Help Psychologically Abusing - Living Out My Childhood - How To Stop?

[Sideways]

I like that you've been able to identify that your job is a problem (now follow through and get the hell outta there, yeah!?), and I really really like the obvious shift in your thinking in that last post.

But I'm reading all your posts and hearing you ask how to to identify and deal with your emotions better, and then you go back to your same process of only talking about him, what he does, what he says, what he thinks...

You aren't going to find out anything about yourself till you allow yourself to stop talking about him, and start talking about you. Just you. Just your head. Have a crack at it some time, see where it takes you..?

 

[The Albatross]

" What can I do or what kind of practice should I do to realise more the moment reality? Or how can I realise when I'm pushing down my feelings?"

Well you are doing that here on this thread a bit already and like Ragdoll says you've identified that your work environment or job is a major stressor. A diary on or off line (they are available here on the forum and you can pick if you want public or member diary viewing and interactive member comments or support) The private diary section there is not member interaction it is only readable by you and Anthony or Admin. There is no feedback from anybody else.

You're here, you're posting, you're dialoging and that's a significant thing. There's a whole bunch of assistive articles on the home page and in the archive section... there are also many threads by various people about coping and stress techniques. Short on time and a over booked day but wanted to respond again before I went to work.

Be well gal, and relationships are like Rome in a way... it wasn't built in a day... sometimes prioritizing independent issues to work on for yourself and then trying to work on communication and emotional regulation issues with your partner is a good place to start... but everybody is different, 'k?

 

[crazyhorse69]

Hello IrisL, Reading your post, there's one person you keep treating like shit, and that's the person you see every day in the mirror. It makes sense why you'd feel like shit given the way your treating yourself. You let your co workers treat you like shit, your miserable and unhappy and most of all unfulfilled in your work it sounds like, you can't be truly genuinely honest with co workers, and you can't be truly open and honest with your partner, there's no one knows what's truly going on in your life at the moment, it sounds like your spending lots of times up in your head all alone, that's a scary place to be all by yourself. I'm grateful your opening up some on here and trying to lay down some things that are going on in your world. Don't be scared of being honest, it's not the easiest thing to do, but you will slowly discover it's the best thing for you to be doing for your own life. I feel like your job and this loveless relationship is sucking the life right out of you, your so exhausted and drained and burned out, and down and out in life, when you should be bigger than life, having a fulfilling relationships. I know for myself, when I got to the end of my rope, when I started recovering, I learned just how deeply my life had become submerged in isolation, that I honestly had no truly genuine support, don't get my wrong I had tons of needy people in my life, always trying to meet people's needs, but I didn't have people involved in my life that sincerely only wanted happiness and fulfillment for me in my life, people that didn't need anything from me, I hope you can find that. From where I'm setting you have a job you hate and a partner that you might have had something special together once upon a time, but that's faded away, or at one time you two really made each other's lives more happy, but now, your making each other's lives a living hell, I think in a relationship, it's important to keep balanced between platonic friends, romantic lovers and healthy time in solitude, spread your time equally among all three, give time for yourself, not to be preoccupied with this duded and his opinions or ideas or desires, make some new friends to go out with, that have nothing to do with work or this partner, find people in life you can be real with, people who honestly know you and what's going on. My mentor once told me, I'm only as sick as my secrets, have a happy day and try to write down three things today on a piece of paper your grateful for, and try standing in front of the mirror and telling yourself while looking in your eyes, " to be good to yourself today, and to stop treating yourself like shit"

Later

 

[IrisL]

Thanks for your posts... Now I just have to figure it out how to be kind and good with myself ^.^

Hope I didn't make anybody angry or pissed of

Have a nice day ^.^

 

[crazyhorse69]

" What can I do or what kind of practice should I do to realise more the moment reality? Or how can...

Thanks for your posts... Now I just have to figure it out how to be kind and good with myself ^.^

Hope I...

Maybe that's the problem, maybe you need to piss some people off, it's a whole lot better to piss other people off, then you be pissed off, stand up for yourself, be assertive, don't just lay down and let people walk all over you. Maybe you need to reject how other people are treating you for once in your life, and clarify in ways that make it clear, their behavior is unacceptable to the quality of life you've chosen for yourself, if they seem confused or bewildered, then perhaps their not getting the message and chose a different avenue to convey your point. Remember if you don't define who you are, if you don't choose, your friends, someone else will make those choices for you, and believe me there's plenty of people out there that want to.

 

[heyheyhey]

Thanks for your posts... Now I just have to figure it out how to be kind and good with myself ^.^

Hope I...

Iris, I've done a lot of reading on the abusive mindset, and it doesn't seem to me like you are demonstrating that. An abuser feels justified and entitled and blames the whole world for all their internal issues, external problems, and their own bad behaviour; that doesn't seem like you. Yes, you may act out when you are feeling upset or triggered, but at the same time, I don't think your boyfriend sounds too supportive.


"He says I'm always have problem when I don't get enough attention and I'm always needy and attention seeker." This doesn't sound like something someone truly kind and supportive would say, especially they wouldn't say you are 'ALWAYS' needy and attention seeking. Excuse him? You have a history of trauma and you need to be taken care of better than other people do, you need to be worked with, understood and respected. Sometimes you are going to be 'needy' and 'emotional' and you will act out, until you learn more healthy ways to deal with your emotions - but he should be giving providing you with more healthy ways to deal with your emotions by supporting you - but none of that stuff makes you abusive. May i just add, it's common for abusers to twist things around and say YOU are the problem (is their most favourite thing to do!) - I'm not saying he is abusive, but a healthy person doesn't blame the other person for everything that is wrong, nor do they call them names - that isn't what a relationship should be about. Also, couples counselling is pretty counter-productive for abusive situations, as abuse is about power dynamics and control and an abuser resisting giving up power and taking responsibility for their cruel and unfair behaviour: they often lap up couple's counselling, because it sweeps over the power dynamic, arguing people are equally responsible for issues - which is not true when someone is an abuser. If you do think either you or him maybe abusive, it's important to seek out a counsellor who specialises in abuse.

