Help .. should i go or not?!

[nowthisisme]

I'm not sure if I'm posting this in the right category, so please change if i am.

I need your advice.

My family is pressuring me to go to a funeral which my abuser will be at. I cant face him and his family. I know the person who passed away very well. And I fell very bad for not going to pay my respects to him family. He was a very sweet loving man with 3 young children, he was only 35 and died from a car accident.

I cried for him and his family but i can't go face them. My abuser is closely related to my friend, I felt bad for my abusers family, I spoke to some of them on the phone and i was very shook up when i heard them crying.

My emotions are all over the place and i can't make a decision. If i go i will see my abuser and i can try holding it together and manage myself till I get home at which point i can have my meltdown. I have an appointment with my T in the morning and she can help me ground myself back.

Or I can not go and disappoint my family and my friends family, they have been sending me texts reminding and letting me know what the arrangements are.

What would you do in this situation?

Also, I plan on pressing charges on my abuser and going to the funeral and sitting with his family will make me feel sad for them, it will humanize them all and it will make me realize the damage i will be doing to all these people if i rat him out. I can't sit there consoling them and a few months from now send their dad to jail ... :banghead::banghead:

 

[EveHarrington]

Put yourself first.

The dead don’t care if you go to their funeral.

Why put yourself through such turmoil?

 

[LuckiLee]

I wouldn't go.

Send flowers. A card. Or donate to his favorite charity.

Your car won't start. You have the flu. You sprained your ankle....

Does your family know what happened to you? And do they know you're going to be pressing charges? If they know and want you to go. That's pretty f'd up. No?

If they don't know. I'd find some excuse not to go. If you really want to make an appearance, go when he won't be there. Maybe first thing in the morning on one of his viewing days.

Just throwing some options out there for you. Whatever you decide. Do it for you. And only you. XO

 

[Deleted member 12723]

What would you do in this situation

I would not go, what Leehalf said. Do not do this to yourself okay?

I plan on pressing charges on my abuser and going to the funeral and sitting with his family will make me feel sad for them,

It seems like very bad timing for him to lose his life. I am sorry for the loss that you are dealing with.It is so important to put yourself first if you are going to press charges. You have to put yourself first and surround yourself with very good and safe support. I wish you well in this couragous act that you are going to do and think that you are very brave to do this right thing. Keep us updated on what you will be going through so we can all support you here.:hug::hug::hug:

 

[Joan]

There are so many other ways for you to reach out to his family, especially a few weeks down the line when others start to drop off. Write a note of memories of him, what he meant to you, etc. It is ok to care for you.

 

[nowthisisme]

Put yourself first.

The dead don’t care if you go to their funeral.

Why put yourself throug...

You simplified everything for me:
Put yourself first. :)
Your right, I need to come first.

I wouldn't go.

Send flowers. A card. Or donate to his favorite charity.

Your car won't start. You ha...

Good ideas, I'll send some flowers and tell everyone I came down with a bad stomach virus or something.
And no my family doesn't know yet about the abuse, which is making it VERY hard for me to explain why I am isolating from everyone. Thx for ur advice, I always think others are more important then me.

It seems like very bad timing for him to lose his life.

Yes unfortunately it is very bad timing but i do feel guilty for thinking this way. My heart broke for his wife and younge boys, such a sudden tragic thing to happen to them. So making this about myself makes me feel like crap but i need to be strong and not take my eyes off my goal.

I rely on everyone's support here to keep me moving forward. You guys are amazing and i am so glad i found this site. I think i might start a journal here to keep everyone updated. This is such a hard thing to go through and i am going to face soooo many challenges, starting with my family, I have no idea how they will react to this. I feel like I'm going to brake my parents heart if i tell them what happened. They are going to feel like they weren't able to protect me. (See i always put others before me)

I found a good high profile attorney who specializes in sexual abuse cases, I spoke to her firm and I'm planning to make an appointment with her in the next 2 weeks. I need to get my thoughts straight before i go, I need to be able to clearly express myself to her so we can be on the same page, I need to understand what my options are.

Feel free following me :) I'll keep u posted.

Thanks for ur kind words!!

There are so many other ways for you to reach out to his family, especially a few weeks down the line when...

I love that idea. After reading everyone's comments i decided my well being is more important then anyone else.
I don't think i will ever visit any of them but I can send some flowers or basket with a nice letter with all the good memories i have of him. And maybe some pictures of when we were kids.
Thanks for your sugguestion! :)

 

[ShodokanJenn]

Letters with good memories are so, so valuable. I've been on the other side of that grief (car accident took the life of the woman I love more than life itself), and those "I remember when" letters are the things we clung to most.