Hey - I Need To See Someone - But I Still Don't Want To Face It..Help?

[Samuel]

I have never been formally diagnosed - I'm worried because I've made a Dr. Appointment this week. I really want to have the strength to confront my trauma. This is about the 5th time of gone to see the Dr. Every other time I freak out or convince myself I am okay and then make up a bogus reason for being there. The "trauma" happened 2 and half years ago and since that day I haven't been the same. I can't be in relationships, I can't sleep at night because the nightmares keep me awake. I don't even want to go to bed. Recently I've been hearing and seeing things that aren't quiet there...like hallucinations I guess but they all relate to the event. I feel like I've totally lost touch of reality. I don't have any friends anymore. Those that were around when it happened I've either pushed away or they've just left. Its totally messed up though because I feel like I wasn't the one who directly suffered so I shouldn't deserve to get help. I just can't get the images out of my head. The noises the way the hospital smelt. I never got the chance to look after myself because it was such a prolonged thing that I had to be there at the hospital for half a year just supporting him- all our focus was on him. It's like I can't focus on anything else now though. I just fell shit - all the time. I want to have the strength to go to the Dr.s this week but I don't know if I can - I want to talk about it but talking makes it real. Does anyone no how I should approach walking in that door or getting the strength to see someone? Should I even be seeing someone?

 

[Samuel]

I avoided introducing myself...Hi! Im Samuel. Im not ready yet to discuss the details of my life yet... But I hope I can someday. Ive had an interesting life so far. I hope I can one day share it with someone. Im taking Baby steps though. I've found this forum very useful thus far. I also fear what I could learn about myself though.

I like music - music keeps me stable. I stay calm, I write and play my own stuff for guitar and trombone. Music has been the only constant in my life.

I hope I can elaborate further as I become more confident in myself.
Samuel

 

[kers]

Seeing someone, a therapist, social worker, psychiatrist, whoever, can really make a huge difference. But I know it is scary. Remember, you don't have to walk in and share everything. When I sought help, I did not say a word about the traumas (though my therapist figured it out almost immediately). You don't have to share anything you don't want to. You are in control the whole time. If it gets hard to talk about something, you can simply stop talking about it. You don't even have to talk at all, if you don't want to.

You describe symptoms you are concerned about that are impacting your life. It is important to get accurately assessed by a professional so you can get the diagnosis and treatment you need. You can feel better. Take the first step.

 

[Samuel]

its kind of ironic..Im a student at a prestigious university studying psychology...who needs a therapist. Life is odd. I don't no if talking about it is going to help or make things worse. I guess I won't no until I try. A part of me doesn't want a diagnosis because that makes it something I need to deal with. Thanks for your encouragement Kers

 

[Sammy]

Hi, Samuel.

I fought going to a therapist for a long time. A therapist can be great help. For me, understanding is the first step to healing. If you have an appointment, try to go. You don't have to talk about the trauma. You don't have to talk about anything. Go and see what happens. You said "part of me doesn't want a diagnosis because that makes it something I need to deal with." Funny thing is, you seem to already think you need to deal with it or you wouldn't have made an appointment. You are already dealing with it! Every day.

Only a therapist can make a diagnosis. I don't know what I would do without mine - he had made a huge difference in my life.

Good luck. Have hope. Have courage. You can do it.

Sammy

 

[Frog]

Hi Samuel,

I am in a similar predicament - my situation is additionally complicated by the fact that I have a long-term illness tha I don't want a psychiatrist to confuse with a physical illness as a registered disabled person.. The reasons for this are many, one of them being not least because it causes many medical professionals to dismiss a separate physical illness from the PTSD. Here in the UK I find that medically things get lumped together and as a member of lots of different types of discussion forums, I am not alone in my experience.

