Help I Think I'm Delusional

[sunflowerchild]

I have had a thoroughly messed up life. I have been severely abused and traumatized up to age 16. I am now 22 years old. I suffered serious depression and suicidal tendencies for most of my life. I also was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, and dissociation. All of these things were seriously affecting me between the ages of 16 and 19. I literally thought I was insane...and the only person that all of this was unleashed onto was my boyfriend at the time. Other than that I would be able to hold myself together in everyone else's presence for the most part...and have my other episodes in private. I was never perfect...just worse alone or with my boyfriend. The direction I am going with this post is that I am worried I am delusional or psychotic at times. I am really confused. For the past two years my PTSD had improved tremendously, I am no longer depressed or suicidal, and my mood swings are rarely existent. I have issues here and there...and I think the dissociation is still a problem. I had a very serious episode this week though...and I only ever had one like it in the past....

First episode of this sort: 16 years old:

My dad came into my room and yelled at me to get off the phone for dinner. He grabbed my wrist and continued to yell. This was all that happened...and then he left. I went crazy. I truly thought he was going to kill me. I feared for my life. I was screaming and trying to run out of the house but my mom and brother put me in my room and told me to calm down. I kicked a hole in my screen and jumped out my window. I then ran through the street bare feet and frantic. My family got in the car to look for me...I hid in a bush and waited for them to pass. I then ran to a complete strangers house and banged like a lunatic on their door. I screamed for help like I was being murdered. A middle aged couple opened there door and I told them my dad was going to kill me or beat me up. They called the police. I filed a police report and was brought home. My parents pretty much told them I was crazy. I thought for almost a year later that I truly was in danger that night...then I eventually realized that it was related to my PTSD. Grabbing my wrist is a trigger from when I was assaulted. I couldn't distinguish in that event with my dad that I truly wasn't going to be killed. This episode lasted for hours. I never had another one of these episodes until recently....

Second episode: 22 years old:

I've been with my current boyfriend for two years now and what we share together is a true blessing. We both have mental health issues...but we really support one and other.Well this week just wasn't our week to put it lightly...we started fighting Friday morning and I went into the bathroom to get away from him. He was having a breakdown and he came into the bathroom and continued the fight. He was really angry and got up in my face to scream...but amid the hysteria we both wound up clashing heads...it really was an accident. afterward he left the room to cool off. It wasn't a pretty fight...but we had been pushing each other's buttons all day. He then left for work...but I was having a severe panic attack in the bathroom. I couldn't calm down. I looked in the mirror and saw I had a black eye. I lost it. I called his father and told him that his son had beat me up and almost killed me. I called my parents and told them the same. They brought me to the ER and the police were called. I told them that I was scared for both of our lives and truly thought I was lucky to be alive. I was in this state for days where I truly thought I had almost died. When I finally calmed down I realized this isn't what happened. I know that screaming and yelling can be a trigger for my PTSD. I luckily didn't press charges on my boyfriend. He didn't even know I had hurt my eye and felt terrible. My whole family thinks that I was almost killed now and that he went psychotic and threatened my life. I tried to explain to them that it was my PTSD and brought up the other episode with my dad...only they seem to think I am in denial and have been abused and battered all along. I don't really know how to fix this. I would rather not have my family worried sick in fear when I am with my boyfriend. My boyfriend takes on his part of the responsibility...he knows he scared me and never meant to hurt me. I love my boyfriend more than anything...this week really was a slip for us. We both have a lot of issues...but we work so hard together and for each other...he has helped me more than anyone. He immediately went back to therapy following all of this because he felt so bad.

Other than these two episodes I can't recall any other "delusions" ...if that's even what they are. I am scared. I really felt in these situations that I was going to be killed. Am I crazy? My PTSD is from life threatening assaults and such. I am just really surprised because I really have been functioning so much better these past two years...and many years have passed between the first and second episode. I could see where the first episode came into play given that time in my life...I was having severe flashbacks. Things have been so much calmer now though. How do I trust myself. I don't want to get someone in serious trouble when they weren't going to kill me! I mean I can't even convince my family that my boyfriend is okay now...they don't get it. I know things escalated too much but it wasn't life threatening.

 

[Jen L]

Hey Sunflowerchild..I'm new here but had to respond quickly...

I don't think it's delusional, so much...especially since you seem to know the triggers and what you're doing, albeit after the fact. My only suggestions would be: #1, don't give up all your hard work and advancement. That's awesome! #2, if at all possible, refrain from telling anyone what's going on (in the family) when you have an episode like this, to avoid them not understanding when it's all done. I'm thinking along the lines of how anyone (PTSD or not) should really not air all their grievances of a lover/spouse to family because you will forgive him and they won't be able to let it go. Your case is just magnified due to both of you having mental health issues.

My 2 cents of course. :-)

 

[sunflowerchild]

Sorry for the delayed response, I'm new too this forum as well. Yeah, I started up with a new therapist now and she also didn't think I wasn't having delusions, that's a relief! As for my family, yes, I have definitely learned to keep things separate...what a mess lol. Thanks so much for the feedback ! :)

 

[gnirolockoob]

I'm also new to the forums =) I have experience with delusions and you can in fact know you are in delusion while in delusion albeit you will be very much in denial of it. I delude that I am being chased by my trauma perpetrator until to this day, I don't use public phones or computers or even ride public transportation, although I know it probably isn't true. I know this is different from your episodes but I think you have had some delusional episodes. I hope it doesn't happen again. I also agree with what Jen L said about

#2, if at all possible, refrain from telling anyone what's going on (in the family) when you have an episode like this, to avoid them not understanding when it's all done.

I think you should try consulting a therapist and maybe one that specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy to know what are the triggers and so you don't panic too much the next time it happens and call everyone you know.

Just my opinion of course.

 

[Jenfa]

I understand this perfectly. My PTSD trips up my bipolar constantly. I've had false memories, delusions, catastrophic overreactions, you name it. It usually happens in a period of mania and can be super scary. It's like.. having a dream that is so vivid that you can't tell if it really happened or not. The thing that sucks is that it flares up when it wants to, not when certain things happen or certain times of year (however, I tend to visit CrazyVille every spring for a week or so). Tapering off of meds can trigger mania big time.

I relate really well to the trigger, though. Whenever someone touches me on my head or face, I freak out. First of all, I'm kinda blind so it's a sensory thing but also I've been sucker punched a hundred times so the fast movement does it. But with bipolar, the one thing can set off a mania that if you don't get to know it, and even embrace it, you won't be able to appease it. You can't control it, but you can appease it. Once you identify it and everything it does, then the meds can help. But meds alone won't do it.

I seriously hope you get to know this thing faster than I did. I wish I had just accepted it when I was younger. If I did, I would have been able to do so much more with my life. By the time I stopped being embarrassed at all the crazy shit I did, my entire youth was wasted. Little did I know all I had to do is hold it's hand.