Relationship Help to work out what to do next?...

[A13]

Hi guys.

My other half has been doing really great recently.
Coming up to the festive period may be a cause because this isn’t a great time of year.
To make things worse his ex has stopped him seeing his son, so he has began court proceedings which I can imagine isn’t easy as we might not get him over for Xmas this year :(

Getting to the story.. he works as a landscaper and Work has dried up for winter. This is normal but will pick up in new year. So he’s only doing a day/2 days per week. This last week I’ve noticed him sleeping in late and yesterday I mentioned if he was feeling ok? As sleeping to 1 or 2pm is out of character. Today I woke my vet up around 9.30am as he has things to do for going away this weekend with some male friends.

He seemed stressed and grumpy. I asked him about the case if he heard from the solicitor or his ex or what was causing him to seem in bad form?

He went off on one. “I don’t want to talk” I know now I should have said ok and left the room however I said I was concerned about him and he raised his voice and was basically so defensive and repeated “i don’t want to talk I just don’t want to talk.”

I asked him if I had done something that made him upset.

And he just went off on a rant about why do U always need to talk and what part of I don’t want to talk so you not understand. That it’s not all about you!
It turn into an argument and I ended up leaving as I got upset, because I constantly bend over backwards for him and he Hit a nerve as I put him first in everything and he has the audacity to basically say it’s not all about me!

I am wondering is he just struggling atm .. am I best now not to speak to him until he comes to me? As I don’t want a repeat.
If he doesn’t come to me he will be away hunting all weekend from tomorrow il be worried about him but I don’t want to ruin his weekend either. But maybe some space is a good thing??

I’m Just struggling as this hasn’t happened in a while and I feel like I haven’t dealt with it properly. I should have seen that he wasn’t coping. But it’s hard not to take it personally especially as he has been doing so well recently.

Advice please...

 

[Deleted member 44240]

I would like to direct you to the stress cup analogy. It’s quite informative and I believe you’ll understand where he may be.

 

[A concerned spouse]

Oh man, your words sounded like they are the exact words that have come out of my mouth and thoughts. I've been thete so many times and it still catches me off guard. . . You would think that I've gotten used to it and it wouldn't effect me but the sad part about it, it still does.

When my sufferer is doing really good, it's almost like I forget that PTSD is still there and when any type of stress enters his Life, suddenly everything changed and I'm totally off guard and I react in ways that don't help him whatsoever. Believe me it's out of pure love and concern but its the total opisite of what he needes from me.

My sufferer also tells me that he just wants me to leave him alone and stop talking. I have a hard time with that because I'm a communicator. I've realized through therapy that that is a boundary for them and we trample all over it looking for answers. It's not the time or place. We won't find our answers anyway because when the PTSD stress cup overflows, they dont have the answers. They are just trying to get through another day.

Another thing my sufferer says is that its not all about me. That really upsets mebecause in my mind im the one that bends over backwards to accoidate the mood swings and roler coaster ride. It used to puss me off and hurt me when he says that. But ive learned when we push them to talk and dont respect their boundary of giving them space, that's the way they see it. We are pushing for our need of communication against their need of space.

I feel you pain and frustration. I know how insecure and lonely these moments bring. But learning to just let it be and give them the space will defuse the situation a lot. Not taking it personally helps too (though not easy). My therapist told me to not even acknowledge the irritability or withdrawal. Just let them have their mood and feelings and give them the space they desperately need. Dont try to fix it, make it better or offer advice (only if they ask). It's the hardest thing I've ever done but it works. Prayers going your way! Hang in there!

 

[A13]

@A concerned spouse
Thank you for this reply!! :)

This was good for me to read. I feel much the same like I almost forgot that the PTSD was around for a short while. Then BAM!!
I’ve been at home this evening, there’s been a little small talk, earlier hasn’t been mentioned and I can bet he’ll try to slip by as though it never even happened.

 

[A concerned spouse]

Let it slip by like it never happened. It's okay. I know we need or think we deserve an answers but sometimes as my therapist says, they truly don't have an my answers because they don't see the same situation as we did. So calm your nerves and thoughts and remember this has nothing to do with you!

 

[Freida]

I almost forgot that the PTSD was around for a short while

Imagine it from our side. I think I'm doing well, getting better, finally maybe making it go away and then BAM!!!!!! trigger. crap. I let my guard down and now I'm scrambling to find my coping tools and someone I love is blah blah blahiing at me about what's wrong.
I DONT KNOW!!!! its back, I'm scared, I'm falling apart, and I may or may not even know what triggered it. Believe me, I'm happy to share the explanation --- once I figure out what it is.

 

[A13]

@Freida Thank you for giving me it from another prospective!!

Today I didn’t put the shoe on the other foot.
Your reply is very much appreciated!!

 

[A concerned spouse]

@Freida THANK YOU!!!! I don't think you realize what an impact you have on on me as a supporter. You're willi guess to share and explain things the way your mind proceeded them helps me understand so much. Thank you for always being open, honest and willing to put yourself out there to help others. You truly help me see things from my husbands perspective and i cant get that much fro my therapist lol. You are awesome! Just thought you should know that and you ate appreciated!

 

[Sighs]

Sigh! I wish my vet was well enough for me to ever forget about his PTSD. In my world, 24hrs without an "incident" is unusual enough to be considered a "good streak"...

 

[Freida]

@A concerned spouse and @Adm13 believe me it goes both ways! I can't quite get a grasp of what you are saying, but I know its something that if I can just get a grip on will make my life (and hubbys) so much easier....

@Sighs I'm so sorry. I couldn't imagine how hard it would be to not at least get breaks here and there -- for both of you

 

[mumstheword]

My guy and I are both sufferers. What is really bad is when we both trigger each other.

Hugs without words can be good as can just giving space.

I also try finding something to praise and appreciate him about, it has to ring true though.

 

[Hojay]

I’ve had this exact conversation with my sufferer about a million times. My need to communicate clashing with his need of space has been one of the biggest issues for us to cope with.

We’re both right. I don’t think it’s wrong to expect some explanation (even if it’s “I don’t know right now, I’m scared”) and he has a right to want space.

We have a deal now that I let him calm down and he promises to readdress the situation when he’s recollected himself. Sadly he rarely holds up his end of the deal as addressing whatever happened retriggers him. So I’ve been living without a sense of resolution in many cases, which isn’t alright and is becoming a deal breaker for me.

I wish I had better answers, other than, you’re not alone and I know exactly how up in the air, unfair and frightening these situations are.