Here Goes Nothing

[DiamondBug]

I don't really know what to write so this will probably be really disjointed. I have therapy tomorrow and I'm scared as per usual, I feel like he's going to judge me. He doesn't but it just how I feel. I have had two therapist before him and he is the best by a long mile. I was almost forced at my 3rd session into writing a statement for my 1st therapist about me being gang raped and tortured at 11 (those words are poison to me), it was the first time I'd ever let anyone know the extent of what happened to me, he is the only person that really knows fully what they did, but he's reaction wrecked me. It was a really horrendous experience, my second therapist told me if the same thing happened to other children it was my fault because I didn't report it to the police, she might as well of just killed me right there. I went absolutely berserk at her, I honestly nearly lost control and lunged at her, I wouldn't of been able to stop myself if I got my hands on her. So that obviously messed me up more. After that I got sent to some pathways place for people with schizophrenia and multiple personality disorder (which I don't have), I broke down there after being messed about for over 2 years and that's when I was referred to my current therapist, I had to wait another 6 months but now I've finally settled in to seeing John every Friday. I really do like him. I have told him about my second therapist and he was disgusted at her lack of support and really reassured me that what she said wasn't right. But now I'm scared to tell him about the first therapist in case he makes me read it to him, I don't think he would. It's just I remember the look on my 1st therapist face as he read further into the statement, it made me tremble and want to snatch those A4 pages of my horror out of his hand, kick him and leave. He made me feel disgusting, he didn't know what to say and I certainly didn't. He made out his reaction was because he was angry about what happened to me, but I didn't need that, I have enough anger encased in myself to not need anymore in this situation. I don't know why I'm writing this or if this makes sense I suppose it's just a rant. I've been smiling at work for 9 hours trying to look perfect and happy, it's a part of my job and I f*cking hate it. I'm dying and I'm smiling. It's making me well up. I'm telling myself it's going to be okay though, I'm not letting myself die now, I've been through to much to give up. I might of well of given up 10 years ago and I didn't. There's hope. I'll be okay

 

[screen-name]

Therapist are people. Not all therapist are good at their job, not all of them will fit with you, and not all of them should treat trauma.

I also want to make two points for you to consider. The first is boundaries. No one, not a therapist, not a lover, not the president, has the right to make you do something that you do not want to do. You can say no. You could have taken the paper out of your first therapist hands when you didn't like his expression and you can definitely refused to give it to this new therapist. You are allowing people to help you and that's a good step but you are in control. It's ok to desire control over your own self and what you choose to express. It's also ok to simply leave someone that tries to push you past your boundaries.

The second point is self acceptance. You are not where you want to be but you are working. You have some issues but you are learning to deal with that. Things are not what you desire right now but they will be if you keep that up. Until then, you love and accept yourself with all the flaws and pain. You love and accept yourself because you deserve that. You deserve that.

If you like this new therapist then tell him about the first therapy experience. If he wants to know what you wrote say a simple and direct no. If he's good then he'll back off. maybe later you can share that with him but the ability to assert your "no" Will build trust to get to the point of sharing more.

I'm our society (I study sociology) We blame the person who says no as being the one who causes the problem and that gets ingrained in us. It's not a problem to say no, it's a problem to not respect a person's boundaries.

I hope this helps. Just remember you deserve a voice and control and also to love yourself. You deserve that. Just keep saying it until you believe it :)