General He's Driving Me Nuts!

[BehindBlueEyes]

I have always been the type of person that likes a plan. I like a cushion of money, I like to plan ahead. Every now and again I like the unexpected but for the most part I like organization.

My M has been just the opposite since the beginning of his ptsd. He is very hard to motivate and just wants to push things off till later. I have a close relationship with my family and that is new territory for him, but I've asked him to go on our family vacation with us. He is impossible to get a yes or no from in order to buy plane tickets and such. He just says he doesn't know what he will be doing and keeps insisting that I make plans on my own and he will work around them. I feel he is avoiding the commitment and doesn't really want to go. I've tried to talk to him about things but he just keeps pushing it back and "we will figure it out". So my heart is breaking thinking he won't be going with us, but should I just go on my own ? I'm torn between my family and my fiancé and it's really bothering me.[DOUBLEPOST=1401416820,1401416757][/DOUBLEPOST]Also, this is all on top of trying to plan a wedding. And with that he won't even help me to decide on a rough date, let alone anything else. He just keeps pushing all the planning aside. Any advice?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Well....I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but a wedding may seriously do him in. I was the sister of the bride with my only obligations being to show up to the rehearsal dinner, the wedding, reception, and to make one of the wedding favors. Really minimal when you think about it. I was so incredibly sick for the next month. I had fatigue beyond belief, and my doctors did so many tests on me because nothing pointed to anything, but I was incredibly physically ill. A wedding is stressful for those in perfect health. If he's not doing well right now, you may want to put it off, especially if he is putting off all of the planning already. I've already decided that I am either eloping or never getting married. My body simply cannot be put through that times 10, seeing as how I would be the bride. {Edited to add.... There was nothing wrong with me other than the effects of extreme stress. It finally went away on its own.}

Anything, and I do mean anything can be a stressor, so I am not surprised that he is putting everything off. It is probably how he minimizes his stress level. I think this is going to have to be one of those things where you are going to have to bend more than he does. The unfortunate thing about PTSD is the incredible unpredictability. My family is always telling me that I have my good days, and while this is true, what prevents me from being a fully functioning member of society is the unpredictability of the disorder. I mean we never know when a bad symptom will hit. I know you like planning ahead and such, but I have a feeling that if you don't learn to accept this part of the disorder, then it will just end up driving you nuts and he will pull away even more. Flexibility is really the name of the game so to speak.

 

[LadyAnne92]

Oh, that's rough...if it were me, I would step back and let him do his own thing. In my experience with my boyfriend with PTSD, pressure makes him balk. I usually lay the plan in front of him once, and then leave it to him to respond. My reasoning behind this is that I don't know his PTSD well enough to know what triggers him or makes him uncomfortable...and he isn't very inclined to give me details at this point. I have been guilty of pushing him into an activity that was fraught with triggers. In my experience, if a man truly wants to do something, he will take initiative after the first offer. Unless forgetfulness is part of the equation, I am willing to bet he is trying to figure out what is going to be involved with said vacation. He also probably feels like he will be under a microscope, so to speak, with your family, and that is a very uncomfortable proposition when he knows he'll likely be battling more triggers than normal.

With my sweetheart, since he is somewhat of a homebody due to his issues, the only way I can encourage him to get out more is to do it myself. Like I said, I mention the "plan" once, and leave the ball in his court. If he doesn't act on it, he has to watch me walk out the door heading to have a good time. It turns into good thinking time for him...it usually leads to him deciding he doesn't want to miss out on the next outing.

That being said, I am always very careful when I enact this plan that I do it with the right attitude...a relaxed, carefree one. Don't let it get to you. The biggest thing I am learning about being a PTSD supporter is that we can't take things personally. Usually the battle going on in their heads has nothing to do with us.

 

[Alfred.Greene]

I have had ptsd snake in and out of my life. Various symptoms, and other things crop up here or there, and it is always changing for me.

It takes a new kind of person sometimes to deal with your issues. It takes a lot of self-growth. Sometimes the world thinks you can be you, and just put all that energy into living your life. Well, no always, sometimes I have to find the strength to look over the next hill.

So he may not be able to cope with "plans". Just help him, talk to him about it, the worst you can do is try to force him into anything. Give him options, and help him, I know he has changed, but it's not his choice. It came, it happened, he can deal with the PTSD, or it can deal with him. Trust me, don't let the PTSD take control of his life. He has to cope with PTSD, and you will have to cope with him.

You two gotta work it out.

 

[LilBit]

This is something I had to learn. In my upbringing it is considered a very poor character trait, not being able to make and keep commitments. So it took a while for me to truly understand that my friend with ptsd isn't exhibiting poor character or being two-faced. Sometimes she has symptoms which keep her from doing things regardless of who it is. Physical and mental symptoms. And sometimes it is her closest friends and family, but she can deal with the superficial friends or stuff that just has no personal consequence for her. If you don't learn to roll with that, I don't think you can be successful.

 

[nursenurse]

If this is your wedding you are planning, I would be taking a long, hard look at it. Go for some pre marital counselling before hand if this stuff frustrates you now, what is a lifetime going to do? I hope regardless he is getting help. Good luck.

 

[Dallizzt12]

If this is your wedding you are planning, I would be taking a long, hard look at it. Go for some pre marital counselling before hand if this stuff frustrates you now, what is a lifetime going to do? I hope regardless he is getting help. Good luck.

