Hopefulphoenix
Not Active
Hi I am calling out to ask if there are any other PTSD-ers out there who are also Bipolar. Or if anyone reading this at all can identify ad offer some kind support!
Last year was one of the hardest in my life, and that’s saying something.
The reason was, at 43 years old after losing my therapist at a critical time in my recovery, with a young baby,I had what I now know to be a manic episode. This was after a long period of grief/very deep depression.
I had no idea what was going on, which I think is what terrifies me the most. I had no help and no medication and it continued for almost half a year, before I fell into extremely deep depression again. I was even hospitalised during this time but released with no explanations etc. This in itself makes me furious at the system, and that bitterness just really hurts me.
During this time I started to hallucinate (linked to my childhood abuse) and left my marriage and kids. I had no memory of doing this. I had other hallmarks of mania like talking fast, feeling I could see so much beauty eveywhere etc. But I found it to be horrible and unsettling.
I am back with them now and starting therapy in a month. But I feel what happened to me, losing myself so badly in that time is yet more trauma.
I became better after it was casually suggested by a doctor that I should try mood stabilizers, as anti depressants dont seem to work on me. I did stabilize alot, they help me sleep and hopefully should prevent future episodes.
Both my mum and sister are bipolar and Im scared about genetics and my kids.
I feel like I in a way hate myself for how I acted during the high. But am also terrified, in hindsight for myself being, yet again “out there” all alone.
I think in a way I managed to tell myself as a consolation, that despite all I have been through I was never “crazy” like my mum. During my childhood I had to deal with her behaving in a way that made no sense and was really embaraasong, on top of the violence, neglect etc. During this period I “ran away” and had the police looking for me. I ended up being recovered the other end of the country.
For me I think I was almost back in time running away from my abusers. My mum did stuff like this too, and I often I alone would have to deal with it.
I feel like I still cant cope with the hallucinations I saw and just the completely, completely irrational beliefs I had then. Im not religious per se, yet I suddenly believed I was somehow “chosen” ?!. It didnt help that I got involved with a guy who was obviously unwell too on the internet.
Like I said, I hate myself for it, I feel humilated and I know that's not very helpful.
I hope someone can give me some reassurance and hope to calm me down until I start again in therapy.
Last year was one of the hardest in my life, and that’s saying something.
The reason was, at 43 years old after losing my therapist at a critical time in my recovery, with a young baby,I had what I now know to be a manic episode. This was after a long period of grief/very deep depression.
I had no idea what was going on, which I think is what terrifies me the most. I had no help and no medication and it continued for almost half a year, before I fell into extremely deep depression again. I was even hospitalised during this time but released with no explanations etc. This in itself makes me furious at the system, and that bitterness just really hurts me.
During this time I started to hallucinate (linked to my childhood abuse) and left my marriage and kids. I had no memory of doing this. I had other hallmarks of mania like talking fast, feeling I could see so much beauty eveywhere etc. But I found it to be horrible and unsettling.
I am back with them now and starting therapy in a month. But I feel what happened to me, losing myself so badly in that time is yet more trauma.
I became better after it was casually suggested by a doctor that I should try mood stabilizers, as anti depressants dont seem to work on me. I did stabilize alot, they help me sleep and hopefully should prevent future episodes.
Both my mum and sister are bipolar and Im scared about genetics and my kids.
I feel like I in a way hate myself for how I acted during the high. But am also terrified, in hindsight for myself being, yet again “out there” all alone.
I think in a way I managed to tell myself as a consolation, that despite all I have been through I was never “crazy” like my mum. During my childhood I had to deal with her behaving in a way that made no sense and was really embaraasong, on top of the violence, neglect etc. During this period I “ran away” and had the police looking for me. I ended up being recovered the other end of the country.
For me I think I was almost back in time running away from my abusers. My mum did stuff like this too, and I often I alone would have to deal with it.
I feel like I still cant cope with the hallucinations I saw and just the completely, completely irrational beliefs I had then. Im not religious per se, yet I suddenly believed I was somehow “chosen” ?!. It didnt help that I got involved with a guy who was obviously unwell too on the internet.
Like I said, I hate myself for it, I feel humilated and I know that's not very helpful.
I hope someone can give me some reassurance and hope to calm me down until I start again in therapy.
