Help! Got Too Messy

[Deleted member 28403]

Eh, I'm not how to start wuth this one. I was quite sick, am still quite sick... I became a hellish mess in the meantime.

Right now I'm at about 1/3 strength to before th sickness, and self harm increased a lot, my face turning into a big field of wounds. Quite well populated. I feel like crap all the time, 100% of the time. It's awful. Haven't been like this fir a bit, almost forgot. Now feeling completely lost and dead, fully fatigued and weak. I dropped 5kg in just 3 days if sickness... Lost mostly muscle. Really depressed and feeling hopeless.

I got no idea what to do, I was working, prepairing for competitions, overworking a lot, and then suddenly everything fell out of tracks, flu or something. Temperatures getting to nearly 40°C, everything like that fir a few days. Completely destroyed me. Then headache, stomach ache, fatigue. Everything just crashed upon me, along with depression. Now I'm kinda recovering, but feeling awful. So awful.

I can't stop feeling fat, ugly, weak. And at the wirst time, just a few days before competitions... Headache non-stop. Often stomach ache, need to puke, fatigue. I hate sickness. Feeling like a failure. I am constantly feeling like I somehow just got to being 1st on city level if competitions and that I will completely fail :( I don't know what to do.

I can't look at myself, turned awful
(.:p) This damn smiley won't go away, ARGH
I need anything.

I need any feedback, any support, anything, I just want to stop feeling like this :( Everything simply crashed around me, again. I have no idea what to do and fears are my only company. I'm lost.

 

[Changing4Best]

Hi, I'm so sorry this is happening to you, what an awful situation! Do you lose a lot of blood when you self harm? If so, please be sure to drink a lot of fluids. Try to take care of yourself and be good to yourself. What do you do to be good to yourself? Can you make a list and keep it in your pocket, to remind you to do so?

 

[Deleted member 28403]

@SheilaKathy

The thing is I don't do anything good for myself, I just work, and work and work and then don't know what to do. I am lost in this constant feeling of failure and awful, jucky dullness...

 

[Changing4Best]

One thing I do know is that to break a bad habit, you need to replace it with a good habit. Can you wash your skin instead of self harm? Try to think of other good habits you could replace your bad habits with.

Please let me know how it goes.

 

[illusionist]

You have been doing too much. My body used to crash, couldn't even move my legs to get up....felt like flu for sure. You've got to rest, you're body is telling you that. Then when you recover work on ways to pace things, and start tuning into what your body is telling you when it is overworked. Sorry, I know nothing on self harming. Hope you feel better soon.

 

[sun seeker]

(((@otakujome)))

What you describe is seeing your life very much in black and white. You feel bad, so you believe you are bad. You might not win a competition, so you think you are a complete failure. (Being a complete failure is harder than it sounds. I've never met one myself.) You've been sick for a while, and you are afraid you will always be sick.

Okay, here's what you do. It's what your parents should have done for you, but they didn't, so now it's up to you.

What you need to do is get out of the black-and-white into the shades of grey. You've been sick, but most likely you will get better. You very well might not win the next competition, but you will likely win another one later, and even if not, you are still a worthwhile person. A setback is not the end, it's just a pause. Patience. One step at a time.

You don't have to be perfect to be a good person. You don't have to achieve all the time to deserve to be happy. You are good enough right now, just as you are. It's horrible that the people who are supposed to be telling you that don't do it, but you can begin to.

And for the flu, rest, rest and more rest. Lots of water. Hot soup if you can get it.

You've been given advice on the self harm, and I don't have more to add.

You are important and wanted here.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

@SheilaKathy

I will try some distractions, but it takes quite a lot not to self harm, when I cut my nails it just got worse, as I spent more time digging around. When I tried to hold back on will power alone, I didn't manage too long before I started seriously shaking and so on. If I touch my face to wash it, there is a high chance I will just rip something off, out of habit. I will try to see what I can replace it with, but had no luck so far...

@richter scale

I know I'm overworking, but I have no chance to stop. Although doctor gave allowance for sickness of a week, I had to go back to working about a day after seeing the doctor. I'm taking 'all the pills' just to keep going, got prescribed some pain killers, some standard pills for controlling symptoms and so on. Awful when pain killers stop working.

