Undiagnosed Hi im a newbie this is my story, recovered memories of abuse

[Lavenderlady11]

hi everyone my name is amanda I am 31 years old and I have recovered memories of childhood sexual abuse from my biological father I had thought for years that something happened but couldn't pin point anything until just a few months ago the first time I had memories it was when I was 17 my father had just died I believe the memories came out then because inside I felt safe enough to know what happened but then I thought I couldn't trust these memories I was in denial so up until this year I hadn't thought anything of it but my daughter is now the same age as I believe I was when the sexual abuse started 8 so I think maybe the memories were triggered
by my daughter turning that same age and my father being dead I will tell you some of my memories I remember being carried by my dad put onto the bed and the acts that happened I also remember when I think he penetrated me or at least attempted to but as soon as that happened I was watching from the ceiling I also remember him giving me a wash cloth and saying clean yourself up and I was crying alot another memory I have is my dad threatening my life if I told anyone I also had recurrent bladder infections/uti's around the same time and I remembered my mother would work nights for that time period when I was 8-10 yrs old and she confirmed what I remembered about begging her to quit the night shift I also remembered my dad would come into my room at night wetting the bed alot,nightmares I just didn't want to believe my dad could have done this but it's true glad I found this forum and likewise nice people to talk to sincerely - amanda

 

[joeylittle]

Hi @Lavenderlady11 - welcome. Have you been to see a counselor about any of this?

 

[Lavenderlady11]

Hi @Lavenderlady11 - welcome. Have you been to see a counselor about any of this?

Thank you! No not yet maybe I will in the future

 

[WillyKat]

My story is similar to yours. Abused at age 6 my an older, about 14, neighbor boy. I had dissociative amnesia (blocking of memories) for about 15 years. I had a bit of therapy in my 20s but what really sent me back was seeing my son reach age 5 or so. Really hit me hard, so I went for therapy and did a lot of healing.

Welcome to the forum! As @joeylittle said, shop around for a qualified psychologist that specializes in trauma and recovery. I say 'shop around' because the chemistry between you and the shrink you hire matters. You should feel comfortable with them.

 

[Lavenderlady11]

Thank you @WillyKat, Hi

I was diagnosed in my teens with borderline personality disorder I was thinking maybe they misdiagnosed me and it was really ptsd. What about you if you don't mind me asking ? Are you already diagnosed with ptsd ? Nice talking to you - amanda

 

[WillyKat]

Hi I was diagnosed in my teens with borderline personality disorder I was thinking maybe they misdiagnosed me and it was really ptsd. What about you if you don't mind me asking ? Are you already diagnosed with ptsd ? Nice talking to you - amanda

Me: PTSD, though my shrink did talk to me about changing my diagnosis to DD-NOS.

But you know, the diagnosis doesn't matter as much as you might think. Every individual is more complex than any diagnosis. Your therapist had to treat you, not your diagnosis. The important thing is the both BPD and PTSD are legitimate numbers to put on your insurance form.

Nice to meet you, Amanda.

 

[Lavenderlady11]

Nice meeting you too

@WillyKat

 

[daisydoodle]

Hi Amanda! I'm so sorry to hear you've been dealing with this, and for so long. I recently recovered memories from my early childhood of my father molesting me as well as raping me. And I still have days where it doesn't seem real or possible. My therapist says that most people who were sexually abused doubt themselves because it's simply overwhelming to believe someone could do that to you, especially someone you love and trust. I do strongly encourage you to seek a therapist, for me it has helped enormously. EMDR therapy is what I'm currently using and it is insane how much you learn about yourself and that it can really help. I'm wishing you the best, just remember you aren't alone. ❤

 

[Lavenderlady11]

Hi Amanda! I'm so sorry to hear you've been dealing with this, and for so long. I recently recovered memories from my early childhood of my father molesting me as well as raping me. And I still have days where it doesn't seem real or possible. My therapist says that most people who were sexually abused doubt themselves because it's simply overwhelming to believe someone could do that to you, especially someone you love and trust. I do strongly encourage you to seek a therapist, for me it has helped enormously. EMDR therapy is what I'm currently using and it is insane how much you learn about yourself and that it can really help. I'm wishing you the best, just remember you aren't alone. ❤

Thank you ! I appreciate you're kindness and it's nice to know I'm not alone I wouldn't wish this on anyone have a nice day ☺