He's anti counseling

[caligirl03]

My bf, a combat vet with PTSD and TBI, and I have started discussing marriage. I told him I’d like to do premarital counseling first, and he told me he finds the whole premise so stupid and unnecessary, that you figure things out together as a couple as you go along, and that I was sucking the fun out of it by turning it into a "chore." Then he said he’d very reluctantly do it for me, but he doesn’t really want to do it through a church since he’s no longer religious, and he also hates the VA. I guess I should take the “win” where I can, but I also feel like he's fighting me at every turn with his shit attitude, and I also don’t want to have to drag him kicking and screaming and not have him really participate either. It also makes me feel like he's just trying to get by with the bare minimum rather than actively strive to be the best versions of ourselves we can be for each other, ESPECIALLY given our history and his diagnosis. It hurts and a part of me can't help but wonder if his aversion to therapy of any kind could be due to a fear of dredging up other things he's tried so hard to bury.

 

[EveHarrington]

Is he kicking and screaming at every turn or just with this?

 

[Hojay]

Yep, mines averse to counseling and therapy too. It’s beyond frustrating and doesn’t help with my outlook on the whole deal. But that’s a different story. Do you think it could help if you let him set the ground rules? If he’s afraid something could come up that he doesn’t want discussed, he could say so beforehand. Eg, war, maybe even PTSD as a whole. Though it’s such a huge elephant in the room, you can tell him it would be ok for him to merely say “he’s been dealing with things” and leave it at that for starters. I know it’s important for a sufferer to feel in control over what they are asked to go into or discuss. It could be worth giving him that and maybe he will open up once he gets to know the person and environment.

 

[grit]

I will boldly recommend, you do not get married yet and just enjoy what you have. This kind of issues are not why people go to premarital counselling. These kind of issues are fundamental and one must be motivated enough to seek help.

Unless there are other urgent reasons to get married, I would say hold off the marriage and see if you two can first reach a place where saving your relationship is enough motivation without anyone twisting an arm.

 

[caligirl03]

I will boldly recommend, you do not get married yet and just enjoy what you have. This kind of issues are not why people go to premarital counselling. These kind of issues are fundamental and one must be motivated enough to seek help.

Unless there are other urgent reasons to get married, I would say hold off the marriage and see if you two can first reach a place where saving your relationship is enough motivation without anyone twisting an arm.

Hold off until when? He's always going to have PTSD...

 

[grit]

Hold off until when? He's always going to have PTSD...

Then why get married? or even bother counselling?

 

[LuckiLee]

PTSD and TBI are very serious diagnoses'. And need to be addressed in therapy. Usually for YEARS. Planning a wedding and marriage will stress him the f*ck out. If he had some tools for managing his stressors that would help. Be prepared for ALL of his symptoms to come out. Marriage counseling is to discuss children, parenting, arguing, etc. etc. I think @grit is right. Hold off until he decides to get the help he needs and deserves. This is just my opinion and we all know what they say about those. Hugs to you!!

 

[Friday]

I would totally do premarital counseling if Robin Williams were our counselor :sneaky:

Less than that you’d probably have to zip tie me and toss me in the trunk.

 

[EveHarrington]

I also feel like he's fighting me at every turn with his shit attitude,

I’m confused why you think marriage is a good idea if this is happening.

Shouldn’t you still be in somewhat of a honeymoon stage right now (even though we know that isn’t 100% real) where you giddily want to ride off into the sunset with each other and will do anything for one another? (You get my point.)

 

[Friday]

It hurts and a part of me can't help but wonder if his aversion to therapy of any kind could be due to a fear of dredging up other things he's tried so hard to bury.

Presenting yourself to a stranger, to have them tell you why your beloved should run for the hills, rather than marry you? Tends to figure fairly high in my own aversion. I will not go willingly to my own execution.

Shouldn’t you still be in somewhat of a honeymoon stage right now

:hilarious: After 4+ years with someone, with a child, to still be in the honeymoon stage would require a miracle of the highest order! Or some kind of very specific brain damage.

 

[Sweetpea76]

You guys do know that PTSD relationships evolve into PTSD marriages sometimes? It's a process. This is part of the process. Figuring this stuff out.

My vet is sometimes very open to treatment and sometimes very resistant to treatment. Shit happens over the years.

I can see why you're frustrated @caligirl03. Couples counseling before marriage is probably a good idea.

 

[EveHarrington]

Presenting yourself to a stranger, to have them tell you why your beloved should run for the hills, rather than marry you? Tends to figure fairly high in my own aversion. I will not go willingly to my own execution.

:hilarious: After 4+ years with someone, with a child, to still be in the honeymoon stage would require a miracle of the highest order! Or some kind of very specific brain damage.

Sorry I don’t have everyone’s story memorized.

I just don’t see the point in getting married if it’s already turning to shit and the ptsd sufferer refuses to get help. Seems like a catastrophe waiting to happen.