Hey guys, thanks for the replies. Youre great!
It really is hard to draw the line between doing too much and doing too little...cuz when I do too much I usually drown in self reproaches that its my own fault because after all I over did it, and when I do too little then I feel guilty and like a lazy prick....and my family is the most unsupportive, my mom usually always knows what to say to make me feel more guilty on top of it. And my dad once said to my face that Im making the pain up....go figure!
Im not overweight, anthony....Im underweight...Ive been diagnosed with adrenal burnout syndrome....my total energy loss is about 70% or more....adrenal burnout means that my adrenal glands and thyroid glands are severely insufficient.....
I have been dependent on pain meds for more than a year....Im off all meds now for two months due to a change in diet...however Im still very weak...
for example, Ive been feeling better three weeks ago...and whenever I feel better then I automatically try to solve things....so I tried to solve stuff with my ex girlfriend, and this pushed me right back into total exhaustion again...I had to stay in bed for a couple days, not to mention all the weird mental symptoms that I get when Im exhausted, to the point of suicidal ideation....I always end up in a double blind situtation....cuz when I dont deal with emotional stuff then I feel Im not doing enough to help me, but when I do deal with things then I get even worse cuz I dont have the energy.....
The people that diagnosed my adrenal burnout syndrome said that to achieve success it is recommended to practice emotional detachment....that means, avoid situations that upset me, be in a positive and encouraging environment....so what they say is, I must not deal with my girlfriend...cuz she drives me crazy....but not dealing with it hurts me too cuz Im still attached to her and if its only because things arent resolved ya know.....not to speak of all the other things that are not resolved in my life....but I dont have the energy....so I cannot even do anything about it.
I think I have to get away from everything that is a strain until I have recovered....away from my family and away from bad situations.
Im seeing a pain specialist on tuesday...Ive finally had the energy to call them up....I had an appointment two weeks ago already, but I had to cancel it because I got an energy crash again two days prior to that appointment....and I was too weak to drive to the doc, ya know, so I had to wait two weeks for another appointment....I hope I have the energy on tuesday.
I dont think doctors can help me because I refuse to take drugs, after all I have struggled almost two years to get off of them....but what I want is to get on disability...I mean Im not even able to hover the floor, so how can I even work parttime?
Another thing is...my sister knows an osteopath or how that is called...they remove physical blockages from the body, and he also gives massages....maybe that helps. I have decided to call this dude up when I have the energy...I hope I get some energy back soon.
I have not been officially diagnosed with ptsd, but I have had the strongest ptsd symptoms and flashbacks....and panic and anxiety and the weirdest mental symptoms you can imagine...plus the pain....Im really impaired, and Im running out of money. Ive also tried to work but I only got worse, so I also have a work phobia so to speak...cuz whenever I do stuff, I risk having to spend my days in bed.
I also wont be diagnosed with ptsd simply because I dont go to a psychiatrist...they only give me meds, and it was most important for me to get off all meds, so psychiatrists will only harm me...
I go my own way.
My day consists of....depends on my energy level.
When Im fortunate enough to not have strong pain then I do stuff that is not physically or mentally exhausting...for example, play the piano, or record songs that I arrange....
When my energy is superb, I make an effort to study something online....although that goes very slowly because I also get pain when I concentrate too much...and studying is concentration.
When my energy is very low due to my foolish attempt to resolve issues for example, or because I have move too much the day before, then I cannot do anything...I spend a big part of the day in bed trying to save energy, I try to endure the pain flare ups that come along with low energy, and I beat myself up over the fact that my diet gets bad because I need the extra energy that I get out of chocolate and doughnuts...although I know that these things make me only worse, and in turn, they cause more pain.
After an energy collapse it usually takes two or three weeks to be halfway stable again.....so I really need to take better care of me and avoid stressing situations....but thats hard, because whenever I get more energy then all the issues come up again, which urges me to deal with them....and then when I deal with them, I crash because I lack the energy required to face things....and then I think of suicide and feel like Im dying....
I really hope they get me on disability cuz it would be a major help for me when I can lift the financial stress off my life...that would help me recover a great deal....Ill see how it goes after my appointment on tuesday, I really hope I have the energy to go there....:crybaby:
I hope youre all doing good. :occasion:
