Help Psychologically Abusing - Living Out My Childhood - How To Stop?

[IrisL]

I'm not sure is there any advise on that...
So the facts:
I'm psychologically abusing my partner... (His words, but I think it's true) he tells me I'm living out my childhood abuse on him and projecting my pedophile stepfather on him.
Sometimes my brain get a click and searching for evidence to not to trust in him - can't stop until I find something.and because no one is perfect obviously I find things.
When we having an argument and he is saying his opinion about my disrespectful behaviour - I'm just listening and sometimes other argument I feel like he is pulling my strings and lose control - and sometimes I get suicidal... Usually is happens when he is busy and he spare no time or attention to me. He says I'm always have problem when I don't get enough attention and I'm always needy and attention seeker.

Oh and the other thing he says a lots of time I'm speaking with him as he is a stranger.and like absolutely forgetting what he did for me...

What he did- the positives- he took out from my old type of life where I didn't recognised people just using me and lying to me - superficial a.he tried to give me safety and certainty as much as he can.he made me strong so I can write the letters to my parents to again vocalise what's happened ( my stepfather sexually abused me for 11years from my age 7)- he believed me... Even if my family reaction wasn't as good, but my mum is doing great - she has a massive guilt and she knows she can't turn back the time but she is trying her best to help me and loving with a constant guilt to she didn't recognised it on the time.my boyfriend teach me how to push my mum to the truth and she was brave enough to confront my stepdad who didn't have any other choice than to admit his crimes. My mum told to his kids (they are adults now) and to my brother.
So these things I would say it's his credit and he gave me courage to do it.
And I really don't understand myself he did so many things for me, why I'm forgetting the things what he done for me? Why I'm flipping and abiding? Why I can't trust?
Obviously I know is related To the pedophile experience... But why I'm doing it with him? Why I can't stop? Where is my perception? How I can have a proper reality check instead of making conspiracy and act on some of my bullshit?
Is there any practice which I should do and help with that?
Sometimes I can stop and not lose my mind but is rarely happens and don't know how to pull back myself to the reality instead to do a self prophecy...

Any suggestion?
I would try anything to not to hurt him, because he really doesn't deserves any of that.

 

[The Albatross]

I'm not really functioning well on all cylinders yet Iris but will put my thinking cap on. I think that you did well to consider the positives and also make the observation that you're possibly tapping back to your reenacting your childhood/abuse.

 

[Klo]

Are you seeing a therapist? If not, would you be willing to see a therapist to help you with these things? It sounds kind of similar to "splitting", with a mix of hypervigilance, getting triggered, disorganized attachment style, etc (just all stuff you could search up on for validation, maybe). Couples therapy would probably help a lot, too.

It's also entirely possible that your partner is doing things that are triggering you, and then trying to gaslight/invalidate you, accusing you of being paranoid or too hypersensitive. That is a common tactic that mental/emotional abusers use, and we can't tell through the internet if this could be happening.

But one good way to find out is to ask him to go to couples therapy with you. If he really cares about you and wants you both to be healthy, then he'll be willing to go and work with you in therapy. If he's not willing, then that would be a red flag that maybe your gut is telling you something after all.

 

[Changing4Best]

Yes, I agree, you need to see a therapist and a psychiatrist too, if you are not already doing so. Please be good to both your husband and yourself by doing so as soon as possible. I hope you have some kind of medical plan that will pay it for you. The first thing they will do is to diagnose you so that the insurance will pay for the treatment.

 

[scout86]

I have no way of knowing what's actually going on, but there were a couple of things you said that concern me a little.

he took out from my old type of life

He took you? Or you decided to leave? Or he helped you see that leaving was an option? Or something else?

he made me strong

The way I see it, no one else can "make" you strong. They can support you and encourage you, but the strength you find was your own all along.

He says I'm always have problem when I don't get enough attention and I'm always needy and attention seeker.

Do you think that's accurate?

I agree with everyone who asked if you're seeing a therapist. Someone would really have to know you, and the situation, to understand what's going on. I'm a little leery of a situation where one person starts out as a rescuer and then criticizes the other for needing to be rescued. That kind of dynamic has a hint of the "rescuer" looking to have needs met in an unhealthy way. I'm not at all sure I'm right. But, it's not uncommon for people to reenact childhood dynamics on BOTH sides of a relationship. It's find, as long as it actually works for the benefit of both parties. Sometimes it's not so fine.

 

[Intrepid]

It's easy to say "all I need to do is this one thing to make it all better." There are really a thousand things to do, and writing this on the forum is only one. Relationships are complicated. I liked what @scout86 said about how he may start out as a rescuer but become something else. Thing is, you can decide how to deal with his behavior when you can be honest about your own. I like that you are really watching your own actions and reactions. Keep it up.

 

[IrisL]

Thanks for the answers - unfortunately. Wouldn't say I'm watching my action ... No control or what's so ever on them.
And more likely he forces things out to say to see how he sees it, which what he said is true, but my right doing is never told or credited ... But I don't think I can ask any of that or wish for it when I can't behave at all and psychologicly abusing and damaging him. He says I'm dangerous to him (because of the grabbing knife and try to cut myself) and I can kill him... By accident.
And he will say no to therapy because he is really busy. And he don't have am problem he isn't sick just me. And yes I'm going to therapy but now she is on 2 weeks annual leave.

