Crystal Rose
Bronze Member
Hi there. I'm happy to have found this forum as I have had a hard time just being alive the past few weeks.
I'm a risk taker. I push myself to every edge and I pushed myself too far a few times.
A few years ago I found myself in a physically and mentally abusive relationship with a filmmaker that I ultimately was supporting. Later he told me he had cheated on me constantly. It was a slow descent and I am glad that I got out of it and found guided and mindful meditation practices, a great talk therapist, acupuncture, etc. I was on a self care roll!
I don't want to get too deep into my childhood but there's a lot of addiction and history of abuse and I didn't grow up with many boundaries, in a pretty Jesus-hippy dichotomy. I was sexually abused by someone that my parents took in. They took in a lot of strays. He went to jail. I said something right away and was glad I knew that much. I was always very anti-authoritarian and a high achiever and went to Christian school and a Christian college that I didn't fit into. Long story short I worked in music and then in film in Hollywood. I dated a porn star. I felt like I could have written a book about all it.
Fast forward to a couple years ago, I was happy alone and felt healed and was looking to get out of my stressful career and I met someone who was kind and sweet and wanted to date long distance even! He jarred me out of wanting to be alone and I moved halfway across the country as he had a business investment opportunity.
We moved into an old train station with no real bathroom and lived in harmony with bats. I survived a brutal winter and we would fight and that's when the flashbacks started. He was avoidant and non communicative and I had no idea what was happening. He wanted to live separately to work things out and he called me when I was in New Orleans with a friend to tell me. I was having a pregnancy scare at the time that he didn't know about. I caught him (at the very least emotionally) cheating and became hypervigilant. I fought desperately for my needs and didn't know my overwhelming emotions would cause him to leave. The icing on the cake was smoking weed (which I did a lot of with a medical card for my anxiety in CA) and having a mental break and completely disassociating, not remembering how I got into my new apartment and I had to rehash the cheating part and this was too much for my ex to handle. I had a friend come from Chicago just to talk to me and help me remember recent events. I can't believe that I chose someone who said they had chosen me and were committed to me. I definitely wouldn't have taken this leap had I suspected any of this would happen. A man my age, 32...who could just abandon me and contribute to my triggers in this way and not own up to his role or part in this.
I have been suicidal, away from my support system but I bought the DBT workbook and finally started EMDR recently (hard in a very small town to find and get into any places. I had given up a few months prior to the disassociation because I was so discouraged that no one was taking on new patients) but I am so drained physically and have very little hope for my future. I actually was so desperate I started on generic Zoloft but I had so many bad side effects including anorexia and it woke me up enough to realize that I need to get back on my Chinese medicine train. I still feel like I'm in love with this person so I'm ruminating in the pain. I thought that I would get better. I am hardly working. I am so tired and depressed and it just gets worse. I need this forum. I need more support. I think I might need an inpatient program but I'm scared.
Winter is very motivating but I would be going back to Oregon where my very dysfunctional extended family is on a compound. I don't think I need to make any rash decisions. I feel a lot of pressure to fit within a timeframe before winter and it's brutal darkness hit me.
I'm a risk taker. I push myself to every edge and I pushed myself too far a few times.
A few years ago I found myself in a physically and mentally abusive relationship with a filmmaker that I ultimately was supporting. Later he told me he had cheated on me constantly. It was a slow descent and I am glad that I got out of it and found guided and mindful meditation practices, a great talk therapist, acupuncture, etc. I was on a self care roll!
I don't want to get too deep into my childhood but there's a lot of addiction and history of abuse and I didn't grow up with many boundaries, in a pretty Jesus-hippy dichotomy. I was sexually abused by someone that my parents took in. They took in a lot of strays. He went to jail. I said something right away and was glad I knew that much. I was always very anti-authoritarian and a high achiever and went to Christian school and a Christian college that I didn't fit into. Long story short I worked in music and then in film in Hollywood. I dated a porn star. I felt like I could have written a book about all it.
Fast forward to a couple years ago, I was happy alone and felt healed and was looking to get out of my stressful career and I met someone who was kind and sweet and wanted to date long distance even! He jarred me out of wanting to be alone and I moved halfway across the country as he had a business investment opportunity.
We moved into an old train station with no real bathroom and lived in harmony with bats. I survived a brutal winter and we would fight and that's when the flashbacks started. He was avoidant and non communicative and I had no idea what was happening. He wanted to live separately to work things out and he called me when I was in New Orleans with a friend to tell me. I was having a pregnancy scare at the time that he didn't know about. I caught him (at the very least emotionally) cheating and became hypervigilant. I fought desperately for my needs and didn't know my overwhelming emotions would cause him to leave. The icing on the cake was smoking weed (which I did a lot of with a medical card for my anxiety in CA) and having a mental break and completely disassociating, not remembering how I got into my new apartment and I had to rehash the cheating part and this was too much for my ex to handle. I had a friend come from Chicago just to talk to me and help me remember recent events. I can't believe that I chose someone who said they had chosen me and were committed to me. I definitely wouldn't have taken this leap had I suspected any of this would happen. A man my age, 32...who could just abandon me and contribute to my triggers in this way and not own up to his role or part in this.
I have been suicidal, away from my support system but I bought the DBT workbook and finally started EMDR recently (hard in a very small town to find and get into any places. I had given up a few months prior to the disassociation because I was so discouraged that no one was taking on new patients) but I am so drained physically and have very little hope for my future. I actually was so desperate I started on generic Zoloft but I had so many bad side effects including anorexia and it woke me up enough to realize that I need to get back on my Chinese medicine train. I still feel like I'm in love with this person so I'm ruminating in the pain. I thought that I would get better. I am hardly working. I am so tired and depressed and it just gets worse. I need this forum. I need more support. I think I might need an inpatient program but I'm scared.
Winter is very motivating but I would be going back to Oregon where my very dysfunctional extended family is on a compound. I don't think I need to make any rash decisions. I feel a lot of pressure to fit within a timeframe before winter and it's brutal darkness hit me.
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