Q
questtounderstand
Losty, I have a very similar story and can relate immensely! I have had to learn over the past couple years how to know myself better, and more honest with myself, so that I can see and keep the boundary between myself and my spouse, with PTSD, more clearly and with less (or no) frustration. Tough task!! But I personally, am tremendously better for it; as well, my spouse reaps those benefits in their journey forward.
When my spouse is not 'triggered' we enjoy an amazing, connected, fun, loving, supportive relationship. When triggered, this connection is nowhere to be found as I am the enemy, out to get my spouse, with a maleficent plan to control, demean, undermine, and take from. As you say, ''well then you are arguing and..." defending yourself IS the natural reaction, having your words, intention, and feelings misunderstood and twisted to support their 'triggered' reality, is a defense you will never win. I learned this, the hard way, after exhausting all possibilities and attempts to communicate effectively. I realized that it wasn't a battle that needed to be fought. In fact, it wasn't a battle that even should be fought...it wasn't a battle at all. It was the sad, painful, and triggered reality of a person with PTSD lashing out at me in an effort to protect their traumatized self--it couldn't have less to do with me. I've learned, and trust me, it's a work in progress, to enjoy my wonderful spouse when my spouse is present in today's reality; and when not, when my spouse is gripped by the past, I aim to give space, offer kindness, and take care of myself knowing that my spouse will return at some point in time.
It helps me to imagine a thick black magic marker drawing breaks on a calendar--reminding me which spouse I am dealing with--it is, in essence, two completely different relationships that oscillate randomly and out of my control for the most part (oh, I can make it worse for sure, but not better!). Learning to navigate between the two is not for the faint of heart, nor is it ever easy; but I've found that having compassion for myself, allowing myself to fully feel my own feelings and tend to them, as they happen, is not only the best medicine for me, but it's all I can do--it's all that is under my control. The desire to navigate well, continually learning and looking for ways to improve is sprung from a foundation of true love for my spouse, in it's purest sense. It is also a choice. A choice that I have made and accept full responsibility for choosing this road.
I miss my spouse when PTSD rears it's ugly head; sometimes the abrupt and 'out-of-the-blue' end to joyful, fun-filled days overtaken by aloofness, criticism, and insensitivity bring me to tears in the privacy of my room; and sometimes, hours in, or days in, I yearn for that connection, or I even need that connection...and when that happens I just let myself cry and feel my sadness, my loneliness, my heartbreak for my spouse who is simply overtaken. The tears don't last long these days, and when needed, I reach out to my support group of friends, and other activities that help to steady me and keep me seeing the joy and beauty in the world.
I have faith that my spouses triggered state won't last forever, they never do, that my spouse will return...when? I know I don't know, but that I'm OK waiting...doing my best to be be kind, to never take the bait, and to remain honest to myself, and active in the world...like I said, not an easy task balancing those things, but one that I've concluded is worth it because my spouse is an amazing, wonderful, strong person who I respect, am forever in love with, is my best friend, and this is where I want to be. Losty, I hope that you can relate to something in my story and at least know that you are not alone, what you say makes perfect sense. I can imagine 'a monster taking your beautiful wife.' Taking care of yourself, and understanding your anxiety are paramount and I hope that you are able to focus on yourself--I believe, that will be the key that unlocks the door to healing for both you and your spouse.
When my spouse is not 'triggered' we enjoy an amazing, connected, fun, loving, supportive relationship. When triggered, this connection is nowhere to be found as I am the enemy, out to get my spouse, with a maleficent plan to control, demean, undermine, and take from. As you say, ''well then you are arguing and..." defending yourself IS the natural reaction, having your words, intention, and feelings misunderstood and twisted to support their 'triggered' reality, is a defense you will never win. I learned this, the hard way, after exhausting all possibilities and attempts to communicate effectively. I realized that it wasn't a battle that needed to be fought. In fact, it wasn't a battle that even should be fought...it wasn't a battle at all. It was the sad, painful, and triggered reality of a person with PTSD lashing out at me in an effort to protect their traumatized self--it couldn't have less to do with me. I've learned, and trust me, it's a work in progress, to enjoy my wonderful spouse when my spouse is present in today's reality; and when not, when my spouse is gripped by the past, I aim to give space, offer kindness, and take care of myself knowing that my spouse will return at some point in time.
It helps me to imagine a thick black magic marker drawing breaks on a calendar--reminding me which spouse I am dealing with--it is, in essence, two completely different relationships that oscillate randomly and out of my control for the most part (oh, I can make it worse for sure, but not better!). Learning to navigate between the two is not for the faint of heart, nor is it ever easy; but I've found that having compassion for myself, allowing myself to fully feel my own feelings and tend to them, as they happen, is not only the best medicine for me, but it's all I can do--it's all that is under my control. The desire to navigate well, continually learning and looking for ways to improve is sprung from a foundation of true love for my spouse, in it's purest sense. It is also a choice. A choice that I have made and accept full responsibility for choosing this road.
I miss my spouse when PTSD rears it's ugly head; sometimes the abrupt and 'out-of-the-blue' end to joyful, fun-filled days overtaken by aloofness, criticism, and insensitivity bring me to tears in the privacy of my room; and sometimes, hours in, or days in, I yearn for that connection, or I even need that connection...and when that happens I just let myself cry and feel my sadness, my loneliness, my heartbreak for my spouse who is simply overtaken. The tears don't last long these days, and when needed, I reach out to my support group of friends, and other activities that help to steady me and keep me seeing the joy and beauty in the world.
I have faith that my spouses triggered state won't last forever, they never do, that my spouse will return...when? I know I don't know, but that I'm OK waiting...doing my best to be be kind, to never take the bait, and to remain honest to myself, and active in the world...like I said, not an easy task balancing those things, but one that I've concluded is worth it because my spouse is an amazing, wonderful, strong person who I respect, am forever in love with, is my best friend, and this is where I want to be. Losty, I hope that you can relate to something in my story and at least know that you are not alone, what you say makes perfect sense. I can imagine 'a monster taking your beautiful wife.' Taking care of yourself, and understanding your anxiety are paramount and I hope that you are able to focus on yourself--I believe, that will be the key that unlocks the door to healing for both you and your spouse.