I would have to agree with this completely. I actually started my account so I could post here for this same reaction.

I recently married my wife a year and a half ago. She's got PTSD from a sexual assault that happened when she was in her teens, long before we met. I met her when she was 28 and we've been seeing each other for about 10 years now. It wasn't until after we started having sex that it all came to a head because she had never dealt with it before. She's got two kids and I've got a daughter and had lived apart for most of that 10 yr's until we got married. I didn't know much of PTSD and I'm still trying to grasp it but one thing I over looked was that this is a constant thing. Your fiance, while having his ups and down's, will always have those ups and downs. This is something that you are going to need to prepare for. It will never go away.

I don't regret marrying my wife or having us move in together (we moved into a brand new place hoping to have a fresh start with new memories to try and help) but I don't know if this was best for us and I don't know if I would do it again (the marriage and move in part - not being with her). Financially this has hurt us... bad. We have a budget that is dependent on us both working with the house, car payments, kids college... all of it and when she can't work for a month or two, it puts a huge wedge in between us. There are times that I sometimes wish it was the way it was before, where we were living apart and unmarried so she could get help from the state when she needed it. I love her to pieces, I really do and when she's on a good day/week/month, we laugh, go out, do things with the kids and it's AWESOME but when it's bad, it's really bad. She lays in a ball in the bed crying or sits in front of the PC for hours at a time.

She was out of work from this past Jan through the middle of April and we almost lost our house. It got so bad that I finally told her that if we don't start seeking help, I'd have no choice but to leave, I couldn't take it anymore. There's only so much you can do watching them go down a bad road. She found this group and we both went the first three times so that she could feel comfortable going and she's now going on a weekly basis by herself and says it's the best thing that I made her do. She's been to work for a month now, all through May and it's looking good. She's discovered a lot of things about her self that she didn't realize before and they referred her to talk to a PTSD Trauma specialist therapist to help.

This is a life long commitment that you have to be prepared for and know that it may never get better than where it's at now. It sucks but unfortunately it's sometimes how it is.

I wish the best of luck to you, I really do because making a life changing decision is never easy but it's best to look at this now and decide if this is really what you want before spending years of time and commitment into something that you are hoping will change but it may not or if it's time to move on.

 

[BehindBlueEyes]

Thank you all for the heartfelt replies. He has been dealing with this PTSD for almost 8 months and not had a bit of treatment for it due to his job not providing it even though it was work related. And also they dropped his insurance, he keeps saying he just "wants to get back to a normal life" and act like nothing is wrong.

I love him and I am prepared to go through the hard stuff to be with him, it's just hurtful to accept that our life isn't going to turn out the way I was expecting. I will go through hell for him but I am scared of losing myself in the process. I witnessed the PTSD and saw the changes first hand and it's been hard to see. I made the plane tickets and reservations today for myself, and told him how I wished he could come. He is still being evasive about it but I'm going to try not to pressure. I don't want to try to force him into anything, I just want to share those things in my life with him by my side. Wish me luck, and maybe he will show up for vacation after all?

 

[LadyAnne92]

You will definitely be in my thoughts and prayers...I know this is hard. One last thing I just had to share as it is a lesson that I have been learning in the past week. I have realized that one of the most helpful things I can do for my sweetheart is to take excellent care of myself. That way, when he needs to lean on me I am in tip top condition, and also, it helps me feel peppy and raises my self esteem. I find it very easy to get mired down in whatever he is struggling with on a daily basis, but I have realized that though it is my role to support him, I don't have to take on his moods, thoughts, and feelings. Be happy! Do things that make you happy! Because whatever your mind is telling you on a given day, you are worth it. You are a wonderful gal that any man should be grateful to have. All of us supporters are partners to be envious of! Not just anyone could carry on in the midst of what we deal with on a daily basis. At least...this is what I tell myself when I am feeling particularly low.

 

[BehindBlueEyes]

M and I had the biggest fight of our relationship last night, and my heart is broken. We both said some hurtful things and talked about (or screamed rather) how we feel our relationship is falling apart. He told me to take my ring and pawn it and buy myself something. My emotions were out of control. We have been having trouble for a few days and I feel he has become so numb that he isn't able to even feel the same things I'm feeling with our relationship. His insecurities from the PTSD gave him a huge anxiety attack a few nights ago and he accused me of some things that weren't even close to being something I would do. He apologized and I have forgiven him, but I am still hurt that I was sitting beside him heartbroken and crying and he didn't do a single thing to try to comfort or stop my pain.

I know he is having a lot of trouble lately and I haven't figured out the trigger yet but it seems like we are in a loop of both of our emotions causing problems. I have always been someone to take care of everyone else, and when I met my M he was strong, he was the one to take care of me. And it's been hard to remind myself that he is sick, and that he is trying his best to be strong. I know I need to be his rock right now but it's so hurtful to feel like he is numb to my pain along the way. I don't know if I should try to someone and get counseling myself to try to be able to better control my emotions. I've had a lot of broken hearts and been treated really badly in the past and it makes me easily hurt emotionally and I need to find a way to be stronger for him. I told him lastnight that I'm not giving up on this relationship, and if he wanted the ring back he would have to take it back himself. I will love him with everything I have and give it all we have.