am terrified I will feel this way forever and I am shocked at the power this has over me right now. I think not dealing with it for ten years really messed me up. I found a therapist who has experience with trauma and saw her for the first time last week. I feel completely alone in this. Any words of encouragement, or anything really, would help right now.
