Help! I'm Depressed And I Can't Get Up!

[Muzikluvr]

This is a very difficult thread for me because it's not about my past or my trauma but about what I'm feeling now and what I'm doing because of those feelings.

About a month before finding this forum, I quit my job with the intention of homesteading, and going back into therapy. I was having anxiety attacks, so I told my GP and he prescribed Wellbuterin. I've since switched to Cymbalta. I'm not sure either is helping since the anxiety has gone away but been replaced by this very deep dark depression. I find myself enjoying the forum quite a lot, I can say things to others that are uplifting and I can write things here that have heretofore never been written or said... and those things are identified with and I receive comfort rather than anger or resentment as before.

But this forum is like my trauma to my husband, it's taboo to talk to him about it. I mean, I've talked to him about my trauma, and especially my family problems, but he's so over it. He doesn't get why I keep hanging on and he sees this forum as me defining myself as a victim. He certainly doesn't want to know anything about PTSD. I'm not sure he even thinks that it exists.

I never did do any homesteading, not before the forum and not yet this summer. Not only that, but I have not been keeping up with the normal household chores. I've watched movies, tv, written about my trauma... I tried therapy and found a really crappy T whom I have since fired.

When I motivate myself to do my chores, I feel pretty good about it, but very soon into it I start to feel tired. I try to at least complete the task I set out with but then that may be the only task I do all day. After trying to accomplish a lot of things and only accomplishing one task... I find it difficult to get up and try again.

My H is getting pretty sore about it all, and rightly so, I admit. He's making comments, and the kids are starting to call me lazy and sometimes exclude me saying that they didn't think I'd want to, or nah, let's not ask mom, she won't want to go.

I understand that by refusing to do stuff, it's taught them to not ask. I know this is all my fault, my behavior is teaching them how to treat me. So, I don't know what I want... I mean, I don't know how to motivate myself. Sometimes, I just think leaving and being alone would be great. I've even thought that homelessness has it's privileges. I'd just go off and stare into space, content not to provide care to anyone including myself. Just waste away.

I wonder if anyone can help me find the words to elicit some support from my family. My son has been a big motivator to me this weekend because he doesn't usually want to be around me... but he has been inviting me to see his accomplishments and I've wanted to support him.

The family wants to get goats, and it has occurred to my daughter that when school starts up and dad is at work... "that leaves her" and teasingly the two of them discussed how they need a farmer woman to take over the farm. I smiled at them and told them that it was going to take lots of positive reinforcement, and then they complimented me on a task I completed today. But, just a few minutes ago, my H asked me when I was going to put the sheets on my daughter's bed and I said "soon" and she said, "I thought you were going to do that before the sun goes down" (still 3 hours away at that point) and my son started in too with "Yeah, mom..." and I cut them off by yelling at them.

Then I said, "I don't have to do it right when it's mentioned" and my H scoffed and rolled his eyes. Daughter wanted to know why, and he changed the subject while I stared daggers.

I feel angry when I do chores. I feel resentment, but I'm not sure what's going on. I love my family and I want to take care of our stuff. I really like the idea of homesteading. I would love to live off the land, heck I'd love to live off the grid... but not without this forum LOL!

Advice? And, no need to sugar coat it. I need to know how to fix myself and my relationships.

 

[shell]

One of the things that was pointed out to me and I came to realized when I started talking in T about why I was having angry outbursts all the time, was that I have a tendency to do too much, rather than taking on a fair share of the tasks around the house. After discussing it with my partner I find my work load much better, and now the tasks I do carry out, don't seem so insurmountable. Even when I find I'm absolutely down in the dumps I use housework etc. as my form of exercise, I put on my ipod, tune everyone out (so I achieve the isolation I really need) and when I'm finished I can at least look and be satisfied with what I accomplished. I never thank my spouse for the tasks he completed, as that made me feel like he was doing me a favour, but I always take the time to point out how nice things look if he does things around the house, just so he knows the effort was appreciated.