Like you I have booked numerous appointments then backed down at the last minute or repeated a previous them such as depression, which can accompany PTSD (and so many other things) anyway. I always have my get-out pre-planned now! That's sad I know, but no amount of encouragement has influenced me to grow and feel confident that it is the right thing to do + any pressure, simply makes me withdraw and retreat never to be heard from again. It is a miracle I am on this site posting at all and could only find one discussion topic, until I saw your post, that I felt able to respond to and therefore found it difficult to join in with all the restrictions/permissions needed to access so much of this site.
But in a nutshell, I was moved by your post and while I too am not ready to talk in any detail yet, I can admit that I am extremely reluctant to attend for a full-on formal diagnosis, because while it may `the most amazing, helpful thing' that might happen to me, I am also aware of the reality of the problems it can also bring in terms of being pushed down a certain road of treatment medically, the power and control over my life by others it may bring and the stress on a physical illness to add to the PTSD that is very likely to occur if I have GPs pushing me around and patronising me with `this is the best course of treatment for you'. So far, talking with like-minded sufferers, seems to be the best help I can access for myself and hopefully this will help you and others in return, but I do not have very high expectations having lived with this condition for many years and seen how discrimination can compound and exacerbate an already intolerable condition for me.

 

[Abeille]

Samuel,

For the longest time I refused to talk to my parents or a therepist about what happened because I was too afraid. When I did, I was so scared I ended up having a panic attack in her office, now I look back and realise that... she was there for me. She didnt expect anything of me, she didnt make me say or think about anything that I ddint want to. Doctors and therapist (and so on) are there to help you to make you better. It is there job and way of life. I know it is hard, but you need to trust yourself to be able to do this, you need to believe you can. And, hopefully, one day you will look back at how scared you are now and realize you didnt need to be. Realize you are strong and that you were strong. You can do anything you set out to do as long as you work hard and believe in what you are doing.

 

[Frog]

Hi Samuel,

I think you need to do what is right for you..
What is right for one person may not be right for another. I and others could be accused of avoiding getting help, but for some people self-help can be just as powerful as outside professional `expertise' help.
I found therapists held me back from dealing properly with my condition and while I don't feel in a good place right now, I have come to accept that there is a level of reality that is ironically healthier than succumbing to recognised expectations and trying to fit a mold I don't fit just to `get on with it', as that can heighten the anxiety and distress ten fold and compound the condition further. There is no set in stone way to deal with your PTSD, though their may be `accepted' medical and community schools of thinking on the subject, how you `choose' to deal with the condition going forward is a very personal choice and journey for you.

For me, I learned many years ago that choice, independence and control are part of healing and dealing with my PTSD.
Everybody is different, and while there is received wisdom on PTSD as a subject, some people's experiences of mental health professionals are very positive and on the other hand, others have had the opposite experience(s).
It cannot be assumed that all mental health professionals are good and want to help, the world I have found is a mix of people and while that may seem negative I think it is positive to be honest about the reality and expectations around professional attitudes and the reality of getting treatment that is right for you because some professionals, though it is their job to look out for your welfare, they are not necessarily as conscientious as some others, so in my case for example, a reticence to open up was well founded and in other cases. this could be slightly overcome but the professionals I saw were not in a position to take things further for me. S

Ultimately, I hope you do find people, professional or not, who are understanding and supportive. Some professionals, like anyone could be, are clueless about, for example, how to sensitively handle people with difficult complex conditions like this and not at all are as proactive as they need to be to ensure you get all the help you need; while others are caring but clueless about referring and giving proper guidance and others are plain irresponsible, for example, I encountered staggering arrogance at the hands of one mental health professional who blocked any support available by closing down options with an assumptious, rigid and judgmental approach to the condition.

I think it is good to have open eyes and likewise an open mind and I wish you all the best in securing appropriate support from people who are genuinely focused on welfare so you can eventually get all the support you really deserve.

Blessings.

