Relationship Here I Am Again

[BewitchedBewildered]

Really just looking for understanding. I know how this affects me and know I shouldn't accept this, and my decision is made. However, I want to understand.

My ex-sufferer isolated for a year, then suddenly texted me that he missed me and was just under too much stress. We are long distance. I told him I didn't know, we would need to talk face to face. We made tentative plans to get to each other the upcoming weekend. Then he pushed that off due to work. Fine, we are both very work-focused. Then it got pushed off more.

Then I texted him that if he couldn't get here by Oct, I would just go there whether it was convenient or not. He replied he could get here in 2 weeks, which would be Oct 3. But the thing is he's gone radio silent again. It's only been a few days, but it feels like a game. Like he's just effing with my head and heart.

I understand the dynamics of PTSD, but why reach out to me and then just do this to me again? I figured if he reached out to me after all this time, I must be important to him. He agreed to my terms, so why bail??? I told him once if he didn't want to do this, I'd be fine. He swore he wanted to see me. So...why?

I didn't even get to decide what I wanted. And yes, any time it took longer than a few minutes for him to respond, id think that's it. But now it's been a few days. I just wish I understood.

I'm just looking for insight. I know I deserve better.

 

[franciemarnie]

You definitely deserve better.

He may go in and out of states of dissociation, fight or flight, and periods of normalcy. When he feels fine, I am sure he means what he says and feels. Then he goes under unpredictably, and that non-feeling feels real -- it is at the moment he has it -- and he has none of the feeling he had when he contacted you. Maybe he doesn't get it, and confuses you with different states of feeling in PTSD. He may become demoralized and depressed. I don't know if he drinks. Then maybe he goes in an angry state. Who knows in the end I guess.

But whatever he is doing, you are the one I am thinking of. This cannot be pleasant and he doesn't seem to change, except briefly. You deserve someone consistent who is there for you. He may be a great guy underneath, but he's got problems. If he acknowledged them and apologized for how they affect you and was working on getting better, that's one thing. But as it is...

Only you know what works for you. I want you to be happy.

 

[whserenitynluv]

I wouldn't jump to anything until the 3rd... Maybe call him up. Or text. As someone with ptsd, my friends who have made that little but not overly codependent effort were the ones I felt safe with. The fear of rejection might run so deep that he's running. If he's getting help I wouldn't be so quick to judge. If you two made it official and he bailed for a year, I would wonder why this is a question. Hope that helps :)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I can't help but wonder if you're blaming all of this on PTSD but it may be that he is just a jerk? Let me explain. I have had an on-again-off-again "situation" with a guy for the last FOUR years. Yeah, that's pretty long, right? We've never officially been together as in a couple. I finally got sick of it all this year and decided to move on. Somehow he has this sixth sense where he knows to contact me when I'm doing just fine and lay on the "I love yous" and the "I want to see yous" But, I am done. I am tired of him wanting me only when I don't want him. He needs to grow the hell up. Its so nice to be in relationships where the guy can bring it just as hard as I can and not get scared off, showing me zero interest as soon as I show the slightest bit of interest in him.

Maybe this guy is partially playing games with you. He wants you until you want him, then he gets bored and just forgets about you. He knows that you'll always be there because you always have been. Why should he make an effort when he knows he doesn't have to?

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I guess I give him too much leeyway with the PTSD, but we were in a committed relationship for 2.5 years. I learned a lot of the signs of his PTSD, but I'm sure not all. In that time he isolated once for about 2 weeks and once for a little over a month. Looking back I did not set enough boundaries.

This time I told him, honestly, I did not know if he could be in my future. That I could not and would not pretend the last year did not happen, but I was willing to talk. But that meant face to face since we had in the past dealt with too many deep topics over the phone. He said he understood and agreed to it. I also have told him I wanted limited interaction until we talked in person. He did push that once, but I held firm. I want him to touch base, but do not want to be charmed back in.

I need to see him face to face to gauge if, I'm not even 100% sure what. So, I can judge if he gets how much he hurt me or if he cares. We have a past. He was good to me, unreliable at times. Self-focused sometimes, but he was, or I believe he was, always honest with me. I don't know, maybe seeing him would make it worse for me. Maybe it's closure for me. Maybe I don't want to turn away from him like so many have. I wish I could fully explain it. I have discussed it with my T and she agrees I need this face to face. However, if he cops out I'm done. I may already be done.

Don't get me wrong, I believe he uses his PTSD sometimes asan excuse to avoid accountability. But I also know that if he faces being accountable, he thinks he's a bad man.

But it's real, I know that too. I've seen his pain. And what's scary to me is that I think I've only seen the tip of his iceberg, if that makes sense. I don't know if I'm being a fool or not, but I would like to see if I can be in his life again. Maybe that's just as a friend. I just don't know, but I'm not ready to turn my back on him, as long as he follows through. I have my deadline and I will stick to it. We will see.

And he did text me this evening, so I will just let it be and see if he shows. And if he does I will decide how to proceed. But I know that if he stays in my life will be my choice and will be by my boundaries. At least that's my plan. Only time will tell.

 

[franciemarnie]

In the end, you know yourself, your heart and mind. You know what will allow you to sleep at night. It sounds like you have thought this through thoroughly and just have a delimna.

For me, sometimes I would intellectually know it was not okay what was going on, but emotionally I wasn't ready to let go. I had to see it through to the point where I knew I could sleep at night with my decision.

Matters of the heart - sometimes it's not so simple. On paper yes, not equally so clear inside me.