Sexual Assault Help Me Understand?

[wingsofabug]

I wasn't okay when it started. I pushed away from being touched and I hated being forced to kiss but I was scared. I wasn't a little girl though. I'm 19. So why didn't I put my foot down? Instead, I became introverted. I let him touch/talk to me however he wanted and I pretended it was okay. Then he started saying everything was consensual, a game of dominance and submission. I just agreed. What is wrong with me? I smiled and acted like it was okay only hating myself after. Is this all my fault?

 

[Ted Moen]

No Wings, it's not your fault. We all learned ways of getting through hostile situations and when something in our current, hopefully non-hostile situation reminds us of something in the hostile situation we fall back to getting by now like we did then.

Our challenge is to learn to act appropriately in our current situation, even when stuff in our current situation is triggering old feelings. Appropriately means in a way that gets our current needs met in our current situation, that we act assertively (not aggressively or passively or passive-aggressively) in our own interest.

Ted

 

[Nyx]

It is a game to him, but it is not your fault. A normal person asks for permission and stops if they don't get that permission.

Tell me, is this still going on?

 

[wingsofabug]

Thanks for the replies. It is not currently going on now but I just feel responsible. I'm old enough to be able to stand up for myself and I didn't. I just let it happen multiple times after initially pushing away. And it sucked when he said the words consensual. I didn't agree to anything, I just let it happen. I pretended it was okay, that I enjoyed being his toy. I didn't know how else to handle the situation. How pathetic.

 

[Nyx]

Not pathetic, human. It's the normal human reaction to situations that are out of our control. I know it takes time for this idea to sink in, it took time for me too. I was raped twice by two different persons and both times I did nothing. Was it my fault though? No. The fault lies with the perpetrators. I have come to see this only because I have come to understand that a normal person stops. A normal person cares. Abusers do not.