He's Worried I Use Ptsd As An Excuse

[GWhizz]

My partner and I had a massive row yesterday.

I feel like I'm under considerable stress right now and a lot of things went wrong yesterday in particular, only mounting this. I'm not good with things going wrong, plans changing, having to adapt suddenly etc. And because I've been working so much lately, I haven't had time to be as organised or tidy as I like to be. Yesterday it all got the better of me and I had a complete outburst before I broke down and cut again. I just couldn't handle how displaced I felt as everything was messy and out of place. I have a lot of ocd traits but I also came from a really untidy unhygienic family, so I can't stand any disorganisation or mess.

My partner felt that I just used ptsd as an excuse to take my day out on him. I don't know whether that seems plausible or not. I didn't intend to. But maybe he's right. Maybe being in therapy etc, I focus too much on it. I know therapy has been making me feel worse lately but for other reasons related to the ineffectiveness of it imo moreso.

I think my partner is really beginning to resent my ptsd though. I guess he saw me before I knew I had it - at which time I used to do my best to hide my past and would only get upset about things every so often (which generally meant a complete meltdown and depressive phase). Whereas now I just seem miserable all of the time. Like I can't hide the flashbacks or anything anymore or how they effect me.

I just feel like it's all in vain. I've spent the bones of over a year actually trying to work on my issues and adapt to cope better. But I don't feel like I've made any real progress sometimes. As in, the flashbacks and nightmares are as prevalent as ever. And to top it off, I've new memories to process since I had my son 21 months ago (the reason I finally sought help and a diagnosis).

I think it looks like I've used ptsd as an excuse for being a shitty mother and a shitty partner.

It's so bloody soul-destroying. I feel damned if I do, damned if I don't. Before I had our child, he used to give out that I obviously had issues and he wanted me to get help but I wouldn't. Now he's annoyed that I left it til it came up and bit us from behind. I know he's right - I should have dealt with this long ago.

But the question is, am I using my issues as an excuse? Like my inability to tolerate too much stress or mess. Or the fact that I get overwhelmed by all the flashbacks and lack of sleep and then end up having an outburst unfairly at him when I know he doesn't do things to deliberately upset me.

Yesterday I was a complete bitch. I can admit that. I completely emasculated him and put him down. Honestly, I don't know how he puts up with me.

It's his birthday Monday and I feel like a complete hypocrit, sitting here now trying to write him a meaningful card to show how much I really do appreciate his support and unconditional love.

I wish I could know my life without trauma. But as I know that that's never going to be possible, I want to be able to accept my trauma and embrace life with it. Rather than being where I'm at right now. Resenting the fact that it's still ruling my life. I will myself to step outside it and not let it get the better of me. But everytime I change my son's nappy, make love or something, and I have a flashback or dissociate, my response is anger. I'm so so angry that it's ruining moments I want to live and embrace. I know I have to try to push through and fight on. But I don't feel strong enough when the flashbacks and symptoms don't seem to be reducing at all.

I'm sorry to rant. I completely digressed. I just want to be accountable for my actions without allowing my symptoms to dominate my choices anymore. I want to commit to making more rational decisions in response to my irrational symptoms/feelings. I want to do better. I'm really afraid of losing everything I worked for. I want to be brave and I want the people who love me to see that I'm more than this.

 

[Gadgie]

I can relate to your anger coming through, as I have so much anger, yet to where to direct it? Since my my wife passed I have been totally lost, as she was bed bound for the last seven years, during which I was caring for her 24/7. Without much help from her family, but what her family did after her passing, made me so angry, and yet I have no way to to vent it.

I have severe mood swings, which I have no control over, and no one to help me with them, so have an idea of what you are going through. Does your husband understand what PTSD is, and how it affects you, maybe if he read up on it, he might get a better understanding of what you are going through.

My wife, although understanding about my PTSD, used to accuse me of using it as a shield to excuse my anger and frustration, and there was a lot of it, as watching her slowly going down hill day by day, was very frustrating for me.

