The_Comfy_Chair
New Here
I'm so overwhelmed with so much to say, that I don't know where to begin, so I'll try to keep this introduction short.
I came to this forum because I don't think depression forums are focused enough on my particular trouble. I am as of yet undiagnosed (because at this point I can no longer afford to see a therapist to get a diagnosis, meds or any other treatment at all), but I think that all of my depression and anxiety are as a result of lifelong PTS.
To pack it as tightly as possible into the smallest nutshell, I lived with the possibility that my mother may die at any moment from as long as I can remember. 4 or 5 years old, when she was stricken with Chronic Rheumatoid Arthritis. As a little kid, I can remember her having horrible coughing fits, since the arthritis attacked her lungs severely, and panicking in my room. She and I were on our own, living in an apartment that I was aware we could be kicked out of at any moment. There was constant anxiety, and I can remember being afraid to let loose and cry, even though I always wanted to, in fear that she would die, and I would be left with nowhere to go.
Then my father died when I was 15, and I was just starting to aggressively pursue some type of relationship with him. My parents had been divorced since I was 3 years old, and I'd only been able to see him 2 or 3 times a year, but once I started to develop into a teenager, I became aware that I wanted to make the effort to get to know him more. Just as I started to reach out to him on a more adult level (not just as Daddy Daughter), he died suddenly.
I've struggled with depression since my late 20s, but always managed to keep it at bay until recent years. Now it's unbearable. My mother finally did pass away in 2005. My only supportive grandmother and grandfather died the same year, all within a few months of each other. I held it together as best I could, but within about a year or so after that, I flipped out, could no longer cope in a freelance career that left me without work at unpredictable intervals (great choice, yeah?), and sought help from the only remaining relative I had who I thought cared about me. I got a part time job and enrolled in school to start a new career, but it was not panning out, and I didn't know what I was going to do, since I was only given a limit of 2 years to live with my sister and figure it out. Very long story short - I ended up moving to a foreign country and getting married. It was either that or end up homeless, because I could not find another option to get myself on my feet that would only take 2 years. My husband is a wonderful man, and I love him very much, but I live in constant fear.
For the first time ever, I live in a house. I'm terrified that he's going to lose his job, we'll then lose the house and end up out on the street. He's rather a pessimist, and doesn't think his family would help us at all if we got into a serious bind, and that makes me extremely panicky to think about. I am unable to get a job in this country that has anything to do with my career for several reasons, and I need help to find even a job at a fast food place. My husband doesn't want me to work, and doesn't want to support me in my effort to find work. At the same time, he makes it sound like he could lose his job at any moment, and it severely triggers panic in me. I feel helpless, unable to do anything to help the situation. My husband doesn't want to get into a deep conversation about how we might be able to work together to create a more secure future for ourselves, so it leaves me again with the horrible fear that everything will fall apart, we'll have our home taken from us, and ultimately, at age 40 and getting older - end up homeless. This is all coming to a very ugly head right now. My depression is out of control to the point where I am afraid that if anything terrible happens, I might slip into some kind of stupor. Like it'll be beyond my capability to just have a panic attack anymore, I might just snap into being unable to respond and go numb. I've never had that happen, but for some reason, I feel that it's very likely, after all the stuff that's happened before in my life, that it's the only way I'll be able to deal with the ultimate devastation of losing everything and being forced into going homeless.
Of course, it's also possible that he may not lose his job, I might eventually become better at the language here and be able to find a job here, and we might be ok. This is where the fear of abandonment gets triggered, thanks to the things that happened in the past. I can't seem to make myself think any other way but that the worst is imminent, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I don't know how to change my thinking so that I can stop torturing myself every single day, in fear and panic. It's just ruling my life anymore, and I've come here to see how others have dealt with self-calming and becoming able to cope and remain calm, even in the face of the worst.
I hope this is the right place for me. I feel like the losses and fears I had early in life are still with me, and that's what's making me so panicky. I need to try to figure out how to stop it, so that I can accept whatever may come, and stop wasting my life in constant fear. It's so overwhelming now, I don't know what else to do, and I have nowhere else to turn. I don't have any close friends anymore, and certainly none that understand how this feels. It seems so irrational to people who have not had significant losses, to have these fears. I hope I can meet people here who might understand. Thanks so much for reading - it ended up too long after all!
