Help! I Need Advice!

[Str3ngth]

I recently wrote my story, for the first time ever. Writing it was horrid and part of me wishes I hadn't put myself through it; however, part of me thinks it was something I needed to do.

It's been over 4 years since the...well you know.. and no one except me knows the story, aside from those of you who have read it on this website.

My family only knows that it happened. They don't know details or anything more then the act that was done. They don't even understand the damage it left.

My dilemma is, do I show them? Only my immediate family knows (to my knowledge, Parents, Sisters and Brother-In-Law). Not even my T knows the whole story. I have the ability to show them, to print it out and let them read. Let them into my deepest dark secret of my past.

But if i do that, and the outcome is not preferable, there is no possible way to 'undo' it.

How do I know what to do? Do I show them? Do I keep the dark details forever hidden in my heart? Do I risk whatever they might throw my way? Telling them the action was hard enough. One of my parents stopped talking to me. Never mentioned again. The other was in disbelief saying 'what happened? I though I raised you better then that' (remember, I was the one that was attacked..).So won't this just be worse? Or will it make them finally understand the horror i've lived through, the struggles of everyday life. The constant fear I live in.

What do I do?

 

[intothelight]

Hi Str3nth,

I would definitely start with your T. Your T needs to know the whole story in order to really work with you in getting better. Take that first step and then see how you feel.

No, the reactions of your parents were completely inappropriate, and wrong. The hurt from there response is also another good thing to discuss with your T.

Wishing you peace.
Debbie

 

[Sethe]

I agree with ITL. Talk with a NEUTRAL party. A T is a good idea.

 

[Str3ngth]

the only problem with my T is that she doesn't think she can help me anymore. She referred me to someone else who I haven't had to courage to talk to yet. :-\

 

[ISupportHer]

OK, I hesitate even saying anything here. As a carer, I mean. Maybe not my place to say but
(I always have a but, LOL)

I would REALLY think about the possible outcome if simply divulging the incident caused you pain. I can't say I know what you feel but it seems like you want to be heard and to have understanding. We all do. I would just say that to divulge it all may be problematic. Even though you feel you want to share doesn't mean that the family is ready. I am not saying that you supress your needs over theirs but that maybe you could pick one person who is supportive and share a little more. Judge their reaction and then maybe share even more.

I have been trying to get my wife to share with me and feel I am ready to hear, but am I? We don't know the reaction, as you say, until the information is revealed and then we all have to move forward from there.

And one thing I feel strongly about. It really is your decision. I imagine you will hear good and bad about this. It is absolutely a good idea to seek counsel from others who have struggled with the same decision. Absolutely a good idea to have the guidance of a professional. But it is up to each person to determine when and to what extent to reveal details. Some never will but on the other hand I can only imagine the burden of carrying the "secret" alone.

I wish you the best no matter what you decide. And it goes without saying that you have the support of the entire community here.

ISH

 

[cherryblossom]

the only problem with my T is that she doesn't think she can help me anymore. She referred me to someone else who I haven't had to courage to talk to yet. :-\

Perhaps you should try to be honest with the T that you have, before you move onto someone new. Of course if you can't (or ? won't?) talk to your current T, then you are right to move on to another T. But perhaps she feels that she can't help you any further, because you are not being open and honest with her. It's hard - I get that - I know that. But to get the most from therapy - we have to be ble to speak freely, and feel safe doing so. I would strongly suggest you talk to a T before telling your family everything - simply because you might be hurt, and re-traumatised by their reaction.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Str3ngth,

I understand that it seems important to you (naturally) for those in your family and closest to you to have some understanding, to validate your experiences, ideally to be supportive. From what you have said I don't believe that is the reaction you have or will receive. It is good to identify that their reaction has been so, that it was not your fault, but I agree with CB, you may find it retraumatizing.

It is very difficult for me to say this, but I tried to bring up an issue 2 years ago, and again how I was feeling/ that I needed help last November, and it had the opposite response. I realize now, 2 months later that the reaction/ feedback from November has become a huge trigger for me now for suicidal thoughts (a 'validation' as it were for my own lack of worth, in my head), so I strongly suggest that you reveal anything you choose to (only) someone who will understand and not condemn you, likely your T, or a new T. It will help you to feel better, it is a step of progress, and I think that it is really necessary to be that honest- that is, to face the horrible fears and self-rejection that lay beneath.

Dear ISH, you said:

I have been trying to get my wife to share with me and feel I am ready to hear, but am I? ..Some never will but on the other hand I can only imagine the burden of carrying the "secret" alone.

I think the 'secret' lays in exposing (revealing) the deep-seated fears at the core that we are to blame, or in some way will be to blame again, and that perhaps others' actions/ reactions to us or our own behaviours support that, that we don't really have any value or the 'rights' that others take for granted. So I agree with you, I am not sure if it is always the 'details' which are as important as the secrets themselves which destroy us, but I think being 'ready' equates to not adding more blame or shame to a loved one's view of themselves. But if a family member or anyone else cannot stop themselves from doing that, it is a really bad idea to reveal details or fears to them. I would do so only where or with someone it is safe to do so with, who has a better understanding or a different perspective, who believes you, who wants you to get well and understands that's what you are trying to do. Who ideally validates your goodness, now, and doesn't contribute to a feeling of confirming your worst fears.

Much peace to you, and don't be afraid.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Str3ngth, I just realized, too- it was November 2009 I said it (not 2010)- it has taken that long for me to face it/ realize it/ deal with it, to admit it had a huge negative impact. Please, stick with who can support you through this, perhaps later family etc will understand better but otherwise it may cause much more damage than good.

 

[Str3ngth]

well, the thing of it is, i can talk with my T. What she knows is the last "big" part of the story where the most traumatizing occurrence happened, I can't remember how much of the story I told her but we never really talked about it a lot. She thinks she can't help me because it's 'talk-therapy' and she believes that the fears are so instinctual and engraved that I need more then just someone to talk to in order to overcome them. I believe I can still go back to my T and talk to her, but the stupid side of my brain just tells me that she's expecting me to move forward and to not go back to her. I don't know, i'm still confused about the whole thing.

 

[Marie E.]

Has your T mentioned anything close to seeing a psychologist for extra help to see what kind of diagnosis you may have and that medicine might be of help to you?

 

[Str3ngth]

She diagnosed me with PTSD a year ago. I have tried both Prozac and Zoloft but neither helped. She then recommended Lexapro but my insurance didn't cover it so I was put on the generic for Celexa. My T said my medications need to be more aimed towards anxiety than depression because that is my biggest issue.

The T she recommended works with people who have Eating Disorders, Loss or Grief, OCD, Parenting, Trauma and PTSD and does a Mindfulness-based cognitive therapy.

 

[Str3ngth]

correction, 2, (almost 3..wow) years ago, sorry :)