Here's The Shit Sandwich I've Been Choking Down The Past Quarter Century...

[reddy4765]

I have three things to talk about:
1. getting the shit beaten out of me as a kid thanks to mentally ill mom.
2. coming down with severe ME, going without food heat and medicine, and having the shit simultaneously beat out of me.
3. never, ever, ever being believed. docs think that the fatigue and pain is in my head, police wouldn't respond to my cries for help.

I've never really tried to write abt this before, but I hope that with comments, etc from the community will find the encouragement to go on. the details are pretty fuzzy too, probably for good reason.

 

[MrsBeasley86]

I know it's hard to open up about things. But I'm proud of you for starting. Its a big step. Im sorry that you had to go through those things. There are so many people here that you can relate to. I have found this site to be very helpful. You are not alone here!!

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

:hug:

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Its good that you are opening up here, and its truly awful that you went through all of that stuff. I know how hard it can be to talk about such things, especially after being treated so badly. I am sorry for you.

Welcome to the forums, hopefully this place helps as much as it did to so many others

 

[reddy4765]

thanks to all for the support.

I am really not sure how to write about this as I don't really have access to all of what happened and I think I don't really want access. honestly at this point I'm not even sure that I have ptsd anymore: I don't tend to feel nervous, I'm not on edge, the only thing which really bothers me anymore is when someone shows up at my door unexpectedly, and there's the sudden noise of them knocking and there they are. when I was a kid, the only reason anyone ever came to my bedroom door was to hurt me. so I always jump at people showing up at the door.

my mom has always been good at garnering sympathy no matter what she did, while I am always the bad daughter. as a teenager I was being abused both at home and at school; I became depressed: I was troubled. when I fell very ill as a teenager, I was even more troubled, but not enough to score a doctor's visit. I couldn't get them to pay my GP, but the shrink was a close family friend who knew their friends, so they couldn't avoid paying her. I would show up there and ask for pain meds and not tell her anything for fear that she'd give me away. I think she guessed some of the abuse but not all of it. I wasn't working much and was unable to pay for much besides food and rent, so I stopped buying medication and instead used sewing pins as defacto acupuncture needles. it sounds terribly painful but was actually an improvement on what I had to endure every waking moment.

I don't remember much of the abuse, but I think most of my family is on the psychopathic spectrum: not an empathetic bone in their body. I've spent enough time with them that I feel I lost most of mine. maybe it's the fatigue, but I can't find it in me to show genuine love or support to the other people suffering on this forum; when I read these stories I am right there with you; but I'm cold and dead inside and have nothing to give. I once self-dxed this as emotional or caregiver burnout (I once worked in that role) but maybe a symptom of ptsd.

 

[reddy4765]

I think I've finally realized why I resent kids so much.

I think for a lot of people childhood is a time of easy narcissism, a chance to be loved and adored by parents looking for an excuse to live vicariously thru someone else.

in my family, it was about being terrorized by a mentally ill parent who couldn't be bothered to admit that she had a problem and therefore place the blame on herself. problems in your marriage? it's definitely your five year old's fault.

I think I was fairly happy until the age of seven or so, there were some minor incidents, but then my mom became more and more emboldened by her seeming invincibility and punishments became constant and frequent. what the punishments were for I never knew.

I was a big girl before I hit double digits. I was serious, cynical, and unable to relax. I've felt that same cynicism ever since.

I'm kind of fascinated that anyone grows up in an environment where they receive any kind of positive attention at all. which is nurturing and positive and fosters growth. as I remember most of my teachers were pretty mean, even giving my mom a run for her money. I never really understood the point of being there and kind of dropped off the radar as much as possible.

 

[The Albatross]

Welcome Reddy. Relate to the beatings, and needing but not receiving some medical treatment (for me it was mostly broken bones) not though that I can attribute any of them to the physical abuse in my bio family. Ironically I did get some medical treatment but remained undiagnosed for my physical ailments til I was in my 40's.

 

[reddy4765]

but remained undiagnosed for my physical ailments til I was in my 40's.

wow! how did they get away with that?! glad to be speaking to someone who can relate.

 

[The Albatross]

Basically symptoms were overlooked because by the time I emancipated myself at 17 I had become convinced by the prevailing opinion of all that it was in my head. I bought into the idea until eventually I had no immune system and became desperate to find out what was wrong.

 

[PreciousChild]

I think I've finally realized why I resent kids so much.

I think for a lot of people childhood is a t...

I don't resent kids, but I totally get what you're saying here. I can hardly believe anyone has had a normal childhood, and am shocked when I learn that someone has. For example, after a friend of a friend had a second wedding ceremony, she had us over to her house where her family were viewing old family photos. The parents were supportive and loving both in the childhood pictures and throughout our visit there. It struck me hard how different my upbringing and relationship with parents was, and what a different life I would have lead had I had parents who were like that.

I also do resent it sometimes that I had to deal with so much crap when others got off so easy. When I see people who seem to have an easy, nice life, I sometimes feel the sting of their fortune. But most of the time, I am persuaded that my experiences did help ground me in a deep way.

 

[reddy4765]

Basically symptoms were overlooked because by the time I emancipated myself at 17 I had become convinced by the prevailing opinion of all that it was in my head. I bought into the idea until eventually I had no immune system and became desperate to find out what was wrong.

what did you have? they tried to gaslight me too, it was terrible. my immune system is in the toilet as well, I assume it's some epigenetic consequence of growing up under severe stress, or maybe endorcrine burnout.

I never believed them tho, just was too sick and didn't have the resources to pursue the problem. I don't know if this is a modern dilemma, as many people here seem somewhat functional despite all they've been thru; perhaps they got the financial support they needed. I have been barely able to work my entire adult life.

 

[reddy4765]

But most of the time, I am persuaded that my experiences did help ground me in a deep way.

really? in a lot of ways I feel like my lack of supportive relationships (and inability to engage in them) is at least partially responsible for my chronic feelings of being rundown, needing solitude & solace. I don't think anything good came out of the abuse: it screwed up my body and my mind; my hypothalamus is permanently damaged, I get to spend the rest of my life recovering from someone's shitty and thoughtless behavior.