I came to this forum because I don't think depression forums are focused enough on my particular trouble. I am as of yet undiagnosed (because at this point I can no longer afford to see a therapist to get a diagnosis, meds or any other treatment at all), but I think that all of my depression and anxiety are as a result of lifelong PTS.
To pack it as tightly as possible into the smallest nutshell, I lived with the possibility that my mother may die at any moment from as long as I can remember. 4 or 5 years old, when she was stricken with Chronic Rheumatoid Arthritis. As a little kid, I can remember her having horrible coughing fits, since the arthritis attacked her lungs severely, and panicking in my room. She and I were on our own, living in an apartment that I was aware we could be kicked out of at any moment. There was constant anxiety, and I can remember being afraid to let loose and cry, even though I always wanted to, in fear that she would die, and I would be left with nowhere to go.
Then my father died when I was 15, and I was just starting to aggressively pursue some type of relationship with him. My parents had been divorced since I was 3 years old, and I'd only been able to see him 2 or 3 times a year, but once I started to develop into a teenager, I became aware that I wanted to make the effort to get to know him more. Just as I started to reach out to him on a more adult level (not just as Daddy Daughter), he died suddenly.
I've struggled with depression since my late 20s, but always managed to keep it at bay until recent years. Now it's unbearable. My mother finally did pass away in 2005. My only supportive grandmother and grandfather died the same year, all within a few months of each other. I held it together as best I could, but within about a year or so after that, I flipped out, could no longer cope in a freelance career that left me without work at unpredictable intervals (great choice, yeah?), and sought help from the only remaining relative I had who I thought cared about me. I got a part time job and enrolled in school to start a new career, but it was not panning out, and I didn't know what I was going to do, since I was only given a limit of 2 years to live with my sister and figure it out. Very long story short - I ended up moving to a foreign country and getting married. It was either that or end up homeless, because I could not find another option to get myself on my feet that would only take 2 years. My husband is a wonderful man, and I love him very much, but I live in constant fear.
For the first time ever, I live in a house. I'm terrified that he's going to lose his job, we'll then lose the house and end up out on the street. He's rather a pessimist, and doesn't think his family would help us at all if we got into a serious bind, and that makes me extremely panicky to think about. I am unable to get a job in this country that has anything to do with my career for several reasons, and I need help to find even a job at a fast food place. My husband doesn't want me to work, and doesn't want to support me in my effort to find work. At the same time, he makes it sound like he could lose his job at any moment, and it severely triggers panic in me. I feel helpless, unable to do anything to help the situation. My husband doesn't want to get into a deep conversation about how we might be able to work together to create a more secure future for ourselves, so it leaves me again with the horrible fear that everything will fall apart, we'll have our home taken from us, and ultimately, at age 40 and getting older - end up homeless. This is all coming to a very ugly head right now. My depression is out of control to the point where I am afraid that if anything terrible happens, I might slip into some kind of stupor. Like it'll be beyond my capability to just have a panic attack anymore, I might just snap into being unable to respond and go numb. I've never had that happen, but for some reason, I feel that it's very likely, after all the stuff that's happened before in my life, that it's the only way I'll be able to deal with the ultimate devastation of losing everything and being forced into going homeless.
Of course, it's also possible that he may not lose his job, I might eventually become better at the language here and be able to find a job here, and we might be ok. This is where the fear of abandonment gets triggered, thanks to the things that happened in the past. I can't seem to make myself think any other way but that the worst is imminent, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I don't know how to change my thinking so that I can stop torturing myself every single day, in fear and panic. It's just ruling my life anymore, and I've come here to see how others have dealt with self-calming and becoming able to cope and remain calm, even in the face of the worst.
I hope this is the right place for me. I feel like the losses and fears I had early in life are still with me, and that's what's making me so panicky. I need to try to figure out how to stop it, so that I can accept whatever may come, and stop wasting my life in constant fear. It's so overwhelming now, I don't know what else to do, and I have nowhere else to turn. I don't have any close friends anymore, and certainly none that understand how this feels. It seems so irrational to people who have not had significant losses, to have these fears. I hope I can meet people here who might understand. Thanks so much for reading - it ended up too long after all!
