Here I Go Again.

[Upside Down Eagle]

This is a rant about feeling revolted and suicidal. I don't know if I have any purpose writing it. Maybe I think you guys can cheer me up a bit, because let's be honest, you have cheered me up many times.

I was rabid and tense the entire weekend. I went running to ease the tension, but on the way back, I became conscious of my hair touching my ear again and I am so revolted by that feeling. I couldn't take it anymore -I started pulling my hair out in public. It was night. Lucky for me. They would have called 911 probably if somebody had spotted me like that.

I spent the entire F%#@ weekend doing those (!!!) relaxation techniques. I did breathing, I did progressive muscle relaxation, I did the Tibetan rites, I did meditation, I sung. Finally this morning I seemed to be doing a little better. But I still felt controlling and tense, like I had to absolutely be in charge of every little thing. I binge watched Friends the entire morning instead of doing those F%#@ exercises. Big mistake.

Someone kissed on the show and the sound of it threw me back into screaming and self-harming again. I should have never watched the (!!) show but I thought I deserved a break after the weekend. I am so angry that this is happening. I don't want this to happen. I have a good life. Fun things happen in it. But I can't enjoy it, I'm always focused on things that don't matter, like hair.

If I weren't so embarrassed about it, I'd grab a freaking shaving razor and shave myself bald.
Apparently I still have some levels to sink to.

Pfff...

:mad: :cry: :cry:

 

[Friday]

LOL... I've been bald! Correction. 1/2 cm. Durn close. I don't really have the bone structure to look good that short, although many women do, and as it grows out I look like a savaged Qtip (sigh. Curly hair :hungover:) Although I've had some fun with shaved sides and faux-hawk & gel. A whole lot of gel :D But I have seriously played with my hair over the years. Including buzzing it all -or part- off a few times. (Should have buzzed it off after I got sick of how scratchy my dreadlocks were, but my mom had combed them out twice when I was a kid -each time I came home from summer break with surfer locks-, and I got all stubborn, that if it took her 3 days to do it, I should be able to, too!)

If you like the appearance of long hair, but can't stand it touching you... Have you tried braids? It's fiendishly expensive in the states (costs hundreds at a salon), but I've gotten it done for $25-$50 in African communities. No idea if it would help at all to cap your hair at 1-2cm, and then have 1,000+ teeny tiny braids of synthetic hair put in (or if it would be too triggery to even have it done in the first place)... But it feels very different than having long / natural hair. I like the tiny (0.20 cm) glossy kind best (feels like a satin pillowcase), other people get bigger (0.5-1cm) glossy-rough textured braids.

If you just can't stand ears... Shaving the sides and French-braiding the top and back could be a totally edgy/sexy/cool look, as well.

I know you think hair is silly, or that it would be sinking to a lower level to do something about it... But at least in my own life, there are so many things I can do nothing about, I like turning problems around that I can do something with.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

It isn't the hair that is the problem really. Although I appreciate your input :) And yeah I have thought about shaving the sides off. But honestly I think it would just contribute to me running away from my problems. Not sure...

I could use a change for sure, but I don't want "running" (a.k.a the "flight response") to be the reason for me to cut my hair. It would feel like a bad reason. I'd have short hair out of fear. Or that's what it feels like. But maybe it does make sense... I dunno... :wacky:

 

[Friday]

I think it definitely depends on how you look at it.

One way, it's running.
Another way, it's taking power back.
A third way, it's having the freedom to change what you dislike.

 

[Owl.]

I'm gonna go ahead and agree with @FridayJones here. It COULD be seen as running, but IMHO, it's definitely taking power back.
You'd basically be taking a trigger and telling it to GTFO of your life, that it doesn't control YOU, but you control IT. How many other triggers can you do that with?
Wouldn't even have to be permanent, hair will always grow back, so when you decide it's time to face that particular bit of music, you can and will.
The way I see it, it'd be a temporary break for you. You've got enough crap on your plate, ridding yourself of the one thing that would be the "easiest fix" (none of this is easy, but you know what I mean) wouldn't be running, it'd be damn smart - and if you ask me, chicks with short hair are the best anyway. ;)

 

[shimmerz]

I have a real problem with the running thing too. I hate avoidance and when it came out in full force I wanted to fight it like a she-bear. Then I realized that there were certain things I was not ready to fight. Things that, when I fought them, would totally take me over and put me into a VERY bad state.

That is when I learned to pick my battles. I wasn't avoiding, I was learning how to be smart about the battle. Let's face it, going up against a fully armoured dude with a huge gun is not smart when I am dressed in a t-shirt and shorts with no shoes or weapon. So, I gather my resources as time goes on and when I feel like I am matched properly is when I choose a tougher opponent.

How this relates to hair? No idea. I think only you can answer that one. But if you see that SI is happening because you can't completely deal with blowing this trigger out of the water, then I suggest that you fight the battle a different day and get creative to cope in the meanwhile.

 

[rightkindofme]

Many spiritual traditions believe that you store grief in your hair. Shaving your head periodically is a way of letting go of things that are hanging on in ways you don't want them to hang on. I've shaved my head twice, once at 17 and once at 31. I don't have the best skull, but it was a good choice both times.

Hair will grow back. If it is annoying, why bother?

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Well guys... the topic of hair has been coming back to me a lot, and your reactions helped me realize that a change doesn't necessarily mean I'm running from my problems :) You are absolutely right, about it being one of the few triggers I can actually get out of the way.

Many spiritual traditions believe that you store grief in your hair.

You know, it's weird, but it feels exactly like what you just describe. I feel like I am quite literally dragging around this load and it would be good for me to get the load off and feel unburdened again. I just needed the motivation.

For that reason, I have stuck the scissors in my hair tonight and I have trimmed it around the ears, in a way that now forces me to see the hairdresser :D So I will be going tomorrow. Woaaah... big change. I am going for radically shaven at the sides, maybe throw in a bit of color...

That is when I learned to pick my battles.

I do already have a bunch of battles to fight. I can relate your story to my thing, but also to my other triggers. Maybe I need to stop pretending that I am such a hard ass (because I love pretending that) and just give myself a break. I will check in with you guys to tell you how it feels! :happy:

 

[rightkindofme]

I love coloring my hair. It is so much fun. :D I had 6 colors at once for a while.

 

[shimmerz]

I fought with myself when I got my hair cut last time to not have it shaved off completely. There was almost a sense like I was completely wanting to change my identity, like when I want to change my name.

 

[Anarchy]

The only difference between a good haircut and a bad one is;

about ten days

The really annoying bit is when it is just the right length for the cut ends to whack you in your eyes when the wind blows it, but too short to tie back or plat, but I'm guessing that some gel would solve that problem for the short time that it takes to grow out.

a really short cut is cold at first, but it uses so little shampoo, it dries in seconds, and a hat is dirt cheap... I use one of the floppy eared German tank crew hats to keep the frost from eating my ears...

:hug: A

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I went to the hairdresser :bag:
And I came out looking absolutely awesome!

It feels so good to have a short haircut again. No more annoying trigger hair.
I made the right decision. With inspiration from you guys :happy: Thanks!!