I went for a walk because I've been really stressed and know all kinds of crazy chemicals are dumped into my body from it (fight-flight-everything). I also just wanted fresh air and sunshine. I felt sick, icky, but knew this would be helpful. Even as I started walking my head felt really fuzzy, like a tiny bit drugged. I saw a guy cross the street and turn onto the sidewalk. A second later I looked up and he was on the other side of the street, totally opposite corner of the intersection, walking the other direction. It didn't make any sense. So I feel not just like panic symptoms that I was feeling confident trying to manage (until now), but I also feel confused and really f#cking out there. A woman who likes my dog asked about him while we were walking and I answered her questions but couldn't look at her and just sort of pulled my dog along because there seemed to be cars everywhere. Like nothing is "normal."
I'm focusing on whatever seems most normal or grounding. I e-mailed my therapist. I'm NOT going to the clinic or hospital unless I really think something other than panic (or panic that is worse) is happening, or if it gets worse. I refuse to drive anywhere anyway right now and won't call 911 unless I really think I'm dying (I doubt it). If it gets worse or I feel more confusion, I'll call a friend. I should probably write a little list in case people aren't home but I don't want to even think this is a "problem". I think I forgot to take my tiny dose of hormone pill this morning, which I never forget and always take at the same time. So I took it really late, like around noon. That shouldn't matter. But I've already been mega stressed and any meds affect me ridiculously. So hoping the late dose helps and that this just goes away. I've felt depersonalized before, totally not connected to myself, and also sort of caught in all time simultaneously (that's just how I describe it...overwhelming). This is like that but beyond. But I'm sane enough to come on here and describe it. So that makes me feel good. I don't want to think about it too much. But can major stress, like body flooded with stress chemicals, make you so fuzzy you feel confused by plain old surroundings?
I'm going to do some yoga or something on the porch. I don't want to be inside (trapped feelings, even in my own house) but apparently I can't go for a walk either. I have semi-outdoor spaces like a fenced space and a porch, so hoping that feels safe. And maybe watching a funny movie I've already seen. I don't know. I'm not going to hurt myself but I feel way exhausted by my life. Sick of it and like trapped by having to simply be here. Not a very good week.
I'm focusing on whatever seems most normal or grounding. I e-mailed my therapist. I'm NOT going to the clinic or hospital unless I really think something other than panic (or panic that is worse) is happening, or if it gets worse. I refuse to drive anywhere anyway right now and won't call 911 unless I really think I'm dying (I doubt it). If it gets worse or I feel more confusion, I'll call a friend. I should probably write a little list in case people aren't home but I don't want to even think this is a "problem". I think I forgot to take my tiny dose of hormone pill this morning, which I never forget and always take at the same time. So I took it really late, like around noon. That shouldn't matter. But I've already been mega stressed and any meds affect me ridiculously. So hoping the late dose helps and that this just goes away. I've felt depersonalized before, totally not connected to myself, and also sort of caught in all time simultaneously (that's just how I describe it...overwhelming). This is like that but beyond. But I'm sane enough to come on here and describe it. So that makes me feel good. I don't want to think about it too much. But can major stress, like body flooded with stress chemicals, make you so fuzzy you feel confused by plain old surroundings?
I'm going to do some yoga or something on the porch. I don't want to be inside (trapped feelings, even in my own house) but apparently I can't go for a walk either. I have semi-outdoor spaces like a fenced space and a porch, so hoping that feels safe. And maybe watching a funny movie I've already seen. I don't know. I'm not going to hurt myself but I feel way exhausted by my life. Sick of it and like trapped by having to simply be here. Not a very good week.