 

[Tosh]

I do believe everyone should do their fair share. Kids, husband, wife, etc. That dosen't mean just cause I'm home and do not work that I will do everything for everyone. I made a chart. I wrote down one or two chores for the children to do each day. If I do everything for them, then they will never learn how to take care of themselves, I would not want my children to become codependent on me. Then like shell, alot of times I turn on the music, I also light some candles and then just look around and find something to do. It changes the atmosphere, so it makes chores not so tedius. Now granted I have bad days, when I can't seem to complete anything. That is pretty normal for me, but I do my fair share and most of the time I accomplish alot more. When I'm angry, I love to garden, cause I can take those yucky feelings and turn them into something beautiful. I heard somewhere that you keep your environment looking like how you feel inside. It makes sence in my case, cause I'm continually changing it as I change. Adding things, throwing away others, just whatever. It all depends on how mentally healthy I am. My relationships with my children get better as I get better. So I had to put myself before chores, and everything else in my life, and just take care of me for awhile. I did that my taking suggestions from my therapist and taking medication to help with my depression. When I started getting better, everything else did too. My relationships flourished, the housework became much more manageable. Take care of you, and then the rest will fall into place.

 

[Muzikluvr]

It's not that I don't feel like it is my responsibility to handle these daily chores, and I don't resent the responsibility either. I don't feel like my H is asking me to take on more than my fair share, in fact I think that he is handling more than his fair share. It's that when I try to motivate myself to do it, I feel ANGRY.

I printed off some of my diary to give to my H, in an effort to bring my "two worlds" together. And he said he knew most of that stuff. He is being as supportive as he knows how, he's not very good at talking about emotions... but he definitely cares for me and my feelings. But, I felt a big let down by his reaction.

Then today, feeling pretty vulnerable and exposed, I decided to try hiding in my closet. It was nice. But, I can't stay there.

I don't understand why I feel Angry about doing chores, it's like I'm angry with myself and I'm refusing to do them to hurt myself. "NO, I DON"T WANT TO!" like no, you can't make me! and I'm directing those statements at myself. ?????

I guess I feel let down because my H didn't discuss much of what he read with me. He read it quickly and then didn't really have anything to discuss about it. Ok. Sorry you went through that, sorry you're still going through it. I knew most of that already. Didn't know you were contacting the abuser's family... (and then the look of reason) because it is playing with fire to speak to any of them.

I've found a list of T's to try... I will contact them and see if I can find one with whom I might be able to establish a good relationship.

 

[Muzikluvr]

After posting the last post above, I viewed an email from a friend and realized that it has been fear all along. And, instead of thinking consciously about what that fear is, I was only thinking about the angry reaction... desperate reaction... to not take steps toward more ... ? recovery?

So, I realized that to clean up my mess and start organizing and managing our household is like moving on, moving forward, leaving... ? the pain? part of me? behind...? And when I think get up and just clean up the living room... I look around at it, I think about it, I picture it clean and then I scream at myself "NO YOU CAN"T MAKE ME!" and then I go get another small bowl of chocolate chips and sit back down.

Maybe I've reached a plateau. Maybe I just can't go any further without a proper T. It sucks that I can see myself happy, organized, managing our lives together, etc... but when I try to take steps toward it I'm screaming at myself in a blind panic.

Has anyone else ever felt this way? And has anyone figured out how to fix it?

Maybe just understanding what a clean house means to me... will help me take steps toward it. I'm feeling fear and anxiety as I write that.

 

[Sqweak]

I haven't yet hit this stage in my life, where there are other people around me who need me. But I know what it feels like to hit limbo in your recovery, and you feel like where in the hell do I go from here? Seeking out the proper assistance from a T is very important. From reading your post it's easy to see why you would feel bad or depressed for not being an active member in your family.

Have you thought about writing out a list? As a really unorganized person, taking the time to sit down and write a list of the things I’m going to accomplish that day is therapeutic for me. If you were to take my advice and write a list make it a short one. Leaving lots of time between tasks to get things done. I know if I don't finish everything on my list I become extremely agitated and depressed and I don't want that for you. My Business consumerism professor taught me this really cool acronym KISS:

Keep
It
Simple
Silly

Try to remember this while you're up and getting active. But too much strain on yourself will only make you more agitated, which is detrimental to you in the long run.

