Sufferer Hi Im Kat... My Baby Son Died When We Were On The Bus...

[Kat79]

Well, as you can see my title header says it all for me.

I was just eighteen when my son then 12 days old died in my arms when I was travelling by bus with him. I am now 32 yrs old but I continue to suffer panic attacks, mood swings, paranoia, dissasociation and clinical depression. I also have an acute anxiety disorder. I cry over nothing. I've just not long ago escaped from an abusive relationship. I think I attaract the wrong people sometimes.

I feel as if I have lost myself under so many labels and diagnosis from health professionals. I dont know who I AM ANY MORE !! I take stupid risks with my healthy and also self harm. I cut my arms to bits as a way of coping.

Im hoping ANYONE on here can relate and help.

Thanks for reading. I look forward to getting to know everyone,

Kat

 

[The Albatross]

Welcome Kat, I'm sorry for your loss. Glad you're here.

 

[a3a2]

I am so sorry, Kat, for the loss of your precious son. And I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing now. There are some truly wonderful people here who have also suffered the loss of a child. YOur going to get some great support and insights here.

 

[Kim]

Welcome to the forum.

You'll find a lot of support here. You are not alone.

 

[SydneyH]

Welcome! It is a great step that you have taken control and reached out after feeling so lost for so long.

There are a lot of people here who will hear you and respond. I just joined a little while ago and have found it very helpful.

 

[KP the nut]

(((Kat))), I am so sorry for your loss. As a Mum, I think the loss of a child most be one of the hardest things to endure.

I am pleased you found us. Take your time in looking around and reading the articles and threads. When you are ready begin posting but do it at your pace. Small steps.

I look forward to knowing you as well
Wishing you peace
KP

 

[lil_fighter]

Welcome Kat :)

I am sorry to hear of your loss and hope that you will find comfort here at the forum.

I started using the forum before Christmas and it has been a positive experience. Here I can be myself, if Im having a cr*p day or I want to talk about something that's happened no one judges me. There are people I can relate to and people I can learn from. It is so positive to give advice or help to other people as we can all learn from each other.

I wish you all the best and hope you find the forum helpful and therapeutic to use

 

[Tj's Paradigm Shift]

Welcome to the forum. This place has been a godsend indeed. I am hoping to connect with people who not only understand the daily challenges of living with ptsd but also to share common interests outings like fishing, camping, scenery. Those that prefer scenery to the crowd scene. Getting back to basics in peaceful, positive settings :)

 

[august heart]

Hello Kat

I to am new and I'd like to say welcome. I don't have words to change what you have been through and I wont pretend to understand what it feels like.

Kat what I do have is feelings, emotions and empathy towards anyone who is suffering or has suffered and I'm willing to listen, support and share. If during any of these actions, helps in anyway, then I have served a purpose. I have found here that it holds true for me. People have been so nice, supportive and encouraging to me.

My heart goes out to you Kat.

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[AngelKeeperJ]

I am now 32 yrs old but I continue to suffer panic attacks, mood swings, paranoia, dissasociation and clinical depression. I also have an acute anxiety disorder. I cry over nothing.

(((Kat)))My heart aches for you. It is just something that makes you feel like you've been hit in the gut! How could you NOT feel these feelings? With long, hard work, and prayer, for myself, you can get better. Everything you listed is a reason to cry, so of course you cry at everything! Time can't be rushed, and that's the hardest part.

I held my little girl as she died in my arms. There is no way to 'get over it', as many people will suggest. Forgive them for not knowing what to say. While trying to comfort you, end up saying WRONG things. There are no words that will help in a situation like that. I never knew, and never will know the 'right' thing to say to people who are suffering this kind of loss.

You will find a 'place' in your heart and soul that will be able to live with what happened, but you don't "get over it". There is no time table on grief. Especially the loss of a baby boy. One day, or minute at a time is all you can take sometimes. You are allowed to grieve for as long as you do. Period.

Each mother handles it differently, and it can 'hit' you 'out of the blue'. The moments come out of nowhere sometimes. That's the part I hate the most.

I hope you are in Therapy. This grief is deep and you need someone to help you learn to live again.

The guilt. It's horrible. 'What could I have done, not done, said or not said", "It has to be my fault, I'm his mother!" Guilt is evil, leaves no one standing if you don't get help. It nearly took me out.

I finally figured out that there is NO easy way for God (I hope you are not offended-it's my faith) to bring a child 'home to heaven'. I believe that our children were/are angels before they are/were 'ours' to take care and love, and learn from. We don't have any idea how long we will have them, but there is always a reason they were here whether they live one hour, one day, or longer! He came and changed your heart. My faith also believes that we can see our little again when we pass on.

Again, in my heart & faith, you have your own 'guardian angel'.

Blessings & prayers to you,
AKJ

 

[a3a2]

AngelkeeperJ...you are one amazing woman.

 

[august heart]

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I do not understand what it is you need me to do differently ? I feel that maybe I shouldn't say anything at all cause I'm trying so hard to get it right and I'm failing every try. ( feels bad) One more try and please help me understand. Thank you.

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