DannyWagg11
New Here
Hi, my name is Dan. I'am 27 years old out of Boston MA. Ever since I can remember I've been highly anxious (runs in my mums side of the family) when I was a kid it was stuff you would expect a kid to get nervous about, like school, friends ect. As I graduated from high school things seemed to get a lot more real for me I guess you could say. My grandfather who was basically a 2nd father to me passed away from a two year fight with pancreatic cancer, hit me like a ton of bricks, and never got over it totally.
A year later my nana ( loved her more than words can express) passed away from stomach cancer. So basically for the first time seeing two people who I loved more than life itself pass, it was heavy and tough to get over to say in the least.
Three years later my father has a aortic aneurism, drops on the floor in the of the family having a regular dinner conversation and starts vomiting, convulsing, coming in and out of it every couple seconds. He had hearth surgery and had a aorta replacement valve put in place....6 months of going back and forth to specialists, doctors, neurologists ect. Finally someone from mass general decided to look in the one area that needed checking. The stress from that alone I thought was going to put me under, it was just too much. I could go on and on with these types of scineros of why I have PTSD but I want to get more to my current symptoms now.
They finally came to surface after a serious 8 month non stop worry bout pertaining to my mother and her health.
That summer (June 2009) when things finally eased up stress wise I started out of nowhere to feel like I was existing outside of my body, like I was living in a constant dream. Freaked me out to no end, then my IBS (which I had since early childhood, was never a huge issue though) basically limited my eating to nothing but tofu and some veggies...even tea could send me into the most brutal of episodes. I then started to notice alot of my body hurt..ALOT of the time, from normal cramps to all out muscle spasms. I started to bug out and became obsessed with these symptoms and the possibility of more (and did I ever get more) Extreme fatigue, Crippling TMJ, IBS, Dry eye/mouth, OCD, severe depression, all over muscle pain/twitches, agoraphobia and so on.
I go to my doctor and instantly just invade has me do all kinds of tests for stuff like lupus, Lyme, pretty much every auto immune disorder and other stuff (knock on wood) every is ok. We then instantly get to talking about medication and therapy. Im like, sounds cool...but that voice in the back of my head, that obnoxious OCD thoughts that insist to tell me yea he's a trained professional and has been your doc since you were born and knows everything about you physically and emotionally, I still feel you have something horrible and it will kill you eventually.
Now that's what I have been trying to fight for the last 5 years now, the fact I've had too many tests and the reassurance by numerous Doctors, a nurologist, and my therapist (not to mention my mom having the exact symptoms as a kid my age, so talking to her she instantly knew) I just want sone peace of mind, I don't want any more specialists or tests I just want to finally be comfortable in my own skin. Like when I get leg twitches, or really intense back pains, or that horrible tingly feeling. I don't want to always have to think oh you have such and such a disease I just found that matches my symptoms, my life is now over. I want to just say shut up OCD, and just try to ignore whatever symptom is affecting me at that moment.
I guess what I'm trying to get out of this complete mess of a post is, is it ok to acknowledge the fact I'm am going to have horrible physical symptoms (especially when stressed or depressed) and stop trying to find myself with some sort of deadly disease and focus more on myself. Because my OCD/Health Anxiety want me to be always scanning for new symptoms, but my rational side is telling me I've seen enough specialists and had enough done, they all said it's you, now get going on your dream with art again and ignore this. Has anyone else had health related OCD so bad it's crippled you? And how dud you finally over come it and realize your not in any danger?
A year later my nana ( loved her more than words can express) passed away from stomach cancer. So basically for the first time seeing two people who I loved more than life itself pass, it was heavy and tough to get over to say in the least.
Three years later my father has a aortic aneurism, drops on the floor in the of the family having a regular dinner conversation and starts vomiting, convulsing, coming in and out of it every couple seconds. He had hearth surgery and had a aorta replacement valve put in place....6 months of going back and forth to specialists, doctors, neurologists ect. Finally someone from mass general decided to look in the one area that needed checking. The stress from that alone I thought was going to put me under, it was just too much. I could go on and on with these types of scineros of why I have PTSD but I want to get more to my current symptoms now.
They finally came to surface after a serious 8 month non stop worry bout pertaining to my mother and her health.
That summer (June 2009) when things finally eased up stress wise I started out of nowhere to feel like I was existing outside of my body, like I was living in a constant dream. Freaked me out to no end, then my IBS (which I had since early childhood, was never a huge issue though) basically limited my eating to nothing but tofu and some veggies...even tea could send me into the most brutal of episodes. I then started to notice alot of my body hurt..ALOT of the time, from normal cramps to all out muscle spasms. I started to bug out and became obsessed with these symptoms and the possibility of more (and did I ever get more) Extreme fatigue, Crippling TMJ, IBS, Dry eye/mouth, OCD, severe depression, all over muscle pain/twitches, agoraphobia and so on.
I go to my doctor and instantly just invade has me do all kinds of tests for stuff like lupus, Lyme, pretty much every auto immune disorder and other stuff (knock on wood) every is ok. We then instantly get to talking about medication and therapy. Im like, sounds cool...but that voice in the back of my head, that obnoxious OCD thoughts that insist to tell me yea he's a trained professional and has been your doc since you were born and knows everything about you physically and emotionally, I still feel you have something horrible and it will kill you eventually.
Now that's what I have been trying to fight for the last 5 years now, the fact I've had too many tests and the reassurance by numerous Doctors, a nurologist, and my therapist (not to mention my mom having the exact symptoms as a kid my age, so talking to her she instantly knew) I just want sone peace of mind, I don't want any more specialists or tests I just want to finally be comfortable in my own skin. Like when I get leg twitches, or really intense back pains, or that horrible tingly feeling. I don't want to always have to think oh you have such and such a disease I just found that matches my symptoms, my life is now over. I want to just say shut up OCD, and just try to ignore whatever symptom is affecting me at that moment.
I guess what I'm trying to get out of this complete mess of a post is, is it ok to acknowledge the fact I'm am going to have horrible physical symptoms (especially when stressed or depressed) and stop trying to find myself with some sort of deadly disease and focus more on myself. Because my OCD/Health Anxiety want me to be always scanning for new symptoms, but my rational side is telling me I've seen enough specialists and had enough done, they all said it's you, now get going on your dream with art again and ignore this. Has anyone else had health related OCD so bad it's crippled you? And how dud you finally over come it and realize your not in any danger?
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