Hi Everyone... I've been reading this site for a few weeks, and finally have worked up the courage to say something. I have PTSD and would like to share my story. I haven't told many people this, and I worry that people will tell me that it's nothing, I am over-reacting and that I shouldn't feel the way that I feel.
When I was younger a teacher physically assaulted me at school, in front of a room full of people, most of them were my friends, or at least, I thought. After they saw the teacher assault me (she grabbed me by the throat in the midst of screaming in my face and threatening me and poking me with her long fake nails, I was ten), everyone excluded me. They wouldn't talk to me or look at me, and I went from being popular to having no friends. It was very traumatic, and I felt very alone and it was the first time I felt depression. All I wanted to do was cry, cry, cry, but the teacher told me that if she saw me crying, I would be in big trouble. So all day I held my tears in, they were lined up on the edge of my eyelids, a balancing act that took a lot of mental effort, but I did it. I kept having thoughts of wanting to run away, or die. I felt worthless... the only thing that got me through that day was that I thought my mum would help me. I imagined telling her everything, and she comforting me, and standing up for me. When I went home that day, I called my mum at work, finally feeling safe enough to cry, and my mum got angry at me for calling her at work crying. Even though I had told her what happened, she asked me why I was crying. I said, 'I told you'. She said, "what, because of that? It sounds to me like you deserved it". A big part of me died in that moment. She refused to help me in anyway, and told me to get over it. I couldn't. I was terrified of going back to school, and I felt so hurt and betrayed by everyone around me. The next day,I refused to go to school. I thought if I didn't get dressed, my mum couldn't make me leave the house. I was wrong. She dragged me in the car, crying and screaming, in my pajamas and started to drive me to school. She told me that she was going to force me to spend the day at school in my pajamas, which was unbearable considering what happened the day before. I begged her not to do it, and eventually she conceded and we went home, I got dressed, she took me to school. Where I was once again, ignored.
This event changed me completely. After that, I couldn't trust anyone. If people told me they were my friend, they liked me, or loved me, I wouldn't believe them. I would think "oh really? just wait til I mess up. You won't be my friend then, will you". Fast forward almost 20 years, and I can't go into certain situations without having a full blown fear response. If I am around people that I don't know well, and have to be the centre of attention (like, for instance, at university when we have to do public speaking, or introductions) I stop breathing. My heart beats so fast, and I can't speak clearly. I have to keep stopping to gasp for air. I sweat and blush. It's beyond humiliating. I feel like everyone judges me for not being able to even introduce myself. The reason I have finally joined this forum is because just yesterday, I had to introduce myself to about ten people that I did not know well, although some of them I knew a little bit. I wanted to make a good impression. I just had to say one sentence, but I could barely manage it. I am sure that I came across looking really, really, unstable or something. Most people seemed understanding, but the one person I cared about the most, I felt very judged by. He avoided me after that. I feel like I saw something change in his eyes, like I had embarrassed him. I don't know how to recover from it, I want to hide away and never see those people again. Unfortunately I have to work closely with some of them this year, especially the one that judged me. I cried for five hours yesterday, because I felt so embarrassed. The sad thing is that communication used to be my biggest strength. Now I feel pathetic. I know I should have compassion for myself, but it's difficult. I feel betrayed by myself when that happens.
Anyway, thank-you for listening. I'm sorry it's so long.
Daisylove.
When I was younger a teacher physically assaulted me at school, in front of a room full of people, most of them were my friends, or at least, I thought. After they saw the teacher assault me (she grabbed me by the throat in the midst of screaming in my face and threatening me and poking me with her long fake nails, I was ten), everyone excluded me. They wouldn't talk to me or look at me, and I went from being popular to having no friends. It was very traumatic, and I felt very alone and it was the first time I felt depression. All I wanted to do was cry, cry, cry, but the teacher told me that if she saw me crying, I would be in big trouble. So all day I held my tears in, they were lined up on the edge of my eyelids, a balancing act that took a lot of mental effort, but I did it. I kept having thoughts of wanting to run away, or die. I felt worthless... the only thing that got me through that day was that I thought my mum would help me. I imagined telling her everything, and she comforting me, and standing up for me. When I went home that day, I called my mum at work, finally feeling safe enough to cry, and my mum got angry at me for calling her at work crying. Even though I had told her what happened, she asked me why I was crying. I said, 'I told you'. She said, "what, because of that? It sounds to me like you deserved it". A big part of me died in that moment. She refused to help me in anyway, and told me to get over it. I couldn't. I was terrified of going back to school, and I felt so hurt and betrayed by everyone around me. The next day,I refused to go to school. I thought if I didn't get dressed, my mum couldn't make me leave the house. I was wrong. She dragged me in the car, crying and screaming, in my pajamas and started to drive me to school. She told me that she was going to force me to spend the day at school in my pajamas, which was unbearable considering what happened the day before. I begged her not to do it, and eventually she conceded and we went home, I got dressed, she took me to school. Where I was once again, ignored.
This event changed me completely. After that, I couldn't trust anyone. If people told me they were my friend, they liked me, or loved me, I wouldn't believe them. I would think "oh really? just wait til I mess up. You won't be my friend then, will you". Fast forward almost 20 years, and I can't go into certain situations without having a full blown fear response. If I am around people that I don't know well, and have to be the centre of attention (like, for instance, at university when we have to do public speaking, or introductions) I stop breathing. My heart beats so fast, and I can't speak clearly. I have to keep stopping to gasp for air. I sweat and blush. It's beyond humiliating. I feel like everyone judges me for not being able to even introduce myself. The reason I have finally joined this forum is because just yesterday, I had to introduce myself to about ten people that I did not know well, although some of them I knew a little bit. I wanted to make a good impression. I just had to say one sentence, but I could barely manage it. I am sure that I came across looking really, really, unstable or something. Most people seemed understanding, but the one person I cared about the most, I felt very judged by. He avoided me after that. I feel like I saw something change in his eyes, like I had embarrassed him. I don't know how to recover from it, I want to hide away and never see those people again. Unfortunately I have to work closely with some of them this year, especially the one that judged me. I cried for five hours yesterday, because I felt so embarrassed. The sad thing is that communication used to be my biggest strength. Now I feel pathetic. I know I should have compassion for myself, but it's difficult. I feel betrayed by myself when that happens.
Anyway, thank-you for listening. I'm sorry it's so long.
Daisylove.
