Help Determine If Relationship With Ptsd Female Is Worth Pursuing And How?

[Thizette]

Yes I suppose so. But how do I know if she will ever come around? How can I gauge the severity of her i...

That's my point. You can't know.

 

[EveHarrington]

Yes I suppose so. But how do I know if she will ever come around? How can I gauge the severity of her i...

These are questions that nobody can answer.

Even if she says and 1000% believes that she's ready for a relationship, she may not be. (This seems to happen a lot with PTSD sufferers it seems.)

 

[EveHarrington]

Can I ask how fast you're moving?

How often are you asking her out?

Some people naturally move at a slower pace, PTSD aside.

I know it's a pretty radical concept, I mean not being in techie contact 24/7 and seeing the person all the time-----but like I said, some people just move at a slower pace and don't want that constant contact. (I run up against this a lot! It's amazing how fast people get nasty with me if I don't respond immediately-----i.e. the next day!)

 

[Area57]

I never initiate contact. I always wait for her to contact me and then respond with something really light hearted. She does text me every day though she seems to prefer texts. She probably texts me 2-10 times a day and each time I respond.

I met her 3 months ago and have seen her outside of church only 3-4 times. She only started seeing me when I wrecked my motorcycle and became somewhat "helpless". First she visited me in the hospital and then a couple times since I got out. I think she feels more comfortable that I can't do much. I don't mean that in a mean way but like, you know. I'm pretty hurt. Maybe she feels safer.

It just sucks because she says she isn't happy. She said happiness is not something she tries for anymore. Or happiness is for other people. But every time I have seen her she talks a million miles an hour for hours strait and smiles and seems to forget about everything else. She seems happy. I even say "have you ever regretted seeing me or have you ever not had fun and she laughs about that. But it's hard to get her to.

Is there any way I can gently get her to come out of her she'll a bit and come out this weekend? I know if I could she would not regret it but she usually seems to hole up at home.

 

[EveHarrington]

Its good that you're letting her take the lead and not pressuring her.

Some activities are more stressful than others. Activity with a lot of people around------probably bad. Low key, no pressure, laid back activity------probably a lot better.

Can I ask you what sort of things you've been asking her to do?

 

[scout86]

how do I know if she will ever come around? How can I gauge the severity of her illness

Have you ever asked her that? Like has been said, some things are hard to know the answer to. But that doesn't mean it's not worth talking about it. Sometimes the best way to get information is simply to ask questions and see what happens.

 

[Area57]

I guess I could ask. I just think her PTSD is a sensitive subject so I let her tell me what she wants to.

What have I asked her to do. Hmm. Simple stuff. Eat. Just hang out anywhere really. Drive to the coast because she said the ocean makes her feel better. Nothing major. She is just so closed off. It's hard to understand because I think it would be better to go do something, even little things. I've seen the change in her when she does and it is very positive.

 

[scout86]

I just think her PTSD is a sensitive subject so I let her tell me what she wants to.

She can always refuse to answer.

If you're going to be in a serious relationship, you kind of need to be able to talk about sensitive stuff, don't you? For a lot of people with PTSD, trusting people is hard and takes time. That means talking about stuff is hard and takes time too. But, if she's not at a point where she can at least talk to you about not being able to talk about some things, or to give you some clues as to what's going on with her, chances are she's not ready for a relationship. A significant other type of relationship anyway.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

OMFG...have I been on some rides. :confused: I have spit blood for these types of women in the past, and it was all for nothing, it seems. Just an bottomless black hole that you keep pouring yourself into. I am an empathetic person, so I tend to suffer their life stresses when they do. AND SUFFER I HAVE. You cannot fix them, or keep them from self-destructive behaviors. They will even purposely (or sometimes subconsciously) sabotage your relationship, because pain, abuse, and dysfunction are all that they know, so they will crawl back the familiarity of that lifestyle. I still love my latest ex gf with all of my heart, but she ripped a hole in my soul that might not ever be repaired. Another ex, with similar mental issues, wanted to come visit my family here where I live for a couple weeks. I, personally, haven't talked to her in a couple years, she contacted my mother through Facebook (a website that has caused me endless misery in the past), and my mother didn't know what to tell her. I said no. I cannot allow someone who has betrayed me back into my life. That is just asking for trouble. So..I say NO, don't pursue it. If she wants to repair a relationship with you, she must come to you, apologetically, on her own accord, and try to regain your trust. If she doesn't do that, let her go. As painful as that can be to do, it is ultimately her loss, not yours.

 

[Area57]

I think I agree with the last post. I have compassion, I really do, but I would not have asked on this website if I hadn't been stood up tons of times already.

From her telling me she was going to visit me in the hospital today, and today becomes tomorrow and tomorrow the next day. ....while you sit in the hospital sick and hurt. To littler things like yesterday where I told her in the morning what a bad day I was having because I had to go back to the hospital for tests that were scary and she said she couldn't talk then but she would call at four and then not calling but texting at seven at night to briefly ask how I was doing.

Lastly she repeatedly said she would come help me get my apartment ready so I could be released to go home and just like the hospital visit it got out off and put off.

Even from the attitudes of people on here it doesn't sound like it could ever be anything close to a two sided relationship. Honestly and not to be rude but the attitude I'm getting is entitled. Like somehow since she has PTSD the normal rules of society don't even begin to apply and there is an excuse for every kind of behavior. That it is ok to stand people up and make them feel bad. Like PTSD is a card that gets you out of beings decent person to others.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh. I have panic attacks and OCD and general anxiety but if she called me and asked for help I would hesitate to do it. Even if I was having a really bad day. I still would. Especially if I said I would. I would show up.

 

[Tinyflame]

Even from the attitudes of people on here it doesn't sound like it could ever be anything close to a two sided relationship. Honestly and not to be rude but the attitude I'm getting is entitled. Like somehow since she has PTSD the normal rules of society don't even begin to apply and there is an excuse for every kind of behavior. That it is ok to stand people up and make them feel bad. Like PTSD is a card that gets you out of beings decent person to others.

It's important not to assign mening when you don't know, but I understand, & normal to do so. It might be the case.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh. I have panic attacks and OCD and general anxiety but if she called me and asked for help I would hesitate to do it. Even if I was having a really bad day. I still would. Especially if I said I would. I would show up.

It sounds like reliability is a very important quality to you. And consistency or reliability reduces anxiety (for me). So I understand that part. It doesn't sound like the best match necessarily. I think with relationships of any kind some 'fit' better than others, even without these things.

Hope you feel better.

 

[EveHarrington]

I request that you please do not villainize her.

PTSD may make it ------seem------ like we are entitled, but I assure you that in many cases this is not true. (I have no idea if this is true for her though---)

Are you familiar with the stress cup analogy? It may explain some of her flakiness.

But--------it is disheartening that she is committing herself and then leaving you hanging. Not cool------ At the very least she needs to cancel and not leave you hanging.

PTSD anxiety is not like other types of anxiety-------I know. I've been on both sides of that fence. I request that you please not compare your anxiety to hers as you don't know what PTSD anxiety is like. Not all anxiety is created equal, and it's not all on a singular linear severity spectrum.

I think it's best for you to walk away from this one. If you truly desire to understand PTSD you'll read a LOT here on the forum and elsewhere online as well as get your hands on PTSD books. One thread on the subject doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of understanding PTSD. That is, this thread is woefully inadequate in understanding PTSD. (By design, it can't be any other way as PTSD is incredibly complex.)