 

[IrisL]

He isn't critise me to I needed to be rescued - he says no one helped me and that's why he thought to help me.

I'm not exactly sure what I wanted on the time... I feel I was pushed around, I know what he did it was for my own good... But nowadays I have no clue what I want, I'm not saying I ever had high self esteem, but now how none at all and gained +10kg in the last year because I'm constantly feeling myself lonely and depressed. And I would like to go out but I can't go out without him... And I feel he not taking his responsibility ...
Oh by the way because on the beginning for my own security I lied my head of which resulted he asked me to cut of my connections with all of my friend...

 

[Sideways]

@IrisL
Having to work on a relationship at the same time that you're having to work on your recovery must be really tough. There's a lot of things about this relationship that sound unhelpful, but more importantly, it actually sounds like it's becoming (if it wasn't always) quite unhealthy and destructive.

I can see lots of red flags in your posts - like the above posts have sugggested, there seems to be a lot of toxic yuck in your dynamic with this guy, flowing both ways. I could find plenty of pretty unflattering things to say about him based on what you've written, but I'm gonna hold my tongue.

I want to respect the fact that it's 2 weeks till you see your therapist (can you bring that forward??), and ripping him a new one right now is potentially going to make those 2 weeks even longer and harder for you. It sounds like you're a bit fragile at the moment (totally justified), and I don't want to make that worse. But the fact that I haven't bulldozed him with a verbal tirade doesn't mean I don't want to - it sounds a lot like he's hurting you pretty bad, and that's not okay.

Hopefully you can be open with your T when you see them and they have enough background on your situation to offer you some real life practical advice. In the meantime, try and be gentle with yourself. When he's saying things that hurt, tell him "this conversation is a bit too much for me right now, can we come back to it". And even if your head tells you that you can't/shouldn't do nice things for yourself, try and be kind to yourself. This one isn't an overnight-fix, but you do have the strength it takes to get through, and repair/replace the relationship.

The fact that this relationship needs a complete makeover doesn't mean you've screwed it up. If things are getting as nasty as they sound, there's no way this is all your fault. You are loveable, you do deserve to have friends, you do deserve to be treated with compassion.

 

[IrisL]

Thanks...
Sometimes I feel like he is using put my CPTSD ... And for example when I have brain switch nasty shit session - after he is really acting out on me or do similiar bad behaviour as I did - the name of "I have to learn it"... Which isn't makes me learn is makes me angry and feel alone and is destroying my self confidence...
A lots of time he is telling me he don't know how to help to me... And I'm neither sure... But neither seems he is trying to understand my situation and he is always coming but other people has problems too... Which a lot of time I would answer are you f*cking joking that's staff what I have is serious I'm going to every week to a doctor because of that and now they are working to get 2 in a week... Which makes me feel pretty much a failure to I can't deal with that once a week... He is telling me I should do other things than to read about PTSD and treatment and core issues... But because I'm ignoring is not going away... I know I read too much books on it, but is flippin pissing me of to I can't control myself because what I'm searching isn't in the books and not sure what I'm looking for... Neither helps he asked me to not to talk about it... With him ... Which isn't helpful at all... Can't be free to talk ... Because I have to attention what I'm saying... Had an absolute different question and because previously I read the book on PTSD he assumed my question was from the book - the question was around when he masturbated and how he thought of these things... Which afterwards he told me I talked about anise... Which is at my view point is only a sexual perception...

He is confusing me because he treats me like I'm healthy when I have a mental illness... And seems he is closed minded on that and don't know what to say to him for example on that "how can he help to me"???
If anyone has a partner how is works with your partner? Or how it's should be? Or what would be helpful for both of you?

I feel my feelings here at that one isn't (mean with my partner)validated at all, because my perception is f*cked up- which is true unfortunately .. I'm not sure how I can straight out my view point... How I can make myself see the things correctly, truly and in the moment?

 

[IrisL]

Seems something now is changed... He will try to talk my therapist ... But I have to move out because I'm not clear what I'm doing and damaging him... Feel like he is left me ... He says if I would and could change from one day to another I can stay... But he told me I'm unable to change because of my sickness...
Now I feel I just want to give up my therapy... Not sure what to do and feel like I'm just a damaged good which you give back to the shop or put it in the trash. I'm not sure what to do what kind of practice shall I do to see the reality... Feel myself a failure...

And he told me he thinks (possibly true) he is becoming my trigger and don't know why...

 

[Sideways]

The toll that he is taking on your self-confidence and self-esteem is very real, and not acceptable. Your value as a human isn't measured by what he says, or the appalling way you're being treated. And without any doubt, you are not just a commodity to be bought, sold, replaced, tossed out.

You're absolutely right that you're damaged. But we don't toss out damaged people - we repair them, no matter how long it takes. I'm writing this from a mental hospital bed - that's pretty damaged! But like hell I'm gonna let them toss me out. It's an illness, it can be treated, and it's hard, painful, exhausting work, but you have to stick with it. You don't have to believe you're worth it just yet, because that will come with time - believing you're worth it.

Don't give up on yourself. Maybe we can't be there in person to filter out all the BS he's feeding you right now, but you've got a whole stack of us who are right here with you, through all the worst days when it doesn't seem worth it. Hang in there - it really does get better.