I don't quite have the option to stop. If I stop I feel even more like a failure.

@sun seeker

Well, I sure am messed up. Through my eyes, everyone is better than me. Absolutely everyone. I can't be optimistic, I can't feel good about myself :( I had 2-3 days of rest in total when the temperature WAS 39.6-39.8°C after that I had to work again. They just yell at me if I don't feel good, and blame me for all happening in the house. Older younger brother is stubborn, they yell at me and blame me for that, younger younger brother keeps intentionally hitting his head on things, they yell at me about that. They just blame about something, and if I point out to them that they don't solve it themselves, though they should, they yell st me about events when I'm sick or anything where I took away their time, I'm lost... Torn in between anxiety and depression.

Well, at least I'm wanted and welcome somewhere. Thank you.

 

[sun seeker]

Through my eyes, everyone is better than me. Absolutely everyone. I can't be optimistic, I can't feel good about myself

Yes, I get that. No one is asking you to be optimistic. But could you ease up on yourself just a TINY bit? One baby step at a time? This would be easier if I had you in front of me and could make gestures to illustrate what I mean, but imagine there is a line marked from 0 to 100 that measures how you feel about yourself, from worst to best. Right now you're at about a 5. I know it feels like 0, but it could still be worse. Okay. Getting yourself from there to 100 isn't possible. But could you do something that would get you maybe to a 7? One tiny thing. I know you are being yelled at and blamed by everyone around you. You don't have control over that. But you do have at least some control over yourself. Don't tell yourself you're the best person in the world and everything is great, because there's no way you are going to believe that. But could you tell yourself "Just maybe I'm not QUITE as awful as everyone is saying. Maybe there is just one small thing that's okay about me." Try it, you won't know until you do.

 

[Eleanor]

Two minutes of distraction. Just two minutes will help. If the thinking comes back, do another two minutes.

I just saw this: On the off chance it helps switch something in your view Here is a TED talk
http://www.ted.com/talks/guy_winch_the_case_for_emotional_hygiene

If your family were DIRTY, if their physical hygiene was off the scales bad, would you feel badly about yourself for not knowing how to keep your room/space/person clean? Or might you be a bit patient with yourself as you are having to learn the things other people's parents teach them without even thinking about it? I think I know you well enough to say that you would say the latter - at least you would for anyone else. And so you should for you too. And emotional hygiene is the same thing. Your family (if I may say so) is... horrible at this. So you need to learn a better way to care for yourself.

Of course, you need to be able to see your way clear to care for yourself emotionally - that is the big stumbling block. But maybe if you could see everyone around you's attacks as like... germs or dirt or shit or something (and that is what it all is, just word vomit) maybe it would just feel like something you needed to wash off, not something that MAKES you something you are not. YOU are a good and compassionate person. Talented and hardworking too. And any number of other things.

The stuff he says about rumination... and the dangers of it... I think that might be really a way out for you.

You are DEFINITELY wanted and MOST welcome here. You are super guy, keep yourself together long enough to get yourself the hell out of that hole of a house. They are LYING to you about you. Word vomit @otakujome that is all it is. Word Vomit.

Can you watch TED talks? Or crochet? or play video games or something. Something that takes your focus off picking (emotionally and physically) at yourself? Give yourself a little breathing room and then try to do something positive. SING. Anything. ANYTHING other than pick at yourself physically and emotionally.

You will need to do that shaking eventually - and if you can find a safe space to do it, I'd say do as much as you can and stay kind of present. That is your nervous system getting rid of the negative energy....

 

[Ronin]

@otakujome , it's impossible everyone's better than you at /everything/ though, soo, what are you good at?~ There's got to be something, however small. Just to find it. That spot of sun is there, you've just got a forest of self doubts hiding it.

Could you turn your self harm onto something else, instead of turning it against yourself/parts of you? Not even distracting yourself from doing anything at all, but finding different outlet that isn't you for it?

The blame your parents place on you is raindrops. Let it fall down and not touch you. It's annoying, it's depressing, it's angering... but it's water, it's something that can come around you and doesn't have to destroy your day.