Help . . . How Am I Going To Get Through The Holidays?

[Deleted member 6617]

I spent today cutting and hauling boughs to make Christmas wreaths. Kinda put the holidays right in my face. Had a lot of time by myself to do a lot of thinking. I am freaking out now. Thanksgiving is next week. Christmas is just around the corner. For the first time in 26 years I will be spending the holidays as a single woman. For the first time in 19 years I will be spending the holidays without my children. They will be with their dad.

Thanksgiving is first. I had been invited to spend it with a friend and her family. Some things have happened since then, so I can only assume I am no longer invited. Of course I am too chicken to ask. My ex had the nerve to invite me to go up to his families with him and our girls. UHHHH...... No way! In the past we have had thanksgiving at our house with my sisters from my real mom. They have no family other than me and we always had them down. Neither of them even want to have thanksgiving this year. God...what am I going to do. I have family...mom, dad, brothers, sisters that all get together and I will probably go there. It isn't fun. It is stressful and sends me into an anxiety attack. I don't know....God this sucks. Maybe I will just tell everyone I am going someplace else and I will stay home and hide out....ummm....I mean relax.

Christmas.....oh boy...maybe I won't even think about that yet.

How am I going to get through this season? I am so scared, so lonely, so lost. Now I don't even have my best friend to confide in. Oh this is just not good. Got to find a way to cope.

 

[Nighthawk]

PH,
Thanksgiving I do tell everyone that I am somewere else and I stay home and hide. I have done this for the last 5 years. Im not sure about your friend if you were uninvited wouldn't they let you know and how rude would that be. Or should I say I would be sure they were an ex friend in my books if they did such a thing. If you have somewere that is safe and peaceful for you to go that would be the place I would pick. I love this season of the year but I hate this time of the year. I am very alone and I know it.

Good luck I wish I could help, and I do understand

nh

 

[Deleted member 6617]

Thanks NH,

I don't trust myself to be alone on that day. Still very fragile from my suicide attempt. Don't trust myself not to slip into that dark place again if alone. How do you do it alone? I am just not a loner. I am a people person....well, I used to be. God, I don't even know what the hell I am any more. GRRRRrrrrr....

 

[Jawn]

PH would your sisters meet you some place like Denny's for Thanksgiving? There is no big deal at someone's house and it would get everyone out for a while to visit and eat a meal that you don't need to fix. Maybe go see a movie after that?

Hang in there,

Jawn

 

[Nighthawk]

Being alone is awful at times. But being in a room with people who trigger me is way worse. I choose alone verses anger, frustration , and or humiliation. I can only imagine how tough this is going to be for you. There was a ritual that you were used to that has been broken and severed and the pain of that is hard enough. Alone on top of that must be a terrible thought, I do hope I am not coming through as insensetive in anyway. I wish I had the answer or maybe a solution. I for one will more than likely rent a movie and hide in my bed with the candels going and the dogs in the bed,

 

[Deleted member 6617]

Jawn...great minds think alike. I suggested to my sisters that we go out. They just don't want to have anything to do with it. I think they are pissed at me for leaving my ex. They liked him a lot. He did the cooking most the time. I can and do a good job, but I don't enjoy it. He enjoyed it and spoiled them. Times have changed and not everyone is happy with me.

Nighthawk, I'm thinking movie, candles, dog and cat in bed with me is sounding pretty damn good! IDK.... this is really hard. Worse thing is....if I feel this way now, how am I going to get through the actual day. Oh God.....panic...

 

[PTSDT]

I had a falling out with my family before last Thanksgiving. So last year, I made myself my own dinner. I stayed in my robe all day and cooked and watched movies and rested.

I feel sad about my family. But they have not been supportive. I was the caretaker before I got so sick and they are angry they have to solve their own problems. I also spoke out about a brother in law who abused his own children and was starting in on new little ones who are not even blood relatives to him.

Anyway, it was really pretty awesome when I looked at it from the standpoint that it was time to pamper myself. . I only had to do what I wanted to do. I am a natural loner so I'm sure that helps. But I had never made dressing before and I enjoyed doing it all for myself. And I really enjoyed watching movies all day.

This year, I already have some leftover turkey in the freezer, and will be making a little dressing for myself again. I can't wait to see what movies I enjoy. No pretending my brother in law is normal. No hours of work.

And when it comes right down to it, it's just a date on the calendar. It's just a Thursday and 24 hours later, it will just be a Friday.

 

[anni]

It is different for you as a 'people person', I know. I'm lucky to have the family I do, but have to say it takes an awful lot to ramp up to the dynamics which go to work when everyone is together, and ramp down from the stimulation. I'm indulging in unhealthy amounts of isolation at the moment and liking it, so find myself wishing I were more like you-pushing to get out there, you know?

I know you said it wasn't possible to get together at a restaraunt, but is there any way to put something small together for yourself where you are, and possibly even invite someone ywho might not quite be a close friend but whom you know is also having a not-great-time? Maybe this isn't attractive, either, and depends on if you're feeling fragile or not, but have you thought of perhaps asking if one of the agencies which provide meals to the homeless could use help that day? Since you've had SUCH a shattering time of it lately, perhaps that idea is a little too close to home, I know. You do have a big soft side, however, so if you'd be up to it, you'd have turkey and certainly would not be alone! :)

I know there was a 'party' here last Christmas, but don't remember if we Yanks had anything going for Thanksgiving or not. Maybe the Brits would even join in, on the grounds that they DID manage to rid themselves of some very poorly dressed individuals in the form of our Pilgrims way-back-when. Must be worth some kind of celebration over there?

Wishing everyone a just plain nice Thanksgiving- whatever transpires.

Anni

 

[Deleted member 6617]

Thanks Anni, isolation is my first name these days. I am a people person when I am not "this me". God makes me sound like a split personality.

Actually talked to my T today about doing something like serving meals or working in a homeless shelter for the day. She said absolutely not. Have to agree with her on that...I am way too fragile right now. She also said it would be a really bad idea for me to stay home alone. Ahhh....maybe she is getting to know me better than I think. She doesn't want me with strangers I am too fragile for that, doesn't want me alone I am too fragile for that, she wants me with people I know and who care, for at least half the day. I see her again on Wednesday. She wants me to have a plan written out and give it to her on how I will spend Thanksgiving day. Feels degrading, though I suppose it is wise. Damn...I'm going back to bed and hide under my covers. Too much thinking.

Keep telling myself this is the first year of this....it will be easier next time. Just got to get through this time.

 

[seedling]

Ahh, therapy homework! Yeah, feels crummy sometimes, but it does get us to spend the time and think. And it is really for us.
Ok, how do you breathe under the covers? That seems to be the hardest part for me.

Next year will be different and you may have hooked up with more "community" as well, by then.
Would be great if you knew some other single or alone people and cooked together with them or went out.

I spent a Christmas alone once (without PTSD) and never wish to do it again. The holidays mean a lot to me, so it wasn't a good idea.

 

[Tiger Kitten]

I am trying to figure out what to do about the holidays too. I spend them alone most of the time. I don't have any plan or anything for this year. It's difficult being alone on holidays when you are a loner that hates to be alone. (That's how I describe my split personality sounding statement i.e. being a people person that can't handle being around people.)

I just keep telling myself it's just another day. I leave the TV off and try to avoid the news and everything else that reminds me of what day it is. I usually try to stay in bed really late, and go to bed really early to shorten the day as much as possible.

Tiger

 

[anni]

It's got to be different this year for you. Something- I don't know what, but Tiger and PH- you have to have a holiday, if not all that traditional. "A loner who hates being alone". Boy is that something only another PTSD wired head could understand!

When I say 'have to have a holiday', I mean there's got to be a way of not having this day- these days- be some highlighting of your pain, you know? No, I do not at the moment at all know what 'it' would be, but just.. something. brainstorming is required, and think Dr. Murphy's and Connor need to weigh in here, since turkey is at stake.

Not making light of this- just feel the need to try to find some way for you to reclaim a part of normal life so many of us take for granted. "Over the river and through the woods to Grandmother's house we go..". This whole holiday season is so pervasive- you can't blink without being bombarded with Good Cheer. Wish Good Cheer for you, that's all, and you're also deserving of a place in the whole 'Good will to all men' thing, too.

And Peace. So Peace.

Anni