Good luck Muz, keep us posted<3

 

[Muzikluvr]

Thanks for your practical advice on behaving my way out of this depression. I will try the list.

I'm just writing in the depression thread because... even as I say I will try the list I have tears coming...
In fact, while reading the suggestion I was thinking that my husband loves his lists and it is exactly what he would tell me to do. And it is what I should do... and that's why I will do it.

There's just something missing that I can't communicate. I can just hear someone posting to my thread some frustrated, comments about how I won't feel better until I start becoming more active and start doing the things that are weighing heavy on me. And, I think that what makes me angry about that, because I do that to myself too, is that my response is one of anger and likely due to some kind of fear I have of completing those tasks.

There's something in this pit that I need to be aware of... and yes, if I start doing I will start feeling better but I don't think I'll be able to figure out ...

From childhood, we only cleaned up the house when company was coming over. My dad told my h that he would need to invite people over often if he wanted a clean house. I have always cleaned house with people in mind, and I'm trying to stop living for other people's expectations... and instead, saying and doing things because they are the right things to do. I know doing my chores is the right thing to do.

But, it's like there's this wall I'm up against right now that I'm beating my head against and enjoying taking care of myself and family is like on the other side of the wall. As soon as I find the way through that wall... ahhhh, I see a happy life of homesteading and raising my kids into respectful, self-confident, contributors in our family and our society. I want that for them. I want them to think for themselves.

I told my young son once, that we have to behave in the store because there are cameras watching us and if we damage anything they will make us pay for it and maybe...Here I stopped short. What was I saying? He was like 2 years old and I was just figuring out that my whole life was about what other people think of me... not right or wrong anymore. So, I've been trying to be more about right or wrong... and chores are a huge trigger for me in this respect. As I have only ever done them for the approval of other people.

I guess that's it, then. I'm seeking a motivation that won't lead me to doing stuff just for the approval of others. Motivation that comes from within, and makes me happy because I accomplished it, irregardless of the fact that my family will never witness how I've succeeded despite what they did to my childhood. Just doing it for me, because it's what I want to do. I'm going to cogitate on that for awhile...

 

[Srain]

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said "hit the plateau". I do that after and before I continue a major issue in my recovery. What "other people think" really hit home. I look at it as a time to heal, rest, recover, like the flu.

The fact is you will get that burst to clean the house again, deep inside I believe you know this because hasn't that happened before? When you are ready your resolved will be there. The "list" is a great idea and the note pads with a magnet on the back that you can slap onto the fridge are awesome! Dollar stores carry them for a cheap price. A simple chore to load a wash of sheets (check!) feels great even if you head back to the forum while it is in the dryer.Plus leaving an easy duster out using that as you put a few clothes away here and there is another Check! Tricks I use.

Getting a tdoc is a great step! That can take some work to find the right fit so give yourself a break there and allow for some down days if you need them for support here. PTSD is exhausting!

I think you are doing great :)

Rain

 

[Muzikluvr]

I think the depression has a lot to do with my increasing acceptance in letting go of my family of origin.

And I think the resistance I feel in doing my chores is in regards to my feelings about losing my family/hating my family/preferring to feel more indifferent toward my family; but not feeling indifferent yet. Since every time I've ever cleaned I have thought about my mom and dad. Likely because they are who taught me to clean...? and because I constantly have sought their approval.

The only thing on my list today is a big one. I am going to the grocery store... WITH my kids. And we are not going to bicker and bully, we're going to go as a team, accomplish our task and reward ourselves with food. It's not the best reward... but, it's all I can manage right now.

I really appreciate all your input in working out my feelings behind this depression I'm in. I thought I was feeling better yesterday and getting excited about today... but then I stayed up until 2am again and slept until noon. Still going to make the grocery trip happen.

 

[Nighthawk]

((((HUGS)))) and a helping hand I really fo hope the depretion starts to gert better.