Velvet Steel
New Here
Hi everyone,
My name is Libby, and I was born into trauma.
I'm 47, and I have only recently been diagnosed with severe c-PTSD. Prior to that, I was diagnosed with almost everything in the DSM-IV; generalized anxiety, chronic depression & sleep disorder (age 18), adhd (age 36), chronic migraines (2nd grade), bi-polar (age 20 & again at 35), hyperactivity (1st grade), etc.
I realize now that the PTSD is the center of my illness, and while very real, the other disorders are ancillary to, and secondary to PTSD.
I think there are 2 main reasons that I wasn't diagnosed with PTSD prior: 1) I never talked about my childhood trauma as I had blocked it out and/or didn't think it was a big deal and 2) no medical professional screened me for it.
A few years ago, after another failed job and a period of incapacity (anxiety & depression), I considered applying for disability. I started the process, but I couldn't complete it as it requires one to go back 15 years and detail all symptoms, medications, doctors, diagnosis, jobs, and relationships. Again, I had blocked most of it, and I wasn't ready to really look at it all. I think I had a panic attack with the first question.
So, I did what I always used to do: I told myself it wasn't that big of a deal, that I was fine, and that I just needed to get another job. And I did. I have extensive education and experience and I am initially very gregarious, so it's easy for me to GET a job. The problem is that I can't KEEP a job as my 'coping' skills, fight or flight, end up backfiring, be it after 2 years or 2 weeks.
After I quit my last job, I had reached my wit's end. I just didn't have the energy to go through the job application process (I loved that part-challenge), the excitement of getting/starting a new job, and the inevitable shame/grief/anger of quitting....yet again.
I was finally able to tackle the disability application because I knew it was that, inpatient treatment, or a slow death (alcohol, smoking, binge eating).
It took me three months to complete the application because I would write a section or describe a job or detail the meds I had taken including why, how much, length of time, side effects, and whether it helped or not, and each time, I would cry with anger and cry with sadness and cry with shame.
I didn't use an attorney or any assistance in applying, so this process forced me to be brutally honest about my past, and to really look at it...for the first time. I was a mess, so I'd take a couple of days off and then hit it again. I knew I had to be very vivid in my retelling in order to be granted disability, and I couldn't afford or face being denied and have to go through it all again and/or go to court, get an attorney, etc.
Anyway, because of my extensive history with doctors, meds, and jobs, I was granted disability within weeks of submitting my application. I didn't have to take any tests, didn't have to testify in court, didn't have to have friends/family contribute, and didn't have to appeal anything. It felt like a miracle because over 50% of applications are denied initially, and it's even more without an attorney, advocate, etc.
I was simultaneously relieved and in denial. If the state & fed govt agreed I needed to be on disability, then it must be pretty bad, and I wasn't making it all up. However, it FELT like I was giving up, giving in & that I had failed THE life test in my inability to work.
That was eight months ago, and I am still flooded with a range of intense emotions surrounding it all.
The most important aspect, however, is that the process literally FORCED me to acknowledge the trauma of my past and begin to understand how all of it was affecting my present.
So, here I am. My symptoms are very 'loud' right now, so I am currently trying to reassure myself that I am safe and that all of these emotions are ok.
I've eliminated about 75% of my previous pressures: getting/keeping a job, moving from place to place, running, fighting, burning bridges, etc. I own a wonderful condo, I have a cute kitty named Violet, I live by myself, amazingly I have about 7 really close friends who really know and understand me, and I can pretty well regulate what and who I am exposed to.
The littlest things can trigger me right now, so I am very much in an avoidance stance in the hope of giving my brain and body the chance to rest and begin to trust the fact that I AM SAFE. Reducing the outside stimuli to a minimum is stopping, or at least slowing, 47 years of cumulative trauma and the accompanying fight or flight response, the adrenaline, CRH, POMC, ACTH, and beta-endorphin magnification always followed by those chemicals leveling off, leading to a feeling of withdrawal.
Fun stuff, huh?
Soooooo, I am very, very thankful to be here, and I am very hopeful about learning to recognize triggers, respond more appropriately, develop 'positive' coping skills, and to join all of you on this painful but necessary journey.
Peace is the reward.
