Help, therapist wants me to stop dissociating and i want help to understand my parts

[shimmerz]

But I’m not sure if I want to come back if that makes sense.

Yeah, I have, by and large, kicked the chronic dissociation. It was a hard thing to do, lots of persistence needed. I will never forget the day that I was in my house. Something had happened, I don't know what. I actually caught myself wanting to dissociate. OMG! I couldn't believe it!

I still catch myself doing so every now and again. Last night, I let myself 'go down'. I also knew why I was affected (which has been the idea behind kicking chronic dissociation). Since I am no longer going into dissociative crap all the time, I am really catching what is putting me into those states. Now it is basically housing stuff, whereas before it was everything. A leaf blowing on the street for chrissakes, because I didn't know what the noise was.

My life has improved (besides the housing) a hundred fold, and in retrospect, I am thrilled that I have a choice now as to when I 'tune out'.

 

[AnD]

We had a session yesterday. It was much better than Monday's session.

She is trying to understand how to help me. It feels very complicated.

I have created a protocol and we sort of tried it out. I think I need to instruct her more on how to use it. I have e-mailed her more details. I have not understood how confused she is about what is going on. I am very confused too.

I dissociate most of my sessions. Sometimes just a general dizziness, unable to think and feel, sometimes a part is co-conscious with me and takes over the body. It is so confusing and scary and heartbreaking, really.

I get paralyzed when I dissociate in therapy. At home, I am not. So maybe I can try the sour candy at home.

She seems to know about dissociation and parts, but she does not have a structure on how to deal with them. This has lead me to create my own structure. And I do need structure.

It is not perfect in therapy. And now we have a Christmas break.

I feel depressed and scared of the world. I don't want to dissociate and have flashbacks in public. And I do. And it sucks every time. And I get so tired from it. So pain-straight-through-the-bones-tired.