I agree with everyone else, that the focus should be on you finding ways to help soothe yourself and regulate your emotions. Also building confidence and self-compassion. Do you do any grounding or self-soothing exercises? And have you found anything that helps you?

 

[Freedomfighter]

Are you seeing a therapist? If not, would you be willing to see a therapist to help you with these things? I...

Agreed, I think a therapist would be needed to help you guys sort that out.

 

[IrisL]

Thanks for the answer...
Fortunately that relationship ended - he broke it... I was drained, burnt out and had a nerve break - couldn't work for 2 month ... now I'm back to work, but have zero support here in London... hmmm but I'm still trying to do... have to admit he made me suicide, never did that before... before him had thoughts but not acting out, I just laughed about myself when I had those thoughts... he was abusive :/ and I let these things happen to me... lived again my trauma... guess I learnt from it; hope so... but no clue how to love myself at all...
but now I know or more likely feels like; people will don't want to get me.... always getting I'm too difficult... I'm a drama ... and same ...which in ways true... lot of time when I'm trying to make connection - and I'm super opened - they calling me a lot of time crazy... difficult to not to see myself crazy, when so many times humans calling me ... always say I'm not crazy I just have a serious psychological damage... sometimes I believe it, sometimes just empty words... people using me and I can't recognise lies and take everything by face values ... I know the problem is the face value..
But don't know how to recognise it; I need to connect ... but after that 3 years relationship, when he didn't let me to communicate with others really or my old friends ... seems like I forgot all social skills ...
Therapy I'm waiting for a 3 years weekly 2 therapy ... not sure when it's starts... hope soon; sometimes I don't know I can do it or not... but let's see... already had CBT - not sure it's helped or not... and that intensive will be DBT therapy... not sure how to prepare myself for it...

When we were together asked him to go to a therapy together, his answer was you are the crazy not me and that's your problem not mine - I have a life to lead - echoing his answer still in my mind ..

So I'm setting up my life by knowledge possibly I will never have a relationship, because no one would put up with that.. or they want to own me ... not sure why

 

[crazyhorse69]

Thanks for your post, From my abusive childhood past, and from my studies, when their is broken intimacy in a childs development, which it sounds to be the case for both of us, it creates these problems in our adult life, In other words, the concempt of trust was never apart of our developmental phase of life, so now it is something very unfamiliar to us, I think another part of it, is we both are trying to recreate, familiar interactions with intimate people in our lives, in other words recreating what is familiar to us, even if that means cruel loveless interactions that are void of intamcy but filled with people using and abusing and feeding off of us. For me, recovery and ptsd work is unlearning behavioral patterns of thought and interaction and learning new ones. Give your self space, I find that intimate relationships can exhaust me, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I think we are both scared of intimacy, because we have never truly experienced it in our lives, we were used and abused by care givers as children, and sad to say we want to continue being used and abused as adults because its what we know and understand. Happy New Year

 

[crazyhorse69]

Thanks for the answer...
Fortunately that relationship ended - he broke it... I was drained, burnt out an...

Your share reminds me of how easily we hand our power over to another person, I mean I nearly committed suicide at 22 because of a failed or broken relationship. The feeling of being rejected and abandoned was like reliving my childhood years again, it was more than I could handle.

 

[Anarchy]

Iris,
Sorry that I missed your post.

Glad that you are ok and thakyou for letting us know that you are ok and are going to start therapy.

Please don't rule out future relationships. I'm sure that you will be in a lot better position once you've begun therapy and started to re-build your friendships and social support network.

Please try to imagine having a friend who tells you things you need to know in a friendly and caring way, rather than continuing your ex's harsh treatment of you. You are not crazy at all.

Now that you are not having to listen to him berating you and hurting you, there's room for a gentler voice.

Good luck!

:hug:@

 

[Teasel]

Hi @IrisL

I'm glad you're no longer with him but sorry you've had such a difficult time.

I think if you are in a relationship, where they know you are having a very difficult time dealing with something serious like this. Then there should be at least some acceptance and interest and care shown for you going through this.
If some of your behaviour was unacceptable to them, then of course it would be good if you could both talk about it and come to some agreement.
If they often accuse you of treating them very badly, and you had not meant to treat them badly, and they don't accept your view at all then that sounds like it might be bad for you.
Expecting you to stop reading books, and never talk about what you are going though, especially with something as serious as this, is rather selfish and also bad for you, maybe unless you really don't want to talk aboit it anyway.

I've had quite a few relationships where peoole have kind of used me for their own benefit, without really caring about me and what I need or want. And especially if they often say you are treating them badly, insist that there version of relaity is correct, without any interest in how you feel about it, and especially if they get angry at you just for saying how you feel. Then I've learned it's not a relationship I want to be in.

It took me a long time to learn that nobody gets to define me or my reality for me.
Controling, blaming you and ignoring what you need and want is not caring behaviour.

A book that really helped me to learn what is and is not acceptable in a relationship is
The Verbally Abusive Relationship How to Recognize It and How to Respond by Patricia Evans.

I wish you all the best in working through all that's happened to you - and I read plenty of books to help me understand too - I think lots of us do.