Hi. Sorry, I might be doing this in the wrong order as I've already posted in other sections... but I figured an introduction might be good. Didn't notice that this part of the forum existed until now.
I'm in my early 20s, and have had long-term struggles with mental health problems. I had my first episode of depression at the age of 9 (very limited functioning for about 6 months), another at 11 (a year this time, but not so severe.. considered suicide and begun to self injure), and then one from age 14/15 onwards. Self injury was pretty continuous from the age of 11 until recently. It was localised to breasts, genitals and generally 'hidden' regions so I didn't get a lot of help. Escalations in depression and self injury generally happened in periods of sexual development and around puberty. Had counselling and therapy a few times in high school but never trusted the people I saw.
I've never had a lot of memory of my childhood. Reading about childhood sexual abuse has always upset me on a far more personal level than it does for most people, though. Various other things (recurring UTIs and thrush, genital pain, memories of vaginal bleeding in young childhood, advanced sexual knowledge, etc.) during childhood always made me wonder if abuse could have happened. But over time I convinced myself that forgetting something like CSA is just impossible, and that I should be grateful that I didn't remember it.
But when I was 17 or 18, after (I'm fairly sure) having my drink spiked, I had what I now recognise as a flashback. At the time I didn't know what it was, and thought that I was hallucinating. From that point onwards if I drank alcohol or was sleep deprived or really stressed I would have what I thought were 'tactile hallucinations' and panic attacks (always the same - I could feel myself being molested and penetrated by someone a lot bigger than me). But I thought that if I didn't remember that meant it couldn't be real. It only happened once every few months. I didn't know if it was psychosis or something else, but I figured there was just something wrong with me.
At 18 I also had my first sexual experience. It was with another girl, and as soon as she touched me I just completely froze. I started having a flashback, panic attack, forced her off me. It was horrible. I haven't tried doing anything sexual since then... I don't want to. It's way too much. When I was 18 I also went to university and anxiety skyrocketed. After going out to a club one night and being in close proximity to men who tried to dance with me etc., I had a complete meltdown. Stopped leaving my room, stopped eating, stopped getting out of bed in the morning. When I finally got to the GP he said I was anorexic (not anorexia nervosa - just technical anorexia, eating <500kcals per day or something) and severely anxious and hypervigilant. He asked about traumas and I said I hadn't had one, so I was diagnosed with an adjustment disorder and prescribed meds. Flashbacks continued to happen every few weeks, and I continued to consider them tactile hallucinations, and didn't speak to anyone about it.
When I was 19, last summer, I started therapy with someone new, due to severe depression. Around the same time, I was involved in a car accident. It wasn't 'major' - nobody was injured badly - but I was briefly knocked unconscious and lost a period of my memory. After that point I started having a lot of flashbacks. Like several per week. It took me months to be able to talk about it in therapy but I eventually managed to write down what I was feeling being done to my body. I didn't want to say I had been abused when I hadn't. And my therapist has always said that she can't say for sure whether anything happened, and that part of this whole thing might just be accepting that I don't know. But both she, my psychiatrist and other doctors who have assessed me have said that my recurrent experiences are not like any psychosis that they have seen before, and look a lot more like flashbacks, and my
As time has gone by, I've felt more secure to say out loud that I have PTSD from sexual abuse. From the size that I am during flashbacks, I can say that I was under the age of 6 or 7. I don't know who perpetrated the abuse, and unless somebody else can tell me that I don't think I ever will know. But I'm accepting that all of my symptoms add up to PTSD, and trauma therapy seems to be helping me a bit... so that's that, I guess. (Sorry for the really long post! Takes ages to explain it all..)
I'm in my early 20s, and have had long-term struggles with mental health problems. I had my first episode of depression at the age of 9 (very limited functioning for about 6 months), another at 11 (a year this time, but not so severe.. considered suicide and begun to self injure), and then one from age 14/15 onwards. Self injury was pretty continuous from the age of 11 until recently. It was localised to breasts, genitals and generally 'hidden' regions so I didn't get a lot of help. Escalations in depression and self injury generally happened in periods of sexual development and around puberty. Had counselling and therapy a few times in high school but never trusted the people I saw.
I've never had a lot of memory of my childhood. Reading about childhood sexual abuse has always upset me on a far more personal level than it does for most people, though. Various other things (recurring UTIs and thrush, genital pain, memories of vaginal bleeding in young childhood, advanced sexual knowledge, etc.) during childhood always made me wonder if abuse could have happened. But over time I convinced myself that forgetting something like CSA is just impossible, and that I should be grateful that I didn't remember it.
But when I was 17 or 18, after (I'm fairly sure) having my drink spiked, I had what I now recognise as a flashback. At the time I didn't know what it was, and thought that I was hallucinating. From that point onwards if I drank alcohol or was sleep deprived or really stressed I would have what I thought were 'tactile hallucinations' and panic attacks (always the same - I could feel myself being molested and penetrated by someone a lot bigger than me). But I thought that if I didn't remember that meant it couldn't be real. It only happened once every few months. I didn't know if it was psychosis or something else, but I figured there was just something wrong with me.
At 18 I also had my first sexual experience. It was with another girl, and as soon as she touched me I just completely froze. I started having a flashback, panic attack, forced her off me. It was horrible. I haven't tried doing anything sexual since then... I don't want to. It's way too much. When I was 18 I also went to university and anxiety skyrocketed. After going out to a club one night and being in close proximity to men who tried to dance with me etc., I had a complete meltdown. Stopped leaving my room, stopped eating, stopped getting out of bed in the morning. When I finally got to the GP he said I was anorexic (not anorexia nervosa - just technical anorexia, eating <500kcals per day or something) and severely anxious and hypervigilant. He asked about traumas and I said I hadn't had one, so I was diagnosed with an adjustment disorder and prescribed meds. Flashbacks continued to happen every few weeks, and I continued to consider them tactile hallucinations, and didn't speak to anyone about it.
When I was 19, last summer, I started therapy with someone new, due to severe depression. Around the same time, I was involved in a car accident. It wasn't 'major' - nobody was injured badly - but I was briefly knocked unconscious and lost a period of my memory. After that point I started having a lot of flashbacks. Like several per week. It took me months to be able to talk about it in therapy but I eventually managed to write down what I was feeling being done to my body. I didn't want to say I had been abused when I hadn't. And my therapist has always said that she can't say for sure whether anything happened, and that part of this whole thing might just be accepting that I don't know. But both she, my psychiatrist and other doctors who have assessed me have said that my recurrent experiences are not like any psychosis that they have seen before, and look a lot more like flashbacks, and my
As time has gone by, I've felt more secure to say out loud that I have PTSD from sexual abuse. From the size that I am during flashbacks, I can say that I was under the age of 6 or 7. I don't know who perpetrated the abuse, and unless somebody else can tell me that I don't think I ever will know. But I'm accepting that all of my symptoms add up to PTSD, and trauma therapy seems to be helping me a bit... so that's that, I guess. (Sorry for the really long post! Takes ages to explain it all..)
