Sufferer Hesitation, Desperation And A Hello

[CVC]

For what it's worth, I think it's possible to benefit from DBT without a therapist and without paying much. I have a DBT self-help workbook I like quite a bit (OK, OK, so I like books! ;) ). I am sure there are a couple options out there (the one I have is by McKay et al).

I read the book, made a list of the exercises that sounded best, and made a commitment to do a little (maybe 10 minutes) when I can (working up to every day). I have found that doing the work at my own slow pace and without a therapist is still really useful to me, and I'm increasingly able to get a handle on out-of-control emotions using the skills I've learned. So, if you really want to give DBT a shot, I'd encourage you to try it on your own if there aren't any therapists around. Maybe having some kind of accountability partner could help for structure.

But if DBT isn't the answer, something else will be. There are so many good ways to find balance (exercise is one of my favorites, too)!

 

[idiosyncratic]

Welcome Foudre,

There's not much for me to say that others on this forum have not already (truthfully and wonderfully) said. I wanted to comment because I read your post, and it felt like I was reading my own writing. I'm also 26 and female yet I don't feel appropriate to call myself a woman either, more so like a lost child.

Almost everything you wrote, I've felt and currently feel. They are things that I think a lot of people on this forum have experienced so you are definitely not alone. It just feels lonely because no one talks about it without having it be anonymous and hidden behind a screen.

Please know that you are not alone. There are a ton of people here to support you – and another 26 year old female who is rooting for you.

 

[intothelight]

Welcome to MyPTSD forum! :)

 

[Foudre]

Hi @intothelight @idiosyncratic thank you also for your comments.

I'm having a bad weekend. Got too stressed out yesterday trying to force myself to go and help a friend with a kids party. Initially got stressed out with how I looked and what to wear and what made me look thinnest... I basically got myself into such a spin, I decided not to go, then felt guilty and decided to go, and this reacted about four times before I was finally ready to go. I felt really wobbly and when I set out for the 50 minute drive I wasn't in a good place. I got all the way to the town the party was being held in and I had a huge anxiety attack and turned around and sped home. Half way home in tears and emotional turmoil I started veering my car stupidly and on a big right hand corner I very nearly just hit the accelerator and attempt to kill myself. I slammed on my break last minute and pulled round and into a lay-by where I sobbed for half an hour. I tried to call my therapist but got no answer. My ex and he rejected my call, a friend who didn't pick up, so I sobbed some more and felt incredibly alone.

I spent the rest of the evening in my bedroom feeling like a failure, guilty for letting my friend down and desperately sad that I'd have such a bad relapse. I was alone again on a Saturday night feeling like my progress this week has been lost, the calmer place I was in lost too and that I am still very ill indeed, four months on.

I feel so disappointed in myself. I want to scream... "When will I better?!!!!!!" But right now I don't feel I'll ever be.

I don't want this life. I want to be charismatic, full of joy and love of the world, surrounded by friends with a billion things in my diary to look forward to. But my life has never been this way. Feeling very very low

 

[Foudre]

Too much information perhaps ...

 

[Chincho]

Hi Foudre! I'm sorry, I just saw your post today. :banghead:

I'm so glad you slammed on your breaks!!! I've been where you are now, and I wish I could tell you it's easy to get better, but as you probably know by now, it isn't. But it's worth it.

You were really brave for coming here and telling us what happened, and I'm sorry you didn't get an answer sooner, but it doesn't mean that you did something wrong. I don't think it was too much information, I believe your post somehow "fell through the cracks". It happens to all of us sometime or another.

Maybe you weren't ready for such a big effort: dressing up, driving to your friend's house, seeing a bunch of kids... Just thinking about it is too much for me!

I'm a firm believer in baby steps. And journaling. Writing about my feelings helps me to calm down.

As to your question "When will I be better?", I think we all ask the same thing pretty often, and nobody here has the answer. But we all keep trying, sharing our stories, and helping each other as much as we can.

Gentle hugs if that's okay.

 

[HelenB]

I only just read your post too and am sorry to hear that you have had such a hard time.

I know for myself that when I feel I have made some progress and then that it has all fallen apart again, I find it very hard and find it hard to get out of again, but have learnt more and more that just because I have had another bad time it does not mean that all the progress I have made is lost. We are on a journey and it is a hard journey and often we have many small steps forwards and then some back too, and I know for myself that when I can remind myself of that and determine to not allow it to dictate that I cannot regain quickly the ground which I have already taken it does help so much.

For me I have also experienced an eating disorder as I was anorexic, and still struggle daily with these emotions, but know that in this, the kind of thinking I am describing has been so helpful to me. I do still have days where I do not deal with food and will not eat, but overall I have determined that I am going to eat and choose life and not death and am no longer in the massive grip of this destructive cycle, so when I do have my such hard days, making the determined choice that I am not going to let a few harder days take everything I have come so far to overcome, really helps me get back on track and continue further and further into my journey, where I do believe there will be freedom.

I really hope that you have again found some more peace and know that though the journey is hard the determination from wanting all the things you described at the end of your last post is such a massive thing to help you on your way and believe that they really will help you toward the freedom and joy you deserve and so long for.

God bless
Helen