These days I try to find something positive out of every day, and if I can achieve that, then I feel, like I've accomplished my goal. Of course living alone I have no one to share that feeling with, so I find talking to myself, even arguing with myself, keeps me thinking that I'm perfectly sane, but I think the jury is still out on that one, have a chat with your partner, and tell him just you feel, good luck.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I think you articulated a common burden we all have because of PTSD in a clear and honest way. Heartfelt and sad. Trauma robs us of so much and then to have to be told you use it as an excuse, well, I heard that a lot from my ex. Excuse? I don't want to have flashbacks and nightmares and cutting compulsions. They come uninvited. That's the key-they come uninvited- at random times. Only we know how horrible it is to experience.

I understand how you feel about not making more progress. But everything I read about healing from PTSD points out how long and tortuous the journey is. I mean if we could harness the power we have as survivors into, say, medical school, we'd be at the top of our class. That's the truth. We are awesome considering thetotalitarian nightmares we lived through.

I wish I could help you tidy up your house. It's so indicative of our moods. Like the house mirrors how scattered our minds get during times of increased symptoms. For me, the dissociation and flashbacks generally end when I cut. So why would I want to stop cutting? Oh, yeah, staph infections. I'm sorry you had a bad spell. Can your partner go to therapy with you and get some information and explanation for your symptoms and behavior? My ex didn't want to put any energy into learning about PTSD. Of cours he's a first class narcissist, so it figures I'd be attracted to that.

As far as the future goes please be gentle with yourself. Can you afford to hire someone to clean your house? When I was able to, it took a lot of stress away. When your child is so young, they need an immense amount of you to nurture them. You only get this time once, so I'd say make that a priority. Love him and nurture him the way you would want to have been. It's so worth it. Connect with your maternal identity. It is so fulfilling. Even if you could have a mothers helper, like a ten year old to play and tend to your child so you can get some chores done. I had one so I could garden. I paid her a dollar an hour (thirty years ago) my kids were 1 and 3 when I just broke down with all the duties I had. Being able to have that time with my hands in the dirt was really therapeutic.

I don't know what to advise as far as your partner goes. People get angry and fight. You are owning your part in it. I admire you for that. I burned out my ex. He wasn't interested in anything but himself. Hang in there. You sound overwhelmed with all your chores to get done. Can he help with them? Do you have friends with kids the same age as yours that you could have play dates with? Mothers are seriously overworked and under appreciated (the children appreciate us). Put all that on top of PTSD and you can see how challenging it is. Pat yourself on the back for all that you accomplish. I still struggle with being overwhelmed. I think I thrive on it. It's like I only function admission chaos. Good luck and I hope your partner has a Happy Birthday.

 

[Neverthesame]

My internal dictionary / thesaurus defines "Making Excuses" as: A person who uses a malady or other disadvatage to consistently diminish their responsibility for failing to meet a pre-established set of expectations. While failing to take any action to correct the problem or prevent it occurring again in the future.

From what I read in your post. You do not fit into that category.

Progress is progress, baby steps are progress. So long as you are trying to get better, you are then doing what you can.

Now this might sound a tad odd, but I honestly don't think asking oneself that question is a bad thing. Being critical of oneself is good, so long as you can accept something other than perfection as good enough.

At the end of the day, you can only do what you can do. Hopefully he can see that you are trying, and that maybe he needs to look inward himself, and reevaluate his expectations.

After all, you can't be the only one expected to change and grow. It takes two to make a relationship.

 

[Recovery4Me]

:hug::hug::hug:

"Wouldn't it" be nice IF our PTSD was an excuse:hug:, so that we could just elect to change our minds and PTSD would go away? I would love to be in control of how long PTSD could play with my head and slip into a normie zone. :happy:

Heck no @GWhizz , you are not 'playing' PTSD darling! You have it...:hug:and are courageous in sharing of the most personal kinds of things. I am so sorry for your pain, cutting and that you are frightened. You ARE making progress, really in so many ways. Even your T must tell you that!!!:tup:

 

[The Albatross]

There is a difference though between the reactivity and turning it onto a partner or spouse. My mister actually had to tell me, "Look, I am not your enemy. I love you, why are you treating me this way?" I sat blinking and had no answer. I was shocked that I was taking it out on the person who has stood by me (mostly) through it all. He was right to call me out on the fact that what happens in the course of my day... many of the things you mention and turn it on my partner. You said, "Yesterday I was a complete bitch. I can admit that. I completely emasculated him and put him down". To stay in right relationship, that had to be nipped in the bud pronto.