Thank you for the warm welcome.
xoxox
~Libby
Velvet Steel
My name is Libby, and I was born into trauma.
I'm 47, and I have only recently been diagnosed with severe c-PTSD. Prior to that, I was diagnosed with almost everything in the DSM-IV; generalized anxiety, chronic depression & sleep disorder (age 18), adhd (age 36), chronic migraines (2nd grade), bi-polar (age 20 & again at 35), hyperactivity (1st grade), etc.
I realize now that the PTSD is the center of my illness, and while very real, the other disorders are ancillary to, and secondary to PTSD.
I think there are 2 main reasons that I wasn't diagnosed with PTSD prior: 1) I never talked about my childhood trauma as I had blocked it out and/or didn't think it was a big deal and 2) no medical professional screened me for it.
A few years ago, after another failed job and a period of incapacity (anxiety & depression), I considered applying for disability. I started the process, but I couldn't complete it as it requires one to go back 15 years and detail all symptoms, medications, doctors, diagnosis, jobs, and relationships. Again, I had blocked most of it, and I wasn't ready to really look at it all. I think I had a panic attack with the first question.
So, I did what I always used to do: I told myself it wasn't that big of a deal, that I was fine, and that I just needed to get another job. And I did. I have extensive education and experience and I am initially very gregarious, so it's easy for me to GET a job. The problem is that I can't KEEP a job as my 'coping' skills, fight or flight, end up backfiring, be it after 2 years or 2 weeks.
After I quit my last job, I had reached my wit's end. I just didn't have the energy to go through the job application process (I loved that part-challenge), the excitement of getting/starting a new job, and the inevitable shame/grief/anger of quitting....yet again.
I was finally able to tackle the disability application because I knew it was that, inpatient treatment, or a slow death (alcohol, smoking, binge eating).
It took me three months to complete the application because I would write a section or describe a job or detail the meds I had taken including why, how much, length of time, side effects, and whether it helped or not, and each time, I would cry with anger and cry with sadness and cry with shame.
I didn't use an attorney or any assistance in applying, so this process forced me to be brutally honest about my past, and to really look at it...for the first time. I was a mess, so I'd take a couple of days off and then hit it again. I knew I had to be very vivid in my retelling in order to be granted disability, and I couldn't afford or face being denied and have to go through it all again and/or go to court, get an attorney, etc.
Anyway, because of my extensive history with doctors, meds, and jobs, I was granted disability within weeks of submitting my application. I didn't have to take any tests, didn't have to testify in court, didn't have to have friends/family contribute, and didn't have to appeal anything. It felt like a miracle because over 50% of applications are denied initially, and it's even more without an attorney, advocate, etc.
I was simultaneously relieved and in denial. If the state & fed govt agreed I needed to be on disability, then it must be pretty bad, and I wasn't making it all up. However, it FELT like I was giving up, giving in & that I had failed THE life test in my inability to work.
That was eight months ago, and I am still flooded with a range of intense emotions surrounding it all.
The most important aspect, however, is that the process literally FORCED me to acknowledge the trauma of my past and begin to understand how all of it was affecting my present.
So, here I am. My symptoms are very 'loud' right now, so I am currently trying to reassure myself that I am safe and that all of these emotions are ok.
I've eliminated about 75% of my previous pressures: getting/keeping a job, moving from place to place, running, fighting, burning bridges, etc. I own a wonderful condo, I have a cute kitty named Violet, I live by myself, amazingly I have about 7 really close friends who really know and understand me, and I can pretty well regulate what and who I am exposed to.
The littlest things can trigger me right now, so I am very much in an avoidance stance in the hope of giving my brain and body the chance to rest and begin to trust the fact that I AM SAFE. Reducing the outside stimuli to a minimum is stopping, or at least slowing, 47 years of cumulative trauma and the accompanying fight or flight response, the adrenaline, CRH, POMC, ACTH, and beta-endorphin magnification always followed by those chemicals leveling off, leading to a feeling of withdrawal.
Fun stuff, huh?
Soooooo, I am very, very thankful to be here, and I am very hopeful about learning to recognize triggers, respond more appropriately, develop 'positive' coping skills, and to join all of you on this painful but necessary journey.
Peace is the reward.
Thank you for the warm welcome.
xoxox
~Libby
Velvet Steel
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