Helpless

[Hovu]

I feel helpless. I can't bring myself to seek help and to stay with it. I always quit when it gets a little better. I quit taking the meds and everything. Then months later I get to the point I am at once again. I have thoughts that I shouldn't. I'm going to lay it all out there. I constantly am looking at worst case scenarios everywhere I go. I analyze how to kill anyone near me. I withdraw. I get bad panic attacks that have almost made me pass out, make me sick and give me bad headaches. I don't want to do anything anymore and I lose my appetite. My wife says I think and talk about death to much during these times. And I can't pull myself out of this cycle. I feel like nothing helps and like a failure now cause I had to leave work due to a severe panic attack and I am being put on leave from work cause at the time I freaked due to me almost passing out. And I can't go to work with that happening due to my line of work. I have trouble just existing now. I don't know what to do honestly except to go get help. But I am afraid I will go back to my cycle and quit it all again. I guess time will tell. But I can't keep this up.

 

[Fahic]

Predictable is preventable.

It drives me f*cking insane when I can see my patterns, and can't stop them. So it's not 100%. But it does give you something to work with. Patterns exist for a reason. If you can't hit the pattern & redirect it? IME Start hitting the reason(s) the pattern exists in the first place, start planning for it happening and finding work arounds. Keep coming at it, on different fronts, until you get some traction, yeah?

There's probably damn good reasons you're quitting when things start getting better. So start there. What are you getting out of it? Can you get those things met while also getting help? Can you plan around that? Or, switching up, what is it about getting help that's causing problems bad enough that you're willing to deal with them only when things are completely f*cked? And can that be sorted from the outset? Aka a different kind of help? Something that either doesn't include those problems, or paces them, or in some way changes the game? Or is it something you can start one way, and plan on going a different direction with?

The good news about having this be a pattern, something you know happens, is it gives you a helluva lot of data. Thrash it out. What can you use?

 

[Hovu]

I know that I hate medications. I hate feeling weak. I hate being looked down upon. And I feel like I deal with all of that when I go to get help. The people I talk to never seem to understand how I feel. They always want to medicate me. And they say that if I say certain things. They will hospitalize me and I can't afford to miss work. I am the only one making any money due to other circumstances. I can't be medicated due to me hating it. But I have a vicious cycle with drinking. It helps me but hurts me. I can't find a way to fix my problem and it has led me to the same issues just getting worse and worse. I don't know what else to do. I'm going to try again though. I want to make it through. But sometimes I don't want to or don't think I will. Maybe they can help me this time. Thank you for your response.

 

[Hola]

That's because those same people have an incentive based on money to get you on pills. It's big business in America and these fake smiling psychopaths will lie in your face and prescribe, prescribe, prescribe! But tell you weed is dangerous. HAH..
They look down upon you so they can target you as a pill pusher.
Drinking is hard to get over but ultimately we must work through the pain on your way through in increments.
Anything you utilize in between is basically a band-aid to something that will need to be addressed or confronted at some point.
Everyone's situation is different you said you're the one making the money so... in this shit society alcohol and cigs are legal and very
very lethal. But smoking a joint or a bowl in the afternoon is illegal unless in a legal state..