That being said, I agree with the others... it's PTSD... not an excuse, but it is an opportunity to change and improve because our partners, often... straight up don't deserve us to project all the woes and angst and upset that we have onto them.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Now he's annoyed that I left it til it came up and bit us from behind. I know he's right - I should have dealt with this long ago.

I think its sort of a myth that we get to choose when we deal with these things. Well, we do the best with what we have. MANY of us hit rock bottom before we start on a healing path, or wait until we have a "wake up" sort of moment. Yeah, its nice for your partner to sit there and think you should have done this long ago, but life isn't like that, and I see this as blaming behavior. And the truth is, that in previous moments of our lives, when we were doing much better (comparatively speaking), how many of us would say "ok, I'm going to risk what stability I have by diving into my trauma, KNOWING it WILL indeed get worse"...? (because as we all know, nobody escapes therapy/processing without things getting worse). MOST of us wouldn't risk it. We wouldn't risk possibly losing our status in school, having to drop out, losing our jobs, losing our partners, losing everything. As I said, we do the best with what we have. Beating yourself up for what you should have done years ago, not helpful! I understand your partner's frustration, but until he tries to cope with trauma, he should shut his trap on such matters because this shit isn't easy and nobody knows how they will navigate the waters of trauma healing/coping until they are in it themselves, as a sufferer.

 

[GWhizz]

Thank you all for your supportive comments.

I just wish I could cope with simple life stressors more easily and be a little more adaptable to unexpected situations.

Friday was just a crappy day. I had to go to the city to do some annoying paperwork. And while gone, my partner reversed my car into a pole (with our bikes on the bikerack) and smashed the back window. Then I had to come home and try to clean up his mess that had built up over the past 5 days while I worked 13 hour day shifts.

The main reason I was so stressed out about cleaning was that we were interviewing childminders to come into our home to mind our son. My partner just got a new job beginning this Tuesday and we had 2 working days to find a new minder as our current one just told us she got a date to have back surgery next wk and won't be able to walk for about 2 months! a) I have huge trust issues when it comes to who minds my child, and b) I don't like strangers coming into my home (our last minder minded him at her home as she was a stay at home mom herself). #totalmindf*ck!

Anyway, I now feel like I will have to stress to keep my house perfect as I don't like anyone seeing any mess in my home - this goes back to my childhood when I would clean up for visitors/relatives who would still gawk and give out that the house was in a filthy state. We did manage to hire someone but I totally feel like I'm settling for a candidate that was the best of a random bunch and hey, beggars can't be choosers when you're lastminute.com like my disorganized other half is (I asked him for weeks to look for a new minder as we knew our minder may have surgery this summer and that he would be getting a new job again soon).

I feel like quitting my job, though I'm the only one with the permanent secure job. I just worry so much about my son yet I know my fears are not totally founded.

I've decided I'm not going to therapy this week as it's going so bad right now anyway, I don't think it will help. Plus I have a cervical smear right before my therapy appointment and last time I had one of them I took an overdose. So I don't feel up to going to therapy when all I do is sit there and say I'm okay when I'm not really. In fact, I think my therapist is on a completely different page. I rang her after our session last week to tell her this and she rang back telling me therapy is the place to discuss this. She's right, but I don't discuss anything relevant there!

My partner did come to my previous therapist with me but I'm not too comfortable with my new one yet, plus he wouldn't be available with work to meet her. I do agree that he definitely needs to make an effort to up his knowledge about ptsd. I feel like he treats me totally differently since he found out about it. Whether it's overprotecting me and not leaving me alone with our son, or hardly daring to touch me intimately at times because he's triggered me during sex sometimes. I just want a balance. It's really hard to attain that though.

 

[seedling]

You have had stressors that are more than simple right now. Multiple triggering situations that have to be dealt with anyway.


Even without PTSD I could see this constellation of things starting a fight with your partner. Can you guys go over it afterwards and figure out what each person needed for the next time?

Even if you had had therapy previous to having a child that's no guarantee that more wouldn't have come up just with that event. There's no predicting and we all do the best we can at any point. mmmm, maybe PTSD is always bound to bite us in the a**!

Good luck with your new child minder!