Relationship Help.. Can I Ask Him, Or Will It Send Him Further Into Isolation

[Adm]

Good morning guys,
So my sufferer has been particularly moody and isolated himself recently. More and more frequently for prolonged periods..

I'm wondering if I ask him, all the questions I need answers for will I drive him further away.
Because he's been so cold recently (and only with me, with friends or famiky he's a different person laughing and joking)

I need to know Is this what he wants, does he want me because I have never found someone I love so much, make it hard to love them.
I have invested so much of myself into this relationship I need to know are we on the same page or am I wasting my time.

I'm at the end of my tether I do everything, finances, household chores, meals, organise everytging, I waken him and motivate him to actually get up and we exercise, all laundry and ironing, everything involving our pets, groceries . You name it, I have it covered.. And these last few weeks, ive been lucky to get a grunt. I feel like I'm a doormat yet rationally thinking, he's not treating me like that because he wants to, it's obviously the PTSD.

My question is... Can I ask him the things I need answers for.. Like if he's happy or wants us to work, is he actually unhappy with me or is it his PTSD,.. Or if I ask will he get worse??
I'm loosing sight of myself and i find it so hard to remain my positive self when someone I love so much is giving me so many mixed signals.

I mean he tells me "i love you" yet his actions scream "leave me alone".. How do I continue to keep bouncing back... I'm tired fighting the moods and the silence at home is unbearable. Eventually I'd love to start a family.. But how can I consider that with him if it seems like a chore for him to even be with me???

Where am I going wrong????

Thanks

 

[Casey_03]

I feel like I'm a doormat yet rationally thinking, he's not treating me like that because he wants to, it's obviously the PTSD.

That's not necessarily true. PTSD causes symptoms, but that doesn't give him the right to treat you like crap. There are plenty of healthy PTSD relationships where the sufferer is able to communicate properly with his partner and NOT treat him/her like crap.

Can I ask him the things I need answers for.. Like if he's happy or wants us to work, is he actually unhappy with me or is it his PTSD,.. Or if I ask will he get worse??

You can ask him these things, but I think serious topics like this will make him worse. When a sufferer is isolating, that's usually the last sort of question he or she will want to deal with, and hearing it might make him run for the hills. I know that's probably not what you want to hear, but that's the reality of it.

 

[Friday]

I treat PTSD like the stomach flu. If the bloke I'm dating is puking his guts out and groaning nonsense into the toilet for the third day running? I'm not going to choose that moment to have a "we need to talk" talk. I'm going to wait until he's doing better. Unless I want to pick a fight with someone sick, tired, cranky, & irrational.

 

[glass half full]

Good morning guys,
So my sufferer has been particularly moody and isolated himself recently. More and more frequently for...

At the top of the Supporter Relationships section is a sticky thread from Anthony with a link to a series of short and very informative videos about being a supporter. They are to the point and humorous. I would strongly recommend that you take a look at these, soon.

I agree with the responses above- when he's isolating is not the time to have that talk with him. I love the analogy to a PTSD exacerbation as being like stomach flu- if anyone wants to try to have a serious conversation with me while my head's in the toilet, I'm likely to tell them to f#@k off and I don't have PTSD. You may also be dealing with a dynamic in which you are smothering him a bit. We women have too often been raised to think that we show our devotion to our loved ones by doing everything possible for them. Um, that doesn't work very well- doing that often results in our being taken for granted. He can and should do things himself.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I wouldn't ask him about your relationship while he's struggling unless you want to send him over the edge. There's a time and place for it, and when he's symptomatic is not it.

Honestly, relaxing goes a long way. You know logically it's not you. He tells you he loves you. He is still there... that's pretty good for a stressed out symptomatic sufferer. Is it worth stressing him out to get that affirmation at this point in time?

 

[Ronin]

Can I ask him the things I need answers for.

You have those answers, though.
& Sounds you more want them, than need. Verbalizing isn't everything. Do your own looking: What in what he does already is giving you answers? Try to look at things with the information he gave you, in mind. He loves you. So what /else/ in his behavior says the same (pushing you away is his PTSD, not him.)

 

[glass half full]

You have those answers, though.
& Sounds you more want them, than need. Verbalizing isn't everything. Do y...

Cashew- this is such great advice. I know from experience that's its hard to put into practice, but very empowering and strengthening when I did.

My BF has been isolating for several weeks now. He's overseas and his employment contract will end shortly. That's only one of the stressors he's got on his plate right now. I was a mess when I first found this site- and through reading, both here and recommended books, my outlook has changed significantly.

I have done what you suggest above- and have made lists for myself of what things in my relationship are indications that he may be isolating, but he's very likely not ending our relationship. Referring to that list daily, or more often on the harder days has been a sanity saver. I've drawn strength from reading that list, journaling at times and from reading what truly generous people here have shared. It took me a few days to feel stronger and more confident about the situation, but its made all the difference.