Help understanding why I allowed husband to do this

[FlyingDove]

My husband is focused on the news politics etc. I over focused too now having symptoms. He is a trauma survivor too. Former military. Why did I not say no sonner? I tried. Was not heard

 

[StillPen]

Welcome to the forum. My personal experience is that setting boundaries is hard and keeping boundaries in place is even harder. I find when I'm not being heard I simply have to remove myself from the room, situation, person. Also, I have to specifically tell my SO that I'm symptomatic, otherwise he cannot tell.

Hope you find some answers here.

 

[FlyingDove]

Thank you. I have done this. More than once. He gets angry blames me etc. I was my families scapegoat. I am no more. I worked on my issues. I got therapy legal help medical treatment. Thank you. I will have to work on this more. I think he is beginning to realize there has been damage done. I can let people be right to the point of self sabotage.

 

[Friday]

I find when I'm not being heard I simply have to remove myself from the room, situation, person.

That’s the actual boundary…

@FlyingDove

Not being heard, because someone else listening (much less agreeing, and or doing whatever we want them to do) isn’t a boundary, but?

X happens =
I do Y, Z, A, B, C.

- Say something
- Leave the room
- Et cetera


Boundaries are what WE have, and what WE do.

Not anything anyone else thinks/feels/does. No one else gets a say.

When someone does A? I do B.

Homeless guy calls me Wonder Woman?
I… what? Smile & nod & play along? Ignore him? Beat him to an inch of his life? Feel like (IE agree with him) that I’m Wonder Woman?

Someone ignores my “no”? Whether it’s no olives on my salad (mixed up order), or no I’m not watching this/ talking about this, or no I am not having sex with you (rape) is going to elicit a very different response, as they’re different boundaries… unless I’m symptomatic as f*ck and olives = rape emotional response… I GET the reaction that I freaking WARNED someone they’re about to cross my boundary, and they did it anyways. Because it’s insult added to injury. Dude. I f*cking WARNED you.

But the boundary itself? Is NOT what other people agree to. It’s what we have, and what we do, regardless of what anyone else does.

***

As to why you allowed him to cross your boundaries for awhile without reacting as you wish to? Pfft. He’s your husband. Our closest/dearest/most beloved we have slightly -to wildly- different boundaries than other people. We cut them more slack, and give them more room, and occasionally? Suffer the consequences of that. Until we’d suffer more from strangers than our nearest & dearest. That’s not wrong. It’s very, very normal. And is also why the people we love the most have the greatest capacity to hurt us. Because sometimes? Even with the extra wiggle room… they STILL barrel on through.

That it hurts you this badly sounds like it’s not a common thing of his, but a surprise?

 

[FlyingDove]

Yes I get taken off guard. I have had help understanding indocrination media bias undue influence etc. He was in the military in war zones. I have a medical condition in remission over 8 years due to pretty strict compliance with medical treatment plans. Unnessary emotional distress could cause it to re- occur. The people who failed to grasp this are either no longer in my life. Or play only a small role. I have had legal help to do this. I fail to understand at times why we let ourselves bring influenced by the psychopathology over taking the world. Thank you for helping me

 

[Kerker2011]

When I'm doing my best to tell my feelings and I feel unheard, I over-explain! If I'm still feeling I'm not heard, I shut down.
I've been trying to figure out the reasons so many try to force others to not express emotions. I've stuffed so much for so long! I want to "feel" each emotion, yet even my therapist will interrupt me and say, "Think of something positive." That instant I want to throw something! Not at her, never at anyone! It's frustration which is a feeling right? I have to force that feeling down just like all the others that I'm not "allowed" to feel!

 

[FlyingDove]

I now allow myself to feel. I had the same experience as you. Not allowed to laugh scream etc. Now I do feel these emotions. It is a gift.

 

[FlyingDove]

I am now just seeing what harm my marriage has done. I don't even understand how I remained seizure free. He is a good person. Has been there always. But preparing for the end of the world? I received a Prevnar 20 vaccine yesterday. Tired today. It is late evening where I am now. I set more boundaries today to help myself. I have no desire to go out unless necessary. My father is not far away from the next domino that will result in nursing home placement or maybe his death. I understand this. I let go awhile back but it causes me grief. I do not feel very safe either.

 

[Friday]

I’m curious how this relates to Anxiety, Panic, & Hypervigilance? Honest question, I don’t do passive-aggressive. I’m expecting that either the answer is so obvious to you that you didn’t include “duh” information …or… that what you’re actually looking at is your PTSD being affected by Relationships or Relationships effecting your PTSD, & just didn’t have the energy to post it in another forum.

But as I didn’t want to make assumptions? Figured the best & fastest way of finding out was simply to ask you

 

[FlyingDove]

Thank you. I can answer yes to both. My husband was pretty difficult. He feels everyone should focus on the news etc. Unfortunately I got into the same behavior leading to compounding stress sleep debt etc. Typical codependent/ trauma behavior. I have stopped. Your post was helpful and I am still learning about this site.

 

[joeylittle]

I am now just seeing what harm my marriage has done.

hi @FlyingDove - I've merged this thread into the one you started that is about how you're being affected by your husband's behavior. It's helpful for readers to follow your story.

Your post was helpful and I am still learning about this site.

We merge threads when they are connected like this. Nothing to worry about - and as you spend more time on the site, you'll get more and more comfortable. If you want to ask staff anything about using the site, please feel free to ask us in the Contact Us area.

But as I didn’t want to make assumptions? Figured the best & fastest way of finding out was simply to ask you

Thanks for that!

Now, back to the topic.

 

[Movingforward10]

Why did I not say no sonner? I tried. Was not heard

Hard for anyone to say. Why do you think you did?

Maybe you were taught not to express yourself as a child? Or to put other's needs before your own?
Maybe you thought it was a small thing that he might change when it first happened?


I think it's really hard knowing, in a relationship with someone, what is compromise and what is sacrifice. Or at least I think I have found that distinction hard. And maybe you thought you were compromising to be in relationship with him when in fact you have sacrificed?
My T helped me to understand that compromise is both people and sacrifice is one person.