 

[Samuel]

Hi Frog,

Thank you so much for your kind words. I feel that in a sense you are very right "what is right for one person may not necessarily be right for another". I guess all I no is that right now I've got this problem that is effecting my ability to control my life and that the way I am dealing with it at the moment isn't helping me. So I need to change something. In the back of my head Im so skeptic of professional help. I never accept help from other people and Ive never had to before. Im a total bottler - all my problems get shoved in a corner and I leave them there until they go away - This one just isn't leaving me.

I've made the appointment for tomorrow to see my GP. Where I live though getting professional help is extra difficult because you need to see a GP and have them give you a referral. In order to get the referral I need an adequate reason to seek the professional help. Essential I need to be open enough with my GP to get to see the psyc. Totally messed up way to go about things.

You said before that you always have a plan on how to leave. Thats like me. I no how to get out of the Dr.s. I even do it for things such as social events. I always have an escape plan or an excuse to not make it etc.

Thanks for your support - Im finding that talking online is a lot easier than in person.

Samuel

 

[The Sentinel]

You need a referral even for basic counseling? That seems a little backwards to me, indeed.

I fought seeing a therapist for a long time and while there is a great deal of foolishness in Psychology there are also people that will just genuinely be there and that will teach you how to handle yourself or even just listen without making judgment. I've found that the liberation I feel in being able to say anything at all without an ounce of judgment is wonderful. Now, I'm not seeing a psychiatrist I'm seeing a psychologist at a pastoral care center and they do a wonderful job of meeting my needs. At this point, I'm learning how to manage my PTSD without medication which, for me, seems to be the best route.

However, definitely do what is best for you. But make sure that you aren't just deciding what's "best" based on your own fears and biases as well, it's a very difficult decision and one I don't envy you for, but I can say that I've had to make it, myself. That's one of my biggest struggles is making a decision that's just for me and sticking to it as well as trying to sort out what's best for me from what I want. It's a constant battle.

The fact that you're here at all means that you do at least want some help - whether it be professional or just peer support - and the ability to reach out as you have is wonderful. For one, I am proud of you for making the effort and know how difficult that step can be. While I am new to this forum specifically, I run another internet community regarding trauma and abuse (don't worry, I'm not here to spread that community, I'm here to seek help of my own) and have seen many people with the courage to come forward. It's a beautiful thing, despite how difficult (or simple) it may seem at the moment of choosing to make an account.

Well done and welcome.

 

[Sammy]

Hi again, Samuel.

I think Sentinel has some good advice. Be careful you do not decide what is best based on your fears. Sometimes, what has been what I thought was best for me, wasn't. Be brave and willing to keep after it until you find what is best. It has taken me some time and trying multiple avenues.

You also wrote you are a "bottler." Again, personally, I have found that bottling things up has not been effect for me. It always manages to escape and come bite me in the backside when I least expect it. I had something I bottled from over 25 years ago come find me in the past few weeks. It has caused all kinds of "PTSD reactions" - anxiety, disconnect, anger. Lots of anger. I do not want to spend the rest of my life angry or in fear. So, I am trying to face it head on. I am not my trauma. I am not PTSD. I am determined it not run my life. That is not to say I do not break into awful, embarrassing sweats, have nightmares, fly into rages and make horrid choices. But I am working on it. I am doing the best I can and I will continue to fight. I have found resources and I am searching for more. I will search until I find the combination I need to feel the love and joy I know is out there.

Be patient. It takes time.But don't quit. Unfortunately, things never seem to happen as fast as we might want. But, anything worth having is worth fighting for. I am fighting for happiness and peace. I am fighting for sanity.

Hope and peace.

Sammy

 

[blackpearl]

Hi Samuel,

How about making a plan B before you go to see anybody ? What makes you calm down ? You say music and some more. So if you go down after talking and opening up (small steps) you go straight home and do what calms you. I think it's important to start somewhere so you don't keep everything within, that can make you disconnect and hallucinate and so on and that is also hard to deal with longer periods.