He's anti counseling

[Sweetpea76]

There is a difference between all shit and periodic shittiness over the years. As rough as it's ever gotten with my vet, there is always more good than bad. I'm sure we're not unique that way.

Rough patches don't automatically make a relationship toxic or bad. There are a lot of factors in play when it comes to long term relationships. Abuse, manipulations, toxic behaviors, no respect for boundaries... that's one thing. Symptomatic partners being challenging at times, or being challenging about certain things, but otherwise being good partners, are another.

You learn to make judgement calls. Also, this is the supporter section. Supporters come here when they're frustrated looking to vent and get advice. It's not going to be a wall of "my partner is awesome" posts. That's stuff for Facebook walls and valentines cards.

 

[Hojay]

And...I’m baffled by some of the responses here. This thread is about counseling, not about whether or not she should marry the guy. I’m assuming @caligirl03 knows who she’s marrying and why. The fact that he’s averse to counseling doesn’t mean he’s unfit for marriage. It means he’s averse to the idea of speaking to a stranger about his marriage. Many non sufferers would have an issue with it too. It’s a different story whether or not she should make counseling a prerequisite to marriage. And if so, how to enforce that boundary. I think that’s something worth thinking about. But heck if I’m going to call into questions whether she should marry him or not. I don’t know either if these people personally. I think we need to be careful with assumptions and projections sometimes...

 

[LuckiLee]

I think therapy for the PTSD should precede the marriage counseling. I guess that's just me. I would imagine most of the issues will relate to the PTSD, TBI diagnosis. Good luck!

 

[Justmehere]

Then he said he’d very reluctantly do it for me, but he doesn’t really want to do it through a church since he’s no longer religious, and he also hates the VA. I guess I should take the “win” where I can, but I also feel like he's fighting me at every turn with his shit attitude, and I also don’t want to have to drag him kicking and screaming and not have him really participate either. It also makes me feel like he's just trying to get by with the bare minimum rather than actively strive to be the best versions of ourselves we can be for each other, ESPECIALLY given our history and his diagnosis.

It's fair to be frustrated. It would be great if he was gung-ho on gaining tools to make it work well. I'd also take this as a win that he's willing to go. It is actually a sign that he is trying to meet you part way, even if he is dragging his feet about it.

To be fair, pre-martial counseling worth anything does require some hard work and assessment of the relationship. There is considerable risk. It makes sense to sort out things now, rather than post-marriage. But. It is a risk.

part of me can't help but wonder if his aversion to therapy of any kind could be due to a fear of dredging up other things he's tried so hard to bury.

Very likely.

Therapy for people without trauma is sometimes about feeling better and being encouraged. It's like a mental spa / session with a coach who teaches skills to grow.

Therapy for trauma survivors is more like walking through the fires of hell-on-earth, and working your ass off to not destabilize so bad while doing so that you end yourself. I mean, sure, skills on how to be your best self and have better relationships can be learned along the way. And. It can also really undo a person.

I'd suggest seeing if you can find a pre-marital counselor with significant experience with trauma to help reduce chances this will backfire and undo whatever stability he has now.

 

[Abstract]

Hi,
I don't know your backstory I'm afraid so please ignore what isn't useful.

The main thing I believe is:
if someone has PTSD and isn't able to manage the PTSD well enough to be in a healthy enough relationship - AND they are not willing to get treatment, then committing to a relationship with them is pretty concerning. I don't know if he has or has not ever had any treatment or not, has skills to cope with the PTSD symptoms, has awareness of the what where and how and is actively working on recovery in some way. If not then its concerning, for you. If yes then thats fine.

Will qualify what I said by sharing I have not been able to get to any form of therapy for years and years - there is ZERO way I could have done it - and that if I was evaluating having a relationship with me I would say a big NO and run. And I do have skills, have had masses of therapy in the past, actively work on myself all the time and am relatively functional these days. Won't derail this by sharing why I wouldn't be in a relationship with me but just want to point out long prognoses of the relationship is going to be significantly affected by how well he can manage his condition. He may be doing this all already.

If not and it was me I would require that he be actively working on recovery and have long terms plans to continue that before you get married. And show progress. Rather than relationship counselling.

PTSD is one thing. Managed/unmanaged PTSD is another.

 

[OrangeJulius]

Congratulations on discussing the next step in your relationship! I am glad you brought this up because this is something I anticipate discussing eventually.

I always think about premarital counseling as a way to ensure that you and your partner are on the same path in life. You have the same ideas about wanting kids, how you intend to raise them and what values are most important in your lives. My parents taught a Catholic marriage prep class in our home when I was growing up so its not really weird to me. To me, the advantage of it is discussing things that I wouldnt have really thought to discuss with my partner. That said, if that's how you view it also, maybe you can get a premarital counseling book and go through it together? That way the questions you haven't thought of will come up, but you're not necessarily discussing them with a third party. Would he be more comfortable with that?

 

[Freida]

Hubby and I were together for 17 years before I was finally diagnosed. Some of it was great...some not so much- - but starting treatment was hell. For both of us. It's hard to explain what a nightmare treating ptsd is....I was totally unprepared for it. There is no way I could have juggled getting married and doing treatment.

But we have done couples counseling along the way to work on our marriage. Just that...communication skills, learning how to fight more effectively, how to live together. So I know that part can be done.

Getting help for ptsd is still seem as an epic fail for a lot of vets, so can you set exactly what you expect from couples counseling ahead of time? Write it down so he can see it...so he doesn't have to worry about getting ambushed about "his issues" while you are there. That might go a long way toward getting him on board - if he knows that he won't have to talk about things that are off limits

 

[Tinyflame]

I would see your mutual attempts to discuss and resolve this issue practise for all the other times you would have to resolve many issues, in a future potential marriage.

I don't know much about pre-marital counseling, but I do feel it's important for each person to face their own expectations of what their partner's presence they think is going to mean for them. And separate their expectations, hopes and dreams from the reality of what is possible for their (future) spouse to give. And to realize that is the case for both people. And along with learning how to communicate, more so recognize if the other person likely wants to or will, and how they communicate. I believe we learn much, but we don't create or remove other's motivation's or thoughts. We can make it more or less attractive by how we present things or how we respond, but even these if authentic are done respectfully, but factors like how much your partner trusts you or is influenced by your suggestions, is still up to them. And more reflective of the relationship overall, than just the particular problem. JMHO though.

I see it this way, and maybe it's far too simple: when one person cares deeply for another (especially in this instance/ pre- marriage), they can naturally want to make their partner happy. But if the other partner disagrees, or views it that differently, it doesn't mean they don't care. And for that 1st partner to think they don't care, is not taking in to account they too should want to make their partner happy, and should be respectful of their partner's feelings about it. But that deep residing respect for each other's feelings, may or may not be present.

I don't think that's a ptsd thing. Ptsd and triggering off trauma reminders just complicates it further. As @Justmehere said. Which doesn't mean a resolution isn't possible. Just that you might have more success with a different approach or tweaking the approach. 'Conventional' ways may not be as successful or attractive as something more unique.