General Help - How To Deal With Parent That Has Ptsd?

[Corene]

My father served in the Vietnam War and has been diagnosed with PTSD (probably within the last 5 years). My Dad also abuses alcohol and marijuana, and is on anxiety medication (not sure which one).

My question may seem broad but I really need help in how to deal with my Dad in certain situations. He and my mom divorced over 30 years ago. This past Mother's Day my sister and I planned a picnic with our husbands and kids. My Dad called and invited himself to church and the picnic. I couldn't say no, since I didn't want to offend him.

Before and after church he was his normal self and then as we set up the picnic he sat away from us and began reading a book. We tried to engage him but he only gave us one word answers. He then abruptly got up and said he had to leave. It felt like the twilight zone!

He has done things like this my whole life. I never know what I'm going to to get with him. I don't know how to react anymore. He can be explosive and argumentative so a lot of the times I don't say much if I think that may happen.

I texted him to say it was too bad he had to leave and he texted "was nice" about the visit. I hardly believe that is what he really thought.

Please help me to understand this behavior and what can I do in the future?

 

[Jen93]

First of all- Welcome to the forum! Sounds like he needs help.

He could be dissociating which is why he closed off- when that happens, PTSD sufferers are often quick to get angry or want some private space- he might not have known where he was; explaining the odd reaction he had- maybe he didn't remember inviting himself over. If this happens, tell him where he is, tell him everything's okay and that you still care about him.

Is he in therapy? It sounds like he needs a therapist and/or a psychiatrist to help. The marijuana could also have a bad effect on dissociation/flashbacks, making them worse. He may be using them as a coping mechanism, but he needs to stop using it if he wants to get better.

 

[Corene]

Thank you for your reply.

He definitely knew where he was, as he stated he had to get back and get some things done at home.

I totally agree that the marijuana (and the alcohol) don't mix with his meds. In fact he even told me that his doctor told him he's not supposed to drink.

He wasn't under the influence at the time but I wonder if the effects stay in your system longer than we think.

We were all very nice to him and said "okay, thanks for coming", etc.

 

[Muzikluvr]

Welcome to the forum Corene. I'm glad you reached out to learn more about PTSD. There are a lot of wonderful carers here.

I don't know your dad, but I think I can explain what I am like and maybe you can see his responses with less hurt feelings.

I want to be included in family gatherings. Once I get there though, I am triggered by the interactions of everyone around me, not just those talking to me, but also those talking to each other nearby. I'm hyperaware of everyone. I know where all the exits are, I picture the room being stormed by terrorists, I picture people attacking me personally and how I would defend myself. I can't help it. I can't stop the images. I work really hard at dismissing them instead of fueling them now.

The whole time I'm interacting with others, half my mind is preoccupied with sorting out what I'm feeling, whether it's an emotional flashback or if it's really pertinent to what's happening now; and the other half is focused on responding to people the way they expect to see me respond so they won't know what I'm really thinking about and feeling. So, it's really nice when they just let me sit near them and don't force me to engage with them. I want to be there. I love them. But, interacting with them adds a great deal of pressure to me. If I'm sitting on the sidelines reading a book, or even just pretending to read a book, then I get the ability to experience the family interactions while dealing with my triggered memories, without having to put on a show for the people.

It's not just about horrific things that happened, or imagined horrors that could happen, but it's also about loss. I lost so much, it's really painful to be reminded of what I lost. Sometimes, I didn't even know what I could have had, socially, until I see it in action and think how I wish I'd had that. Then I move onto, how can I create that?, and all this frustration comes up... I don't know! how I can create that. I would need to stop having all these intrusive thoughts first.

Whatever it is that is on your dad's mind... if you care to have him around, it sounds like you got the best of him at that church and picnic combined. He did his best and like me, after a couple of hours I'm spent. I can't split focus anymore. Something has to go and when I'm tired PTSD isn't something I can banish anymore. So, interacting with people is what gets dropped off.

Absolutely don't tolerate abuse from your dad if he's on some kind of rampage, despite whatever valid reasons he has, internally, for being so angry and violent... but, when he is controlling it himself so you can have a lovely day together, and so everyone can have a happy memory... it would be nice if that was understood and appreciated.

I hope you find a way to bridge this gap between you and your dad. If it were me, I'd appreciate quiet acceptance of my oddities. Nothing says "I love you" better than "I accept you" and "You're welcome here".

I hope knowing what PTSD is like for me in social situations will help you understand your dad better. PTSD is different for everyone because what triggers one person doesn't trigger another, but it seems universally to take over one's thoughts and make being present very difficult.

 

[Eleanor]

Hi Corene,

What you describe seems pretty "normal":eek: to me. Every thing is ok ok ok, and then it is not. From my perspective, if your dad got triggered and then "checked out" the thing to notice is that he STAYED - he wanted to be there with you guys so badly. When he needed to leave he did. That is an important coping strategy.

I hope you will read all of the info on PTSD here. Especially Anthony's stress cup explanation (on the home page). In particular, it is worth remembering that good stress still counts - so the better a time your Dad was having, very likely the sooner he would "fill up" and not be able to engage anymore. :( It is really really really helpful to understand what is going on - and the fact is that people DIDN"T until quite recently.

You might also find there are things you can do to take some of the pressure off of him, and demonstrate your acceptance as Muzikluvr said. Once you have learned about this - you might want to share some information with your dad (or better yet - find another sufferer who is in the same position - many years later - who has gotten treatment and "gotten his life back".)

Wishing you and your family peace and healing...

 

[maddog]

I just had to say that I think that Muzikluvr's post above is one of the most honest, frank and beautifully written accounts of the stark realities of PTSD that I have seen in a long while. If I could "like" it a hundred times, I would. Sometimes the simplest explanations are the most meaningful, and this one really touched me. Thanks Muzikluvr!!

Maddog

 

[Brinsanity]

Muzikluvr had amazing things to say. I find that the way this was explained, is the perfect explanation I can give to my family. It is so hard to be around them, I want to be, I feel like I need to be- but then it gets so overwhelming. Sometimes I shut down, sometimes I separate myself from the action, sometimes I get really aggravated and angry for no reason.

Sometimes something will be said that hurts my feelings, and I'll stay quiet and non reactive until something completely unrelated happens and my "cup" overflows- then I get so angry I can hardly control myself. And when people follow me, or pester me when I tell them to leave me alone, I really can't control the things I say. I have hurt a lot of people that way.

It is really hard from our perspective too. But it sounds like your dad, although frustrating and complicated, really loves his family and is trying. Just being there was probably a huge step for him. Good luck with your dad! I hope you guys come to find a way to love each other and be accepting of all of